What do you think of this poem?
--untitled, about apathy--
To write, to sing to laugh, to cry,
Expect emotion, expect compassion and care,
But to myself such an existence is simply not there.
Delusioned and pretending
I can never completely mask this indifference,
And just find that apathy constantly persists this,
This mind, this life, this everything is void of all that matters,
But what is to matter? Can you want what you can’t miss?
Can you anticipate something that isn’t there?
Why answer when I don’t even care.
I’d like to think I truly am what some thoughts behold me of,
But for now I suppose,
I shall never truly rise above.
Honest opinions please. =)
2006-11-25 16:24:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Other - Arts & Humanities
It is the job of the poet to create words when they are needed. Delusioned is just fine. Might you have added "pretendinged" it could've looked better.
It is also the job of the poet to give art to language, to make poetic beauty.
Where is the rhythm and the deep, human, artistic empathy of your words? Flat, it seems.
Go find them, put them back in the expression, and bring us new images of language as art.
2006-11-25 21:20:52 · answer #1 · answered by Longshiren 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this is a poem about apathy as the subject, it is very good in its description.
If this is a poem about you or a person with apathy as the subject, it is still very good in description, but I also see a person with hope and want.
Apathy is a result, a cover, perhaps a protective shell. Take that away, and there may be something present that is unexpected.
2006-11-26 00:52:42 · answer #2 · answered by wickster 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Metaphor is good, but I'd embed some of the rhymes--for example, you have the word 'care' twice at the end of different stanzas. Good job, keep writing!
2006-11-26 04:48:34 · answer #3 · answered by magnamamma 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your poem is a question in itself so in a way it opposes apathy. Your words just depict a moment of bewilderment.
2006-11-26 00:56:58 · answer #4 · answered by Giralda 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
This person has accepted their station in life. Since they will never live a better life than what they have, they will accept their life and make the best of it.
2006-11-26 00:29:09 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm not sure there is such a word as 'delusioned'- but 'deluded' would be fine.
2006-11-26 00:36:12 · answer #6 · answered by d_step 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋