My wife of 19 years has asked me for a divorce.?

Question

I should have seen it coming, but didn't. We are still talking and have communicated more now than ever before. We have agreed to a dignified break-up. I love her tremendously, but she told me that she has not loved me for several years. I have 4 sons. One is living on his own and we still have three more at home. We don't want to ruin their holidays by telling them and I'm unsure what my life will be like without her. I still love her and for the past month I've been doing everything I can to show her how much I want this marriage to work. She is a very good woman, but still wants to proceed with a divorce. She wants the best for me, and of course I want the best for her. She wants to share the kids so it has as little negative affect on them as possible. Honestly, I don't want it to end, but it appears she's really made up her mind, no matter what I say or try. I knew that we had drifted apart, but I didn't realize how far we had drifted. Any advise out there?

Answer 1

I really feel for you as l know how tough it is when you feel like you are losing a very important part of yourself. From what you have said l don't know if there is any advice l can give you that may help save your marriage. If your wife has told you that she hasn't loved you for several years, it sounds to me that she has made up her mind that the marriage is definately over. Perhaps you could discuss some form of councelling to try and figure out what went wrong in your marriage. You both sound like very caring and responsible adults so there could be hope for the two of you. If you two honestly only want what is best for each other then l strongly recommend that you both try everything you possibly can to work out your problems. Are you sure that there is no-one else in your wife's life ?? I don't mean to imply anything but need to look at every avenue. I am very glad that the two of you are also concerned about the affect this will have on your children, as in many cases the husband and wife get so caught up with their own problems that the kids seem to get left behind, which is so unfair on them. After reading your question over and over l feel that with a lot of work you may be able to salvage your marriage. You both seem to have so much respect for each other and that could be a good place to start rebuilding. Look l don't want to get your hope's up but with a lot of love and work, you just might be able save it. If there is definately no-one else in the picture, you may be able to rekindle the love you both once had for each other. Just keep trying, don't give up if you know in your heart that you are meant to be together all you have to do is convince your wife of that. I really hope you can work things out but if not you still have your boys to love and worry about and l am sure you will always have your wife's respect. Be happy and good luck.

Answer 2

OK....what did ya do?! You know you have been doing something for a looong time that just hasn't been right & I'm sure that she has been asking you or telling you about it for years...I only know this because, well, been there...I'm sorry to say that if she has her mind set, there may be no way back. The only thing that you may be able to do is suggest that you will do anything & I do mean anything, whatever it takes to get her back. Go to counseling, take her on an exotic trip (not that I personally think that you should have to resort to this kind of bribery) but what ever it is that you have't been doing for her...begin by saying you will start over & that you will let her teach you if that is what it takes. You may need to LISTEN to her, or it could be a problem in the bedroom. I really don't know. I'm just offering sugestions that I truly hope WILL help.
In any case, if it doesn't work out, you will still go on, you will still have your children, and one day you may even be happier than you think you can be now...
Best of luck, Sincerely!!

Answer 3

If she has made her mind up and that's what she wants then no matter how hard you try it will not work.I was the same way married 32 years and ex wanted the same thing. Tryed everything and nothing mattered. Divored now for 2 years and the 1st year was the hardest. But I'm making it with the help of friends and just now starting to date some. So try to keep it civil for the kids sake and I wish you the best....Been There

Answer 4

First of all, don't believe for a minute that this will not have an impact on your children. They are all at very vulnerable ages and your wife needs to realize that perhaps she is being impulsive or selfish. Unless she is in love with someone else, your marriage should try to be salvaged; for you and her and especially for your children. Ask her to please see a marriage counselor with you. No harm in that, is there? My children were 10 and 7 when I divorced their father. I am much happier without him, and I only stayed as long as I did for the sake of our boys, but they have suffered because of it. Would I do it again? Yes. But not with the unrealistic idea that the children would be fine and that my husband and I could remain friends. If we could've done that and worked on our problems together we would not have divorced. I believe she may have met someone else. Talk to her and try to get to the truth. Good luck to you all.

Answer 5

growing apart is really no reason to divorce someone, some weeks things go bad, than there are the weeks when things are right. think she may be involved with someone else. if she truly still wants the divorce after u have done everything u know to do, than u must just accept it, because if u try to stop her she will become resentful. sometimes in life we have to go through things, hurt and pain and we don't know why, but it's usually a lesson we need to learn. drifted apart? means there is someone else she is drifting closer to.

Answer 6

dont just give up without a "fight",, keep stating your case. even if your still in the same house maybe try communicating through email or something. sometimes people can reveal more info when they have some time to respond. but dont be a chump either, 19 years is a while, are you sure there isnt someone else. well, that doesnt matter if that is the case, keep stating your case and may the best man win. (hopefully that isnt the case)

Answer 7

You may want to seek a therapist. If you didn't realize your marriage was ending, then you have some communication and interaction issues. Sometimes people get into a routine and it becomes so regular that you stop paying attention and grow apart. I always feel that dating each other (movies, dinner, outings, getting a room, trying something different), if the other is willing, changes things. You have to 're-learn' a person, get to know each other again.

Answer 8

So sorry dude. I've seen so many people break up and it's hard to witness it. You say that you two are communicating much more now than before. Keep the dialog going. Who knows a miracle might just happen and she might have a change of heart. 19 years is a long time to just call it quits.

Answer 9

She says she has not loved you for several years? Well who is she in love with? Usually when someone falls out of love it is because they have found someone else. It sounds like you are a good man, a good father but she doesn't appreciate you. Sometimes women like men who are in charge and dominate them. I think you gave too much of yourself to her. She doesn't deserve YOU! When did you notice that you were drifting apart? What was happening in your life? And most definitely do not ruin the holidays for the kids. I don't know if you ever heard of the saying, "Smile now, cry later" well that's what you need to do during these holidays. Never cry in front of her (wife) because she will know that she got the better of you. You can't make someone love you. I am in a relationship for 14 years and never married. I couldn't make him marry me either. But what I do have is my kids, my health and my education. If he does decide to leave me one day I know that I can make it on my own. Besides, I am 34 years, educated , good looking and have a great personality. Think of all the positive things you have to offer. I'm sure you have a lot to offer and she will regret leaving you. She is selfish. You have four children and all she can think of is herself. Like I say, Karma baby! There are too many good people out there like us who deserve someone who can love us, and appreciate us too! Good luck and don't forget to pray. God is always listening.

Answer 10

Ya if she wants a divorce there is nothing you can do. wait till the holidays are over to tell your kids and just move on from there. You should be happy that it is ending this way instead of in bitterness. Look at it this way you now can start a new life even though you don't want one.Also there will be someone else that you will be happy to be with down the road.