Constructive Criticism on poem ?

Question

I wrote this poem and I need some feedback about how good/bad it is

The poem is about me not knowing how to write rhyming poetry, hence the title. Just tell if it sucks or if its good. I don't mind negative feedback.


The Rhyme

The rhyme, The question, The allusive query
Escaping tongue, Caught in hand, Entombed in ink
A broken shard of fondness shaped into refined envy
Sinuous rapids of conundrums afflict the writers’ sync

Hypnotized by resolve, mesmerized by tenacity
Cloaked under puzzling venture
Mislaid rendition vanishing courtly
Waltzing rhythm of assonance
Radiate prestige on this bookish raconteur.

Wyverex- thanks for the insightful words. Next time I wont try to force it. I had to use a thesaurus and a dictionary to get to rhyme on some parts :/
Guess ill have to go back to the drawing board and try "less" harder.

I know I said I don't mind negative feedback. but can you guys tone it down. your hurting my writer's ego :(

Answer 1

I have read a great deal of poetry on this site, and most of it is pretty bad. Yours isn't. Yes that's a compliment. I agree that you do need to work on the flow and rhythm. It is wordy, and the breaks that you took to consult your thesaurus are evident in the poem.

When I write a poem, I don't think at all, but just let the words come to me. Meditate on the thoughts or feelings you wish to express and let your mind wander. Try not to focus so much on words, but more on mental imagery. When an image comes into your head, do your best to capture its essence in words. This way instead of trying to turn words into feeling, you are translating feelings/ thoughts into words. The phrases don't even have to make literal sense, they just have portray the image/ emotion as accurately as possible. And don't THINK, just react. Go from mental image/ sensation to words as quickly as possible, or your mind will try to censor you.

After you have finished your first draft this way, go back and fine tune it. This is when you do the thinking. which phrases work and which don't, is the poem cohesive, and so on. But always wait until you are finished with the first draft before thinking too hard about it and before making judgements on it. This way your poetry won't sound forced, but authentic. Just remember that you can always go back later and change it if the first product isn't perfect. You can also go back and find ways to make it rhyme too (never try to rhyme the first way through). I actually prefer poetry that doesn't rhyme though. It just seems more genuine to me. But that's just my opinion. Good Luck.

Answer 2

This made me smile because it reminded me of the poems I wrote as a teenager. Then I had a creative writing professor who kept writing "Blah, blah, blah" in the margins of my poetry journal. I sympathize with the feeling that "good poetry" = sophistication, but honesty and transparency go a lot further toward the crafting of a good poem than does a thesaurus.

"Brevity is the soul of wit" -- memorize this quote (from Hamlet) and repeat it to yourself at tempting moments. Think about the emotional impact of the world's shortest story: "Baby shoes for sale, never worn."

But on the other hand, learn all those words that you looked up! Some of them are fantastically rich and beautiful, and will lend depth to your future writing. I love some of the lines as well: "entombed in ink," "bookish raconteur"?? Get out! Those are great!

Answer 3

It's a good theme but the metaphor of flame as love--- hard to make it fresh and alive. The metaphors pile up and get inconsistent and confused. "What is longing made from that it does not wear out with use?" That is the beginning of a poem about longing. Play with your theme. Ask it questions or ask questions about it. What is love made from? What is fire made from? Imagine how mysterious it seemed as a child. Look at it afresh. Make a small bonfire and really try to SEE and hear and experience it, the process. Observe the meanderings of your mind. This might lead to a new way of expressing your theme in a way others can't. Can a fire burn without consuming all? What can it leave behind?

Answer 4

What makes a poem work are the music of its sounds and specific details, not abstractions, that resonate with the reader. Your poem has a lot of abstractions and is hard to follow.

If you want to read some good poems, check out poetry daily, or poem a day, online. Read the work of recent U.S. poet lauriates, such as Billy Collins, Ted Kooser, and currently, Donald Hall. These poets are easy to understand and fun to read.

Answer 5

'tis good my lad
but oh so sad
that you cannot seem to rhyme.
Do not feel bad
it can be had
It just takes a little time.

I like the fact that it is so very complex, it really leaves you with the sense of pushing hard, very hard, to get the desired result....in the first portion. The second seems a bit....more than is necessary??? Yes, I do believe that is what I mean to say (it is 5am where I am, I am short on descriptive words at the moment)

Answer 6

Write some concrete imagery that people can identify with. Express your feelings more simply. Put in some similes and metaphors to make it sound more poetic and flowing. A simile is a statement with the words like or as in it. Take out the sinuous rapids of conundrums line. It doesn't sound very poetic.

Answer 7

its really good but very very hard to understand because of the all the complex adjectives you use try using easier words so people can understand the poem without having to consult a dictionary for every second word you use. It sounds sad though even though I don't understand it just reading it makes it sound like there's a lot of melancholy

Answer 8

I, have completely NO idea what you are talking about. Maybe you should keep it a bit more understandable.

Oh yeah, with the fact that you actually used a thesaurus,

THIS IS NOT POETRY!

Poetry, is an art that flows off your mind, an expression of what you feel, at the time of writing, when you use a thesaurus, you have lost all art in a poem. He's right, you have to do it naturally, let it flow off your mind.

Answer 9

Much of what I see in the different answers is true about your poem, I think. When I write a poem I try to focus on letting my love for language come through it, no matter the subject of the poem. I also concentrate on my relationship to the words I choose. A thesaurus or a dictionary don't really help too much with that. But, it is very easy to see you are working on choosing words, but are your choices based on getting just the right word that means exactly what you are trying to portray, like in a painting, for instance. Maybe backing away from the issue of words for rhyming and instead focusing on words for meaning will help. The first issue for me is to decide on the relationship of a word to what I am feeling about the subject. The questions I find myself asking are about whether a word choice can actually carry the meaning, the feeling, the pain, the pleasure that it needs so that in the context of the poem's other words this particular word helps all the parts add up together to make the scene I am trying to get onto the page. This is not to say I don't look up words in both those kinds of references. But, that is about choosing between the differences between words, not about rhyming. For instance, is the word 'ochre' representing the kind of color I am looking for when the texture of something is also a concern. The word 'crimson' does not achieve that textural feeling, does it, that 'ochre' does. Ochre as a color has a range from yellow to deep red running through a range of colors as it is usually connected in meaning to earth/dirt, etc.. So, you can see there seems to be more involved in word choice than merely rhyme. But, then, I also have a bias against rhyme that puts it last on my editing list of things to do in my writing a poem. The poem below is well published, something I wrote many years ago, but I've been changing the words every year for years, trying out different word choices, trying to get the exact meaning I think I mean. So, if and when you run across it in a anthology of poems somewhere, you might not find it in the version you see below.

As to the way you feel about the difficulty of ryhming, if you really look at how you feel it would be hard for me to believe, and I think for you to believe, that the words you have so far chosen, really represent very well those terrible feelings you must have about it. I like some of your choices though. I like: A broken shard . . , but I don't like . . .of fondness. I love . . . entombed in ink (can I use that one?) Now, picture an 'escaping tongue'. Rather comical, isn't it. For me, I am never choosing just one word. I am choosing how words work together. What is the relationship between different words in a poem? Each word is a building block for the imagery, yes, but words together create the relationships they have, and when I start adding up the relationships on the page, they must make sense to me. They must compel me toward more words, more images, more conceptual meaning. Add to this whole issue are the sounds words make, alone as well as together. Notice in the poem below, how there is a softness to the feel of things that is coming from words with certain letter gatherings, i.e,. 'weaves and whispers'. Using these particular words helps me create the tone in which I want a reader/me to 'hear' the poem. Like in the movie Star Wars, I have to let the Force help me. What that force is I cannot say, but it is inside me when I dig deep enough, and let go of my trying to feel and just feel. At that moment of change, the words that reflect my real feelings about things comes through. The result is hopefully an honesty that cannot be forced. If I knew you better, I could help you find the words, but I cannot know you better by the words of your poem. I find hints about you in the poem but not enough to know how you really feel about rhyming. Maybe if you wrote a poem that does not rhyme, using the same theme about the trouble of rhyming may help you reflect your honest feelings about it. Then go from there to make the poem rhyme. Your question has helped me think about something that I've not thought about in a long time, so thanks for that. Don't take the criticisms too much to heart. Take only what you need and leave the rest behind.

Love for Metaphor

The elegance of words
Weaves and whispers your name
On the wind. In a smoky ghost
Of Difference and “différance,”
One of its currents curls
Over the allusion
Of an ‘other’ to another.

Like an egret
Atop a cypress stump,
The Symbol of flight awaits
The swamp of its touch.
No dumb waiter, the breadth of silence,
The current . . .
. . . A touch.

Your alpha and your omega,
It makes you the nothing ‘something’ you are.
And, it makes me love you.

© ccryder 1994

Answer 10

It sucks. It sounds like you are trying too hard to be articulate. Stop trying to use obscure adjectives and just let it flow. Thats my point of view anyway! Keep it up

'do what you will,
this life's a fiction,
and is full of
contradictions!'