How can a woman make sure that she ends up with a non abusive husband?

Question

How can a woman make sure that she ends up with a non abusive husband?

The reason i asked is that i noticed someone in my family is abusive. Well one of my brothers.He even called me a ***** once and i fought back telling to never EVER call me that. I fought him head on and he even tried to charge towards me to scare me. I didnt move a centimeter!

However im sorry for my sister in law. SHe has to put up with that crap. When we were kids, I would have never imagined my bro to turn out like that. He is a pessimistic person but to add the verbal abuse to it does not sit well with me.

My dad was also verbally abusive towards the end of his life. After he passed we discovered he had a huge head injury which explained his bizzare personality change. He was also controlling and he controlled everything( money wise, he would not give out a penny unless he really had to.)

I read alot about abusive relationships, the patterns, the cycles..all the different signs of a potential abusive relationship.

I also noticed a pattern in my family. The women who were stuck in such a predicament often married the man after a short period of time and didnt really get the chance to date the person. Also in the culture dating was considered a bad thing of some sort.

How can i make sure i end up with a god husband who will be kind and not abusive?

Answer 1

I got this off a website. Hope it helps!

Warning Signs in Abusive Person's Behavior With You or Other Adults:

Has an excessive and early attachment, with a quick push for commitment.
Is possessive. Calls and visits unexpectedly, checks up on you, reads your mail, monitors and/or interferes with other relationships.
Is excessively controlling -- of money, investments, entertainment. Interrogates you about your activities. Tries to keep you from making decisions for yourself. Expects you to stay in a stereotypical or servant role. Enjoys trapping you.
Expects you to meet every need and "be there." Will have impossible expectations, and when you fail to meet them, will make you responsible, saying, "this is all your fault," "I wouldn't get so angry if you'd just do things right," or "if only you'd be nice to me, I could be nice to you."
Tries to isolate you from family and friends (saying they only "cause trouble"). May want you to quit your job, give up your car or telephone.
Consistently blames others - friends, family, the children, government, employer, police, teachers - for problems or things that go wrong.
Has low self-esteem. Is hypersensitive to criticism and easy to insult. Will rant and rave about things that can't be helped, and will claim to be hurt when actually angry.
Flaunts power symbols -- such as weapons or brute force.
Withholds support, love, or affection out of anger, hurt, or need for power
Enjoys hurtful, degrading, or violent sex. Finds the idea of rape thrilling. Will ignore your protests by telling you "it's all in fun."
Has poor control over emotions. Has erratic and severe mood swings -- going from sweet and tender one minute to angry or violent the next.
Might admit to hitting a partner in the past, but says the partner "made" him/her do it.
Might admit to having been sexually or physically abused.
Is critical of you and others. Will say hurtful, even cruel things, and might enjoy waking you up just to criticize you. Might threaten you with violence, saying "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and will dismiss your fears with "You're crazy," "You're no fun," "I was just talking," or "Everybody says that." Might even seem honestly remorseful...but the remorse doesn't last.
Uses the children against you; threatens you with loss of your children or with harm to your children if you don't do what you're told.
Threatens you with suicide or with reporting you to authorities; makes you participate in illegal activity in order to hold you.

I think if you should date a person for a long time (a year or 2) to make sure they don't have any of these signs and behaviors.

Answer 2

That's a difficult one. Sadly I think a big part of the problem is there are so many abusive men out there. Today's society doesn't encourage men to discuss their feelings. It's considered a bit girlish to talk about relationship problems. They don't really talk to their friends the way women do. So if their are issues in the relationship or in other aspects of their life, often abusive behaviour is the only release they have. It isn't necessarily the woman's fault she is with an abusive man.

I think your reaction to your brothers abuse was the right one. Don't put up with it, make it clear it is an unacceptable way to treat people. It seems likely your brother's pattern of behaviour was learned from your father which is particularly sad because that was obviously a result of his injury. I can empathise with that. My husband was on medication for 8 years which made him verbally, though not physically abusive, I had no idea until the doctor changed his medication and his personality changed literally overnight.

It is fortunate that your feelings of self worth don't seem to have been damaged by your fathers behaviour. You know you don't deserve to be treated like that. Make sure you future partner knows it too, you should be OK.

Answer 3

Unfortunately there's no sure fire way to know if the man will turn out to be abusive. It's often discovered by trial and error. However, the more you get to know someoen, the more clues you will find. The things you have to look for are: How does he treat his mother, sister or any women in his family? How does he interact with other women? Does he talk down to them? Does he make derogaroty remarks to them or about them? Just because a man came from an abusive family it doesn't necessarily mean he will turn out that way too. The reverse can also be said though and once you start seeing signs that he will be abusive, get out of that relationship as quickly as you can.

Answer 4

Date him for a long time.... that's the only way. I think many women who end up with jerks either marry them right away or move in right away, and they didn't have time to find out how psycho they were before the man was able to lock them in. Just be cautious, and careful, and if you see ANY signs of an abusive personality, leave.........run........

Answer 5

My dad shows some signs of being a verbal abuser. I married a man who's a complete polar opposite of my dad (more passive, like my mom) but we only dated a few months before starting to plan the wedding. (like 3 months...we knew eachother for over a year when we got married, but the nine months before the wedding was totally obsessed with wedding stuff)

Answer 6

One can never be sure, that their partner will never be abusive. i have been on both sides of this. i was verbally abusive and physically abusive to one of my first girlfriends. i yelled at her and then pushed her down some stairs. Although she got away with just a few scrapes and bruises, i am not proud of this at all. but the flip side of the coin is that i just got out of hospital two months ago thanks to my now bf who broke one of my ribs and my left kneecap. i never realised the damage i could have done to my ex.

Answer 7

Be sure of your man before you marry him!! His behaviour can be an indication. Check his background and visit his family see how they live and if the spouses are happy. Remember his family background is very important.

Answer 8

go for an outing..and see how he behaves with people younger than him and people like...sweepers and all..if he is abusive towards them...

Answer 9

Well this is what my gf told me............ u can tell what a guy will be like the way he treats his mother/sister/gradma.