A little advice would be great...?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend for about three years now. We have a house, two dogs, and raise his 14 year old daughter together. His daughter has been stealing from me for months now. Our puppy is chewing the crap out of our house (although he has really attached himself to me, so I don't have the heart to get rid of him). I recently had to take a second job because my boyfriend has had a bad work history (losing one job only to take time to find another), and he was only getting about 25-30 hours of work a week anyhow. So now I am working about 60 hours a week, and barely even have time to even read anymore, let alone do anything else because I am so tired. My boyfriend is 37, is a recovering addict, has diabetes, neuropathy, and smokes a lot ($400/mo-about what I make at my second job). His neuropathy is getting worse, and yesterday he had to go to the emergency room again, and call in sick to work. His primary care doctor told him that it is time to start the process of...

...filing for disability, because he is "clearly " disabled. Because of his health issues, he is on the MAX pain killers, which also makes him disinterested in sex. So, we only have it about once every three months. I am only 28, and I feel like I am going to have to work two jobs for the rest of my life just to take care of him and is daughter. And now is all stressed out (righfully so) about the situation and is treating me like crap. I love him and he is a very good person (unlike my abusive, cheating ex-husband who I also took care of). I feel torn. Do I throw in the towel and start over? Do I hope that things will work themselves out? I have no idea how we are going to buy gifts for Christmas. I have no idea how I am going to get the new glasses I have desperately needed for the last year (let alone getting a haircut!). I don't think I will have time to ever work on my art again. And we don't live extravagantly by any means! Any advice would be great.
-Hopeless gal

Answer 1

First off, get a safe with a lock. Even if it is just a lock box, Sentry makes one for about $20 the size of a suitcase and is fire proof. Second sit Miss Priss down and give her a list of things she could be doing while you are at work. It will help relieve some of your stress and give her some experience at being responsible. Look online for good puppy training advice, print out some pointers and paste it on the fridge and have both her and your guy enforce those tips while you are at work. Then I suggest you all going into family therapy especially for those who are recovering addicts. Sounds like he has replaced one addiction for another....those pills. Addicts often look for things to be wrong to excuse theirself from what they do. Then call a local Christian Outreach center or church near you and enquire about assistance for Christmas and contact your local medical clinic to see if they are aware of any low cost or free eye care programs being offered in your area. Finally, don't go straight home from work for about 3 days, do something relaxing where you can sit and think. You've already drained 3 years of your life and you are young. Is this really how you want to live? Sounds to me like this guy has no respect for you and even though you may love him, the kind of love you need back isn't being given. If it were me I'd get out now and yes you may love him, but a big hurt all at once is so much better than a bunch of hurts drawn out over several more years if you stay. He sounds toxic and it sounds like he may take your life down along with his. Usually when people say recovering addict, it's not alcohol it's usually heroin or opiates. If that is the case, he hasn't recovered and isn't because he is taking pain killers and they are opaites as well, just the same as heroin. Produces the same high. Chances are he's not taking his meds as prescribed and all these trips to the hospital and such may actually be what they refer to as dope sick when you don't have enough opiates in your system. He may be getting sick when he runs out of pills and going to the hospital to obtain more painkillers. Does his physician know he is a "recovering" addict? I bet if he really did know he woudln't prescribe those to him. I think he is a bum who hasn't recovered from anything and is trying to give you a snow job. If I were you I wouldn't even need time to reflect about it...I'd go! If he has diabetes, does he take insulin injections? I just wonder how much you really know about him...I also wonder if he was mainlining his drugs (shooting them up) if so you definitely need to get out of there because you can be exposed to Hepatitis, HIV, and a whole other list of diseases. Please talk about everything you know in your home and environment and what he has told you to a drug counselor....I guarantee you there is so much more here than you are seeing. You may not want to, but I think you need to leave him. It really would be best for you and even him...because maybe if he doesn't have someone supporting him he'll be forced to wake up and take care of himself and get his act together (although highly unlikely...most addicts have to hit lower than bottom and even then not all seek true recovery)

Answer 2

Firstly, he is not a "recovering addict." He is now addicted to the pain pills. This happens a lot with recovering people. They have an accident or develop chronic pain and then they are off to the races with the painkillers. I bet he did not tell the doctor he cannot have narcotics. Ther is only one safe pain pill and it is called Tramadol (one of the brand names). Tell him to talk to his doctor about that, after he gets detoxet from the Rx pain pills, which are all opiate derivatives (opium, heroin are also opiates!).
He is also using you to enable his behavior.

Secondly, his daughter is stealing and this is not right. You need to address this. She could just be a little thief or she could also be an addict. Having a close relative that is addicted raises the chance that a kid will turn out addicted.

Sounds like your prior abusive relationship set you up for this one. This doesn't look as bad (compared to before) but it is potentially just as harmful. I usually don't give advise because of what I do for a living, but you should leave and cut your losses. But, you seem to love this guy and probably won't leave as so many people here have advised you.

You are co-dependent. Whether you stay or go in this relationship you need to get some help. Try Nar-anon or Al-anon. Run a search on the internet. Click on the link below. Take some time out and go to some meetings. The folks at Alanon will help you for free. After you get some strength in Al-anon, set some boundaries with this guy and his theiving daughter. You don't deserve to be used in this way. IF you keep on like this you will likely develop some stress-related illness. Eventually people who are co-dependent and are left untreated can get as sick or sicker than the addict or alcoholic.

Good luck. Email me if you have any more questions. I do this for a living.

Answer 3

god, lady, I have read some dillies, but this is really a mess...You've been pretty faithful in the face of him trying just about anything to get out of life. (Forget buying holiday gifts for anyone --- you just can't afford to do it....) I'd say you have given all this a go, and you and he need some counseling. We know that nicotine is not cool for the bod, he is/was an addict of some sort, which automatically tells me he was at least for a long time simply "unavailable"...You've been there three years, and my only question is why? He is doing nothing to help you, and less than nothing to help himself and his own health. You don't have a relationship, you are a care-giver -- for his kid (who now steals from you, the dogs, him, and his addictions and diseases. It is indeed difficult to leave someone who is ill, but you didn't cause these illnesses, he did. And there is nothing you can do to cure them, and he is doing nothing to make them less debilitating.. He has no work ethic, and it looks like your future will be even worse than your present with this guy. If you wish a life of your own, I'd say it's time to get him on public assistance, and leave. Stay his friend, if you wish, but this looks like a case of self-preservation. Of course saying to leave and actually doing so are two different matters. But you are a young woman, and this guy is an anchor around your leg. Stay if you wish to be a care-giver, get a life of your own alone if you wish something else. The choices are clear. The guts to leave is something else.

Answer 4

How strong is your relationship with him, does he love you, do you love him? Do you feel used? (I would). Sounds like you should seek help from a qualified professional, it may help you make some firm decisions. In the meantime, tell your bf that since he has some time on his hands, that he should spend more time giving discipline to his daughter and the puppy since you are so busy providing for most of your family's financial needs. If he claims that he is too sick to do this, he's not being completely honest with you because there a lot of people who have health problems who still manage to be responsible and capable partners, parents, etc. What kind of relationship and life do you want and can you achieve that with this person? While you are trying to sort this all out, try to avoid feeling sorry for him as this will cloud your better judgement.

Answer 5

Girl, you sure have a way of picking them! Well, lets see. You're sad, feel overworked, sensing that you are the only one with the responsibility to keep the house together. Still, you called him your boyfriend and not your husband. Technically you are not married but I think in Gods eyes you are. That may mean nothing to you! It does for me so my advice has to follow this path. I think it's time to put down an ultimatum! He focuses on work (full time), she either assists you with everything and stops her theft spree, or moves in with Momma. You will continue to work as hard as you do for a period of 2 weeks, after that things change. You will now find time for you. Whether you use it to sit and read, or go jet skiing, or coffee with friends, it's your choice. I would never tell a married person to leave without there being a cheating situation going on. So this decision will have to be yours if you want to enforce the ultimatum. I would hope you don't. But at the same time I feel for your suffering, and hope for your future to be much happier. All I can offer is Good Luck to you.

Answer 6

I can understand your frustration with your situation. Teenagers, especially girls are always a challenge to deal with. I would suggest for punishment for every dollar she steals that she must work off what she has taken, times two. I had this problem with my daughter at this age and I made her do everything from digging a garden to painting and housework. I also installed a paddle lock on the outside of my bedroom door so I could lock up my money and valuables. My daughter could actually "pick" the standard door knob lock. Keep your purse and valuables locked up! You may love the adorable little puppy, but it sounds to me like you do not have the time or the money to have him. If you really love him, I suggest finding him a home which someone has the time to spend with him, and the money to provide appropriate care (vet visits, shots, heart worm prevention, flea prevention, food, toys, treats, etc). Your boyfriend smoking is a BIG expense, I know that quitting isn't as simple as it sounds, I suggest doing what I did, buy a rolling machine, tobacco and tubes. I roll my own cigarettes and the cost is only $10.00 per carton this way. I see you ran out of space at the end of your question, and was assuming it was going to state start the process of collecting social security. If not, I suggest that he start the process. It will take some time, but it sounds like he would be eligible for SSI. Keep your head up, cut back on unnecessary costs and put your "step-daughter" to work around the house, and also your boyfriend. With two jobs you need help with the house.

Answer 7

You are in a bad situation. Your ex was abusive and you have put yourself in another abusive relationship. May I gently suggest you walk out the door and don't look back? You are a good person but you have issues you need to deal with such as why you keep making the same mistake with choice of men, why you have a need to be walked on. He can get on disability and he and his daughter can work their own lives out. Leave NOW and get yourself into counseling immediately. Call MHMR or public health department and ask where you can get some low cost counseling. Do not get into another relationship with anyone or anything else for at least a year.

Answer 8

Either this girl has an INCREDIBLE memory or she likes you. It couldn't hurt to ask her out, could it? She seems to be with you on a bit more of a personal level, but if this is some small town local coffee shop, then it's not that abnormal for her to recognize you because everybody knows everybody in a small town. Hope this helped. Good luck!

Answer 9

Oh my god, honey! Seems like you got yourself into one helluva mess! First of all, you need to have proof that his little girl is stealing from you. Once you can prove her guilty, have her arrested. Stealing is stealing reguardless if it's in your own home or not. How old is the puppy? If it's young, it will grow out of it, you just need to find other things for him to chew on. OR, you could start punishing him for his behaviour. When he does it, chain him outside for a bit or put him in his cage. As for your beloved boyfriend, honey, when they say that relationships come with issues, boy they weren't exaggerating when it came to him! He needs to quit smoking! I did it, and I know plenty of other people who did it. Refuse to buy it for him. If he can't hold a job, he can't smoke. Simple as that. You do not have to support his habit! Basically, honey, if the kitchen is getting too hot for you, get out. You did not marry him and it may be 3 years too many for you. You always have to put yourself first in life. If you're not happy, no one will be. Simple as that. Do what you need to do, even if it's leaving him, to make yourself happy. Neurology will eventually kill him and smoking doesn't help. He has a death wish. Let him die alone if you feel it's too much for you.

Answer 10

And you need all this why? Sounds to me like you are a meal ticket and someone to help take care of him, his dtr, dog and house.....I'm having trouble figuring out what in all of this makes you happy and makes your life complete....He has a long bad road ahead and does not appear to be doing much to improve the situation...who is taking care of you or making sure that you are happy....I think that you deserve better and certainly deserve a partner that will share the burden of life with you....Think it's time to moved on with your life. Take care...my thoughts are with you