Moochers? How have you handled a husband that goes from one job to the next......?

Question

My husband is never employed for very long at any job. He is the "eternal student" always studying so he can get a "better" job..he supposedly uses the day to study but doesnt study much. At night I see him just watching TV or playing his guitar. We are new to the USA. He says he is battling to find a job in the IT industry.

I question how much effort he really is putting into his job searches. We have now been here 1 year and he has perhaps contributed 2 months worth of work over the whole period. Is this expected for an average person in the USA not to be able to find work, Or has he got some mental illness that he just doesnt really want to work..like a moocher syndrome?

If so, how did you handle the situation if you were married?

Answer 1

I would tell him he has 6 months to shape up, or we are done. In the meantime, save up your money, open a different account in your name and copy all of his paperwork, open up a storage unit and start adding things to it.

Answer 2

I was married for 17 years to someone that would go from job to job to job. He wouldn't even take the time to better himself by going to school, even tho I did. But, my ex also has bi-polar disorder, ADHD, and I think he is also schizophrenic. So, he has many disorders keeping him from doing things. I am back at school again for a different field, but at least I am with someone a lot more stable and reliable than my ex, and my fiance makes enough for me not to work. I can work if I want to, but I don't have to.

If I were you, I would let him know exactly what you want and need in the relationship. Ask yourself some questions first to figure this out, then have a candid talk with him. Some of the questions you might want to ask yourself are: What is it you want from him/the relationship? Do you want someone to bring in enough money for both of you, or do you also want to work and contribute financially? Is he possibly depressed about being away from your home country (this is definitely a possibiltiy, and it can hinder anything he does or wants to do such as look for or getting or keeping a job)? Is he just lazy or really having problems finding a job? Yes, it is hard to find jobs these days in the USA (if that's where you are) and those who have jobs are thankful that they even have one, even if it isn't the best job in the world. What is it I am going to do if he doesn't get the job he needs, get his act together, get help for his depression (if that's his problem)? Will I leave him to try and wake him up? Will I stay and try to work it out? If so, for how long?

These are just some questions to get you started. I am sure you can think of more. If I were you, I would write the answers to all of these questions, and any others you can think of, down and look at them when you are done. Then think about your answers to your own questions and figure out exactly what you want to do. Then make a plan. Example: discuss this with him right away and tell him, calmly wihout judging him, that he has such and such amount of time to get a job and get his act together or you are gone. Or, maybe go to some couples counseling. This does help some people/couples.

This is something I had to do before I left my ex husband. If I didn't do this, then I probably wouldn't have left and stayed gone. Good luck to you!

Answer 3

Well, I've been inthe IT industry for quite a while, and let me tell you, right now it sucks.
My salary hasn't changed in many years and in IT you do have to study all the time to keep up with the rat race. If you're not in this field, you have no idea how much of a pain it is working in this field. If I would have known when I was in college what I know now about this industry I would have picked a different field.
I love programming and stuff like that, but having to compete with half of india and with all the jobs that are being outsourced, while having to keep up with the latest and greatest (just because that's the fad, not because it's any better than what we had 10 yrs ago). It gets to you after a while.
I do have a problem with your bf not working, but there were times when i was unemployed for several months, sent out zillions of resumes and got no responses for months.
The IT field is just not like the other fields. People have no idea how competitive it is.
My wife was looking for work (in a different field) and she tried 3-4 places and was about to give up because it seemed hard. I had to tell her I applied for hundreds of jobs before I got one. Then she sees 1 job in her field, applies and is hired the same day. THAT HAPPENS VERY RARELY IN IT.
Right now I'm in a situation with a job that barely pays enough for us to live on, I've been a programmer for almost 10 years, I've lost most of my hearing, my health is going down the tube and so is my motivation to do anything at work anymore because it just seems like it doesn't matter how hard I try, I'm always underpaid and I can't even afford health insurance. I'm not saying this is THE answer... just wanting you to see things from a different perspective as well.
To the women who say they divorced their husbands because it is hard to support them... I find it interesting that few men would ever say that. My wife has been unemployed for a good part of our marriage. I support her and the kids... why wouldn't some of you support a man if he wanted to be a stay at home dad?
Too hard?... well geez... I've been going to work just about every single day as long as I've been married and it hasn't been easy.

Answer 4

Sorry but sounds to me like he is a lazy man, he does not want to work, tell him that yes in the usa seems that things can be handed to you if you are new here, but in the long run he is going to end up losing you. You sound like a woman who wants a man to work and bring home some bacon. I'd tell him either get a job or move on. You deserve better than that.

Answer 5

sounds like you didn't get to know him very well before you married him. Now you are trying to change him into what you want him to be. Sounds to me like he is an artist of sorts and artists are not known for their ability to develop careers. Sounds like you need to get a job and start to enjoy having a husband at home. If it doesn't work out and you leave him, try and learn something from this. You only think you want a bad boy but you really want a stable nerd type.

Answer 6

you at the instant are not likely to win this one with out being sneaky. tell them to not come over lots and you'd be considered because of the fact the shrew who's keeping them from their son. not solid. you're able to do what my spouse did as quickly as we first have been given married. My mom could seem each and all the time and ultimately my spouse had adequate. She spoke back the door and there substitute into little question she substitute into bare. while my mom asked what substitute into occurring and the place i substitute into my spouse pronounced,"I even have your son tied to the mattress. i'm attempting to make you some grandchildren. are you able to come back back day after today? On 2d thought,make that a pair of days from now." For some reason mom's do not choose to stick around once you're screwing their son blind. as a good distance because of the fact the seem and consume difficulty,you recognize approximately what time they are going to look,precise? be certain you bypass away the abode mutually quarter-hour formerly that. "Oh,you got here with the aid of? Sorry,we had plans with friends of ours." bypass to a action picture,take a walk,despite. in basic terms don't be there while the in rules seem. while they start calling earlier than time in basic terms answer the telephone all out of breath and chortle lots. they are going to think of you're having intercourse and bypass away you on my own.

Answer 7

My full blooded American was this way. Still is to my understanding. Now though he is someone else's problem, I divorced him.
I am not saying you need to divorce him, but obviously this is the way he is. You go find a job (if you do not have one already), take care of the bills and your kids. He can be a stay at home dad and have his wife support him.
Good luck....

Answer 8

when i was young and married to my first husbnad, he couldn't keep a job, contributed little, just when i would get my hopes up that things would change he would loose another job. i loved him but it caused trouble in our marriage, and the more i tried to push him to be a responsible father and husband, the more resentful he got, and he began cheating on me with girls who wouldn't make him work. well the marriage ended many years ago.

Answer 9

well if i were you i would leave him and search for some one that is realible and has a good strong back ground and career in his jod.and that he could love you for the person you are and that dont ask you for much just under standing love and care.that what i were do if i were you.take care.

Answer 10

I divorced him because it got so hard trying to support myself, him, and our daughter by myself. Some people are just lazy and I knew I could not change that.