12 years of marriage and is it time to end it?

Question

I feel like i live with a roomate a bad roomate at that. I cook clean work a full time job and take care of two kids. My husband after work sits watching tv or playing video games. Hes forty and acts 16. He works alot of crazy hours and when he is home he's on the phone with his friends or in front of some video game. By the end of the day im exhusted. I try to talk to him it always ends in a argument. He always says i dont do anything, my house isnt super clean we have a toddler and i am always picking up toys. His sex drive is horrible , and im angry all the time.

Answer 1

Don't end your marriage before exhausting all the alternatives to save it, like marriage counseling, try some church group, etc, sometimes monotony is the killer of marriages, try something new, try to re-discover your husband, but don't end it just yet, and...if after trying all things possible to save it from divorce nothing seems to change, well...then ..you can think about divorce him.

Answer 2

Well this sounds like my life but I am a man.I work 40+ hours in 4 days I live home on Sunday afternoon get back Thursday afternoon.And when I walk threw the door I start to work at home I do all the cooking the cleaning the yard work keep the house up I do it all.I have a 24 year old girl still at home she don't work or do any thing else .My wife works all so but the job she got is not a hard job she it at home most of the time she just don't clean well.And her sex drive has never been good.I have left 2 time and allways come back I do love her but.I realy know how you feel dont know what to tell you or myself me and my wife have been married fo 26 years been with her to long to leave now.If you are young you need to go find a new life before you get older like I am.Good luck with your life and dont stay if you are not happy dont stay for the children as I did.

Answer 3

Dear "Not so great",
It's NOT time to end it, it's time to tell your Husband you see a problem and ask him how he feels and get him talking without arguing! At least you can try that first.
Hear each other out before you end up saying things you both don't mean or else the marriage could come to an end prematurely!
You both need to meet halfway and come to an understanding and that's number 1.
Realize after 12 years of marriage, some couples aren't aware they indirectly take each other for granted and maybe this is going on with you! Tensions build and resentments rise which ends up a vicious circle and these behaviors you mentioned do come into play!

Don't do anything rash and open those lines of communication. It's worth a try!


Good luck.

Answer 4

First of all, I would hide the video games. He's 40. Not a teenager anymore.
Tell him it's time to start hauling his own weight in the relationship. You cannot be expected to take care of the entire household and yourself all on your own.
The fact that he accuses you of not doing anything when you clearly do is a cause for counselling alone.
If he refuses councelling, then I suggest picking up and taking yourself and your child to stay with a family member or friend. After living without you for a couple of weeks, he should realise just how much you DO do around the house and he'll want you to come back. If you agree to go back, he has to agree to councelling. If things fall back into their old ways and he goes back to being lazy, then I'd say it's time to seperate for good. Which is sad because it's been 12 years, but sometimes it just has to happen.

Answer 5

I am also married for 12 years, I have four girls. Iam 31 years old.My husband is 35 years old. Our girls is from 15years old to 9month old. I work as a nurse three night a week a 12hrs. shift job on weekend ,so that I can take of my girls weekday. We just bought a house at Riverside county six months ago and My husband has a towing business in Long Beach ca. He only comes home on sunday. I do every for the kids and he never helps. I feel like our love life is not so great anymore. because I dont see his everyday. But I love my children so much and my children loves their daddy so much, I would never leave him . I do tell him that I need more love making and more time with him , he says we have so much bill to pay , he has to work more hours and more days to cover all our living cost. He says he would never cheat on me. He sleep at his mom house in long beach .

Answer 6

I'd say it's time for a marriage counciler.

From your description, it sounds like you and your husband haven't been communicating in a long time. If you're both interested in trying to salvage this relationship, it may be time for some intervention from an unbiased third party.

If you don't want to take that step, you could try having some serious discussions on your own. However, this usually doesn't work out so well as he has his view and you have your view, which is why you're arguing in the first place.

Regardless, you do have problems that need to be resolved. It's up to the both of you to determine whether you want fix the problems or go your seperate ways.

~X~

Answer 7

You work hard and he works hard. You both have different ways of relaxing at the end of the day. You are both exhausted and talking about marital problems when your tired will lead to fights and arguments. Take babysteps in your relationship. Get a babysitter or drop the kids off with family, relax with your husband and do something fun early the next morning. Learn to love yourself and not worry about what he does to relax. Gently express your feelings without accusing him of anything. Love him.Look at your wedding pictures, try to remember why you had children with this guy.

Answer 8

well your husbands clearly taking advantage of you. he loves you, thats for sure, but maybe he's just so secure that he thinks he can do whatever he likes and you'll always be there. try sitting him down someday, while he's free and not playing games or anything. start off by telling him how much you love him and how greatful you are to have such a wonderful husband who works soo much and so hard for his family. then slowly, while he's feeling good, tell him that you 2 have been a bit distant lately and that u miss spending time with him. ask him if he wants to go out for dinner or a movie, just for one night. if he accepts, then good, ull get a chance to have fun, just the 2 of u, no kids. sometimes all it takes is tt, one night. but if he refuses, then calmly tell him how uv been feeling a little nelected lately and how u just hate the way u 2 have been fighting. make sure u maintain ur calm cause he'll either realize how he's been acting lately or blow up. if he does, just keep calm and try to show him tt ur not trying to attack him, but really want to get closer to him.. if none of this works, its really time to get proffessional help, cause i know u dont want to have to resort to seperation or divorce. i really hope things work out for all of u, for the sake of ur children and for ursleves. good luck :)

Answer 9

It sounds like you are at the place in your marriage where he is feeling VERY comfortable. Sometimes when a man thinks he is secure in the relationship, he will take advantage of that. It's immature and selfish, but it is common.

I recommend you sit him down and tell him that you have a number of issues you would like to work out with him. Give him that option of the two of you working together to solve the things that are hurting you. DON'T make a big list of all his flaws - he will only get defensive.

If he refuses to even discuss your concerns, tell him that you think couples counselling should be an option. (Do your research in advance, know whom to call if he agrees.) Be serious about it, don't use it as an idle threat.

Finally, if he refuses all of the above, I suggest you tell him how heart-broken and unhappy you truly are. Tell him you are at the end of your rope and that things are not how you'd envisioned they would be when you stood at that altar. See if there is any emotion in him. If he is not stirred by this, I would say it is over. When he is no longer interested in your happiness, you should walk away. To do anything less would be to strip yourself of dignity.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

I have sooooo been there. What worked for me is the decision I made: I want my life to be happy and without regrets. I want my babies to have a good life. I believe both parents should contribute to the life they have created for themselves.

So when I realized that, and the fact I wasn't going to get that at home....I started ignoring him too. I did the barest of things necessary, making the baby priority one, then myself, after that well, whatever. I also started getting newspapers looking for extra work, and a new place.

You know what happened? He noticed. And he shaped up. My man stopped being such a turd, and started being a lot better.

Try it, if he doesn't notice, what could be worse? Consider rooming with a friend, or relative, split the bills. You'll be in a better place with no arguments. And you'll feel better about the better environment for your baby. After all you don't want your baby to turn out like him, if he stays the same way.

best wishes

Answer 11

I'd say it's stress on both parts. His way of relaxing is to come home and watch tv, play his video games, blah, blah, blah. My advice is to seek marriage couceling. Especially with children. Divorce should be the very last option, if an option at all.