Confronting mom on poor parenting, any advice?

Question

I am 22, married with a child and am starting to realize how many bad/selfish decisions my mom made raising me. On top of much effort fixing these problems, I am trying to get over my anger and resentment. I know babies don't come with instructions and my mom isn't perfect but I am still resentful. I need to come to peace with these issues so I can finally confront her on her bad behaviors in a calm manner rather than an angry outburst. These frustrations I feel on a daily basis are effecting every area of my life and I need to get over them in order to move on. She is not an alcoholic but has many of the same behaviors so I tried going to an Alanon meeting but it didn't help. Any other suggestions from anyone with a similar experience? If you have personal experience and wish to share you can e-mail me at [e-mail].

Answer 1

Dear Erin,

I know exactly what you are going through and exactly how you feel. Lots of people are telling you to let it go, they are not wrong, but for me the piece that was missing was the HOW.

I sat down with a pen and a notebook and I wrote my mother a letter. The first one I wrote was scathing, mean, confrontational and a lot of finger pointing examples. After I wrote that letter, I felt a little bit better inside. I re-read that letter two weeks later and decided to write a new letter instead. The second letter still held a lot of anger and frustration but was not near as nasty and spiteful. I felt better after that one also. Again two weeks later re-read and wrote a third letter.

By writing the letters I was getting the anger, hatred and resentments out of my head and was able to not think about them as much. Every time I wrote one of these letters it took more of the anger and hatred out. I did confront my parents about the things that were really bad and wrong but was able to do so in a non-confrontational way because I had already done the confrontational part in my letters. I never showed or sent the letters to anyone, and when I was ready to let go of the crap I put them in the fireplace and burned them.

Good Luck and feel free to email me @ [e-mail]

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Honey, you are 22 and alot of people are going to be telling you to just let this go and move on. But I disagree. I think you need to let mom know how you feel and give her a chance to either apologize or explain her inexperience. It's the only way you are going to be able to heal. It comes across as though mom isn't even acknowledging her poor parenting and that is where the hurt is coming from....she thinks she's done nothing wrong and is basically dismissing your hurt. Which, I hate to say this...but in all honesty, she might not even realize she was a bad parent. So when you have this heart to heart with her, you should have some specific examples.

On a lighter note, you are a mom now yourself and a much wiser one than most. Reason being is that you see what bad parenting can do to a child. You already have the mindset that you are going to put your child before anything and everything else in your life. Not too many people do that in this day and age hon, and that is a quality that is learned. In saying that, you may have to realize that even if mom doesn't want to see the light....you have and you are a much better mother for it.

I wish you and your baby a lifetime of love and happiness.

Answer 4

I don't want to come across as rude but... I think that's quite selfish of YOU (and your husband). Your brother is only 24, and if he was a 'poor parent' he would not be asking for adivce. Parenting comes easier to some than it does to others i don't think it's anything to do with 'lack of knowledge of becoming a parent'. I was 24 when I had my first and it was so overwhelming for me and my husband, if it wasn't for advice and help from family members we would have struggled a hell of a lot. And I know from experience it takes A LOT to suck in your pride and ask for help, so I would be grateful he is reaching out to you and just help and support him as much as you can. If he's actually calling in literally the middle of the night/early hours of the morning, just let him know as nicely as you can that he can't awaken you and your family at that time... because that's not fair - reassure him he's doing a good job (even if he's not, I mean as long as he's not shaking his baby or dropping her on her head or anything) and maybe you could visit and show him some tips on how to comfort and soothe baby when she's distressed sometime. Gererally though, he sounds a very good parent. I wouldn't confront him about anything. Sorry this isn't the anwer you were probably looking for!

Answer 5

Confronting your mother now about her bad choices in the past might distance the two of you.

My sister feels like my parents denied her of something, and she has a tought time dealing with this by buying all sorts of superfluous "stuff" for her kids, which will of course never substitute what she feels she missed out on...

I don't know what sort of mental state your mother is in...is she a reactional person, or a rational person? Controlling, or passive?

Can you seek some therapy? Not a head-shrinker person, but jusy someone you can talk to and share what you are feeling, even if it is close friends, etc?

You might also straight out ask your Mother:"mom, there are some things I have been meaning to talk to you about", and simply ask her in a non-condensending, low-level manner, why she did the things she did. What may seem crazy to you and I may actually have a rational answer, or maybe not, but one way or another, you have to find out.

Answer 6

Do not do this. Do not confront her with these things. You need to make your own peace your own way - go to counselling and work things through if you must. Our parents did the best they could at the time, knowing what they knew. Ours is not to question why.
If you feel these resentments are affecting your life, and you feel you need to "get over them" that is really just justifying the state of your life, and trying to use that as an excuse.
You are now a mature adult, with a family of your own. You need to smarten up and not blame others for things which you feel are affecting you. You have adult choices to make and need to be mature. Set aside the thinkings of a child.... wish you luck!

Answer 7

I have similar experience. I have reached peace by comprehending the fact that my mother really did make the best choices she was able to make. She truly thought that what she did would be the best for me. It was incorrect, but it's what she believed. On the other hand, it sounds like perhaps your mother was unable to make the best choices for you because her own problems were distorting her judgement quite significantly.
I am pretty sure that at no time in her life did your mother sit back and think, 'Now what can I do to really screw up my daughter's life?'. She just wouldn't have thought that. Perhaps she didn't make great choices for you, but perhaps, she did the best she was able to do. And, you're alive, married, able to bear children, intelligent, and articulate, so perhaps it wasn't that bad.
I suggest you simply Make The Decision to move on, and decide that the past really is the past, and doesn't have any more power over you than you allow it to have.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Erin, I can relate-- more than I care to share at this moment because rehashing is bad for my depression but I can tell you that
1. You have learned from your mother's mistakes and are a better mom for it- you will NEVER repeat her mistakes, as will she will never repeat any mistakes you make when she becomes a mother.
2. If you want to mentally "survive" and be the best mom for your child, you HAVE TO FORGIVE HER, for whatever reasons, she did the best she was capable of and until you learn to accept that fact, you cannot be a better mom yourself. Resentment is like jealousy- it is the little green demon that should never be left out of its box.
3. Get counseling- if you can afford it, see a one on one psychologist, if you cant afford it, call your local mental health office and find a group session that you can go to. You need to feel better about yourself to come to peace.
4. FORGIVE HER- no matter what, she is YOUR mother and when she dies, you want to know that you were the best child she could have- the best mother letting her see her grandchild as much as she wanted, and NEVER and I mean NEVER bad mouth your mother to your child--you dont want your child to be needing counseling do you???

From someone who has been there and is still recuperating- God bless............

Answer 9

Why do you need to confront her? That's in the past and I'm sure she has a lot of guilt tied to this problem. You need to just decide, are you going to love your mother(with all her warts) or decide to end the relationship. My mom wasn't the best, but after I gave up the resentments and developed some grace, I started building an adult relationship with her. Now we are very good friends. It didn't happen over night, but it did happen.....Continue to be the best mom you can. she will see it and be proud of you,

Answer 10

The problem people have with getting focused on the wrong issues is believing that someone needs to be told how much you dislike what they have done. What she taught you is what do not want to do. Spend the time and energy being a better parent then she was and being the parent you want to be. Grow because you are better not resent because she is not as good as you.