my 20 year old step-daughter is rude and disrespectful...?

Question

we raised her until she moved out and went to college. since then she has treated us like dirt. she only comes around when she needs money, a co-signer on a loan, a newer car... we have ALWAYS been there for ALL of her needs.

here's the problem. my husband adopted her when she was 9 months old. her bio-mother is VERY upset that her ex-husband (my husband) and i are expecting our first child in April. the ex-wife (bio-mom of 20 year old disrespectful child) sought out the 20 year old childs bio-father (sperm donor per say). NOW, the girl we've raised is treating us like we don't exist. i'm hurt because i see my husband's pain... and i feel my own pain of course... and i REALLY wanted her to be a part of her soon-to-be-born brother's life. the 20 year old child is VERY selfish. talking to her wouldn't change a thing. i KNOW she will continue to come around when she needs money and things... all of the things her bio-mom and bio"dad?" have never given. TIRED OF BEING USED!

Answer 1

Disown her.

Answer 2

You sound like my husband. He works all the time and still does so much extra around the house. I feel bad because I cannot work and help out in that way. I still try to do little things to help him out, though, like take him coffee or surprise him with a home-made card or something small and thoughtful. First of all, I want to tell you that I think men like you and my husband are so incredibly sweet and amazing; it's unreal! It sounds like she knows you do everything. I think she might be so defensive because she knows she isn't helping you at all. I'm not defending her by any means. In fact, I think she's extremely ungrateful and treating you like crap. She definitely should not be putting you down. I would ask her if you could have a talk, and gently explain that you love her and would do anything for her, but you really need her to be there for you as well. Tell her that everything you're doing is very energy-consuming, and if you two work together on taking care of chores, then you would have extra time to spend together. Maybe underneath all the insults and complaints, she's upset about something else. I know if my husband and I don't spend quality time together to understand what one another is feeling and going through, we start assuming and creating expectations which is ridiculous because there's no way to know the other's thoughts and feelings without communicating. It's easier to put up that shield than to put yourself in a vulnerable position. Sorry, I don't mean to write a novel. Just talk to her. If you open up, maybe she'll feel more comfortable in opening up to you. Then you can get down to the real problem, and find a solution. Good luck!

Answer 3

She is allowed to use you two this way because you don't stop it. This is a difficult age, and now with bio mom and dad confusing her even more, it will get worse before it gets better. I agree that you should make sure that she knows that you both love her and hope that she is able to be the big sister, but don't allow her to walk all over the 2 of you. Don't allow her to only come around when she needs money, stop giving it to her and see what happens. I hope that for you and your husbands sake she will wake up and see that you have only wanted her to be happy, loved, and successful woman that you 2 have worked hard to make her. Good luck!

Answer 4

I imagine bio's are giving some pretty juicy stories if her behavior is as you describe.

I won't make excuses for her, but I ask you to just keep telling her you love her, and how much you look forward to her being big sister.

I would make her be responsible for financial matters though! She will never grow up if everything is handed on a silver platter.

She more than likely is frightened of being replaced by the baby, and good old bio's are using that as a weapon against you both.

Keep the Love strong, and the wallet tight.

Best of luck.

Answer 5

Make her understand. Do not give in to her demands. She is a 20 year old WOMAN and needs to start acting like an adult. if she is still in school, tell her to get a job. encourage her to be a better person. let her know of what you would like of her and her brother and if she isnt receptive of that, then let her go gently. In your condition you dont need to have this type of person around, and letting her go gently might do the trick. Do not allow your self to co sign any loan, you are responsible if she backs out, and i dont think you want that right now. If she demands money, give her a 5 and tell her you want change. after a while she will find someone else to mooch off of.

Answer 6

first off stop spoiling her. explain to her that a real family is at heart not in DNA. if you keep giving her everything that she asks for then its just making the problem worse. she is a grown woman not a child. ask her to treat you to lunch next time. the answer you get from her may be upsetting but if she says no then tell her that is where you are on your way to and grab your husband, and tell her to give you a call later and just be casual about it.if she knows all she has to do is ask then that is what she going to keep doing it. wouldn't you? only help with needs. shes lucky that you and you husband still care and do what you two do for her. there are many of families that let their kids grow up on the streets and god bless you two for being so patient and loving to your daughter.i wish you the best of luck.

Answer 7

Remind her that , her Dad and you are the ones who are there for her, and give her everything she needs all the time.. remind her that her real mom hasn't done all that you have , and you love her like you own child.. Tell her that you deserve more respect then she is giving you, and the next time she talks to you crazy or even comes around to ask for somthing tell her "NO" just say No.. tell her she is a grown @$$ woman now.. Since she wants to act like it... then she can have everything else that it comes with.. and that is every man for himself.. Don't Jump through any hoops for her ,until she respects you,, And tell her that Realisticly speaking , she is over 18, so everything that you have done for her and continue to do for her is a privilege and that is it.. and a privilege is somthing that can be taken away at anytime with no consequences..

Answer 8

You are to blame for accomodating her needs to such an extent that you have enabled her toward spoilt brat status. She needs to learn to work for what she needs and then maybe she will develop some respect. Your husband needs to go with her to a therapist and duke it out tere, with the help of a neutral third party, even an experienced mediator may help. You dont want to loose the relationship without first taking steps to reach a better understanding. I am sure she has her issues too and although you paint her as the brat she still needs to be heard!

Answer 9

20 yr,old daughter needs to grow up. You might tell her that you love her and will always try to be there for her,but she needs to be more responsible for herself. Remind her that she has a brother on the way and you have room in your hearts for both of them,but the baby will require more of your time and attention now.
It will be up to her to decide if she wants to continue to be apart of the family.
Sorry,I'm not good at choosing my words,but I hope you know what I mean and I hope you can work thins out with your daughter.

Answer 10

She is a grown women and she knows exactly what she is doing. you have to take care of your self and your husband and if you need to ask her not to step a foot in your house until she can act her age, than do what you must. no one should be so ungrateful and still have the nerve to ask for things when she needs them. if she cant respect you both then she shouldn't be welcomed in your home even if your husband is hurting he should not allow her to disrespect you.

Answer 11

She's an adult, you can't control what she does or her attitude. You can only hope she sees that she is causing you pain and one day tries to make ammends. Until then, you shouldn't indulge her. Don't give her money or financial support. She's an adult for crying out loud! Give her advice and emotional support, but let her make her own way. Hopefully she'll come to respect you for that.