Sex Addict/Home?

Question

I found out a few weeks ago that my husband is a sex addict (yes, I did not know for 10 years - he's a programmer and hid is tracks extremely well plus for the first 6 years, he did it at work only). anyways, it was cybersex only (not that I'm excusing his behavior- it was still ALL bad) but I'm going to try to make this work. I have three kids that need stability in his life.

Here's the thing - for the past three years, he's been doing it in MY office (we dont share it - it was mine since I work from home). I'm having a hard time being in the house without thinking about what he did. I am seeing my own therapist (and for someone who wasn't crazy about the thought of therapy - I'm kind of loving it! LOL :) ) But my question is, do we buy another house to start "fresh" (we could do it but it would be stressful and expensive (moving always is) or should I try to change the rooms around, paint, etc.

Has anyone been through this? Some days, I feel like I'm losing my mind.

thanks everyone for responding. I should have mentioned that he has been seeing a therapist since days after I found out. I found it by mistake - I trusted my husband and wasn't one of those wives that looked through the history on the computer or checked his pockets of his pants. Even if I had checked the computer, he's a programmer and was very good at deleting everythign - this time he forgot one of the two browsers we have running.

He said he can't do this any more. He is a sex addict and it has NOTHING to do with me - apparently, he's been like this since he was 14 - he has lots of stuff to work out and lots of issues that rather than dealign with, he turned to this for healing.

If any of you are dealing with this, please know that you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure them. I know all of this. I just need a way to be healthier myself and was looking to figure out if redoing the house would give me that fresh start. long way to go but we are working on

Answer 1

I know your pain, sweety. It hurts, and the trust is gone because of his deception. and in some small way, you can't help but feel you're not good enough for him or something.
that room is a reminder of that pain, and everytime you go in there, it will still feel that way. It takes a really long time for someone to get over this kind of addiction, moving won't help because at some point, it'll happen in the new home too. what you should do is give that room a complete makeover. like a facelift for your house! go through and burn sage throughout that room, this will cleans and purify it, clearing away years of bad energy.
IM me if you need support. I know I don't know you, but I know your pain. I love you. you can get through this!

Answer 2

No matter what colour you paint your office, you will still have the stigma of cybersex there. Do you think this man is a stable influence in your life or the children's? Talking to your therapist is the best idea yet, and don't think starting fresh will help any until your feelings and issues are resolved--then you can start fresh!

Sounds like you are an intelligent person, so think what is best for you and your children. Your husband needs to seek professional help, he is an addict. If you choose to stay with him, you must be aware that he will always be a reformed addict, even if he gets help. This will affect trust between you forever! Good luck!

Answer 3

Well, point number one; And I am no therapist but.......subliminal thoughts come through either in conversation, actions or written words such as yours...um about that point #1; 1st paragraph -
"I'm going to try to make this work. I have three kids that need stability in his life." His life? What about stability in the kids lives?
Again, subliminal thought? Or just a typo?

Honey, you cannot paint away your husbands sexual appetite. You cannot hire 3 men and a truck to move you away from your husbands sexual prowess.

He needs help too. Online chat addiction can lead to lots of things; actually meeting people for sex. Phone sex. Which if he's been online doing this for the length of time that you say that he has....I'd venture to guess and I say "guess"....that he has likely done one or both.

Facts are, society allows such behavior and grooms us for it these days. Infidelity is huge! The computer is not going to cease b/c your husband is having online sex, which are a form of relationships.

You've not mentioned if you've confronted him. What was his response if you did? He needs to be in therapy as well and with you at some point to get back on track. He needs to know how you feel about this other than the feelings that you're showing here which are "let's re-decorate, let's move".....the computers will move with you. The problems will move with you. And I don't think that Sherwin Williams makes a shade of paint called "fix my husband."

He has a choice to make; You, your children, or the worldwide internet of women and sex. You sound like an extremely strong woman and I think that you could do better actually. Afterall, he's been cheating on you for 6 years.

Btw, stability for your children includes doing what is in their best interest. I will say it again .........do not settle for love or a relationship, you are teaching your children to settle and inthat they will never have a loving and productive relationship as adults.
Your decisions will allow them to become stronger = strength, and your love will teach them what they should expect = trust factors.

Once the trust factor is compromised. It is very hard if impossible to ever recover from. Is he really worth it? Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Just think about cyber sex no touch no feel , if he really wanted to cheat he would have been in a hotel somewhere with a gal. He was getting what he didn't get at home or couldn't ask for at home. men need a whole lot more sex than women the stimulation that they go through having cyber sex stimulates the mind where they don't go to the hotel, he did it in your office because he wanted you to find out and fill the needs he was looking for on line. To stay married for the kids is crap if you cant live with him or are going to make his life a living hell trying to make it up to you then get the hell out. Yes it hurt and yes there is a distrust but he wasn't getting some ting he needed from you and he did it the safest way he could. Been there done that, i don't feel guilty. Buying another house is crap also its about sharing your feelings and growing up to accept that you are adults with adult needs and if you love him you will help meet his needs.

Answer 5

I'd redecorate. Make your office a super-girly place. Paint it pink or something so inane that it's hard to imagine him in that room. I wouldn't go through the stress and expense of moving until you are sure he is making progress toward ending this behavior, and that you will be able to live with it either way.
Good for you for seeing a therapist.

Answer 6

Since you're doing so well with your therapist, I think you should ask him/her. Talk about what your thinking about---buying the new house as opposed to painting or rearranging furniture. I think you'll find that upon talking out loud with someone that you trust, you will find the right solution for you. You may even already know the answer...you just have to look a little deeper.

Answer 7

do you think he won't do it in a new house? you will be bringing the same baggage with you... HIM. it is good that you are in therapy it's to bad he doesn't see that he has a problem and seek some help. you can't FORCE him to get help... therapy only works if a person is WILLING to change.

BEST of wishes to you!

Answer 8

There are several questions here that need to be asked first...and by asked, I mean that you need to ask yourself and/or your therapist. What is your sex life with your husband like? Are there things he would like for you to do that you don't/wont do? How often do you have sex with him? Is it ONLY cybersex, or is it something that he also does with real people (that you know of)? Don't get me wrong, cybersex is still not ok, but it does eliminate the "touch factor", yet cheating, even if it is only mentally & visually, is still somewhat cheating. If he's already taken it to that next level of physically cheating, get a lawyer and tell him he has ONE choice, get help or get out. Nothing about this situation is easy, but don't allow yourself to be a victim of his addiction. It's not your fault, don't take the blame, and don't suffer the consequences any longer.

For some men (and women) they only need a "visual change of scenery" from their significant other and can be content with pleasuring themselves with the thought or visual aid of fantasizing about someone else (i.e. pornography), and believe it or not, this can actually prevent them from cheating even though you still might not like it. So, it's not necessarily a bad thing for a man/woman to engage in these acts if it's just the release they need...yet, professional help is always advisable. However, with others, cheating with someone physically is the natural progression of their nature because eventually, fantasizing will no longer give them the "high" they need.

So, to answer the question you DID ask, NO, moving into another house will not "fix" your problem...it will only move it to another location. The problem itself is not because of the house, the paint color, etc., so making those changes won't help. You have to get to the root of the problem and try to fix it within. He could start by letting himself be the one that seeks therapy, and if that seems to help or at least get you two moving in the right direction, then possibly a marriage counselor is the next step...yet, he might need to spend a lot of time in therapy depending on the level of his addiction. So, instead of moving or redecorating, let the money go towards that instead of trying to cover it up or shift it around...the problem is with your husband, so you're not solving it by painting over it or moving away from "where" it's happening, it will only follow you to the next place you go.

Unfortunately, there is no easy fix, but knowing where to start will save you (and your marriage) any extra added stress financially & emotionally by trying several wrong (and pricey) solutions first before you find what works...because at that point, you might simply be too exhausted and out of patience to deal with it anymore.

As far as your kids are concerned, I would first start by talking with him and letting him know that this is becoming or already is a huge problem, and you want to be understanding & sensitive to his needs, but that you aren't a door mat for him to wipe the feet of HIS problem on. Firmly yet gently give him (your husband) an ultimatum of choosing his family, or his addiction...there is no middle ground. I know that any addiction is hard, and I'm not saying for him to make a decision that day or else he's gone. However, let him know that you feel strongly about this, and that you've made up your mind to take action to resolve this situation one way or the other, and that it's time he made up his mind about what's important to him. Tell him that either he starts today by trying to seek professional help for his addiction so that you & your family can have a life together, or else he needs to take his addiction and selfish behavior elsewhere. Letting him get away with it (addiction or not) is only sending him the message that it's ok with you...and obviously it's not, so it's time to readdress the situation and send him the message he needs to hear. Ignoring it, sweeping it under the rug, or packing it up in a box and storing it in the attic will not make it go away...and it's not ONLY your job to find a method of what works for your family and household. Don't let him take the easy & lazy way out and allow him to make you feel guilty by saying that "it's an addiction, he can't control it", that only gives him an outlet to continue the way he was...and where has that gotten you so far? Demand that he take responsibility for HIS addiction and that he either begin taking steps to correct it, or find another life to live...because there's just no room in your life and house for you, him, your family, your love for each other, and his never-ending cop-out to let it happen.

I know you don't want to run him off by standing your ground, but if he does, then it was inevitable anyway. If you give him the choice, and he then makes his choice, your question will be answered of whether or not his devotion was to you & your family or to his addiction...and either way, you aren't to blame, he made his own choice. If he chose his addiction, then except that and be glad that you didn't have to deal with it for the rest of your life pretending that it wasn't there. If he chooses you & your family, then give him the support he needs without letting him convince you that he only needs "a taste" of that life every now & then to feel complete...because with any addiction, that only leads back to being a full blown addict. Stand your ground, be firm, be loving, be understanding, don't let your guard down, don't give him an outlet, be clear of the message you are sending, talk with him, cry with him, go to therapy with him if necessary, but take back the control of you, your family, and your household...because if you ignore it or you're waiting for him to do it, you're simply spinning your wheels until you let off the gas and admit, "Ok, I'm stuck...I'm not getting anywhere and I need help".

Answer 9

yes , i think you should re-decorate an change around the house. but you didn't say if he had another woman in there ..or was he just playing with it? but i would say re-decorate the rooms.