I need help revising my paragraph.?

Question

If you are going to change something in my paragraph, please tell me what you have changed by notifying me with brackets. For example: He ran [like the wind]. I need to grab the reader's attention and set the scene with details, include sensory details that make the people, places, and events seem real, include at least on simile or metaphor, and use transition words. Thank you. Here's my paragraph:
The school bell rang and I dashed out of the gate. I waited outside of the school for my older sister, Michelle. Ten minutes later, my sister comes to pick me up from her school. She comes to me and asks,"Are you ready to go?" I replied,"Yes." Our feet were off campus and we walked across the street.
As minutes passed by, we almost reached our destination when my sister and I noticed a big black dog with its cherry beady eyes glaring back at us. We both stop quickly at the same time when I ask my sister,"What do we do now? The dog is blocking our only way to get in.

inside our house." She whispers to me very quietly,"Maybe we should go to my friend's house and just wait until the dog is gone." The dog stands up and stares at us again. We start walking to my sister's friend's house very slowly when the dog starts barking loudly. We speed up our pace and the dog starts chasing us.
We ran for about three miutes as fast as we could when we went past a curb. THe dog stops and turns back slowly still looking at us. We slow down and look back to make sure it isn't following our every move.
My sister and I finally reached her friend's house. We both just sat there and hung out. When it was five o' clock, my dad came to pick us up and go home. It was a crazy day.

Answer 1

Number one problem right off the bat: you are shifting tenses. You dashed and you waited, as in past tense. Then your sister "comes" to you in present tense. Make it all the same.

(dashed out of the gate)...why were you in such a hurry? (I dashed out of the gate, nearly dropping my books, and hoped I would make it to the sidewalk in time. If I was late, my sister would bail, and I'd end up walking home alone) or something like that.

Get rid of the (I waited for ten minutes) that's like saying, "nothing happened for ten minutes". Use that time to explain who Michelle is. (I hit the sidewalk at precisely 3:02, gasping for breath and flushed in my face -- but at least I was there. My older sister, Michelle, was just coming down in the street. Her school was three blocks away, which was the only reason I got to meet her at this spot.)

get rid of (as minutes passed by) again, that's saying, as nothing happened for a while. (we made our usual trek back home, through the park, down the alley by the post office, and onto Beale Street.) Use every line to give your reader more information.

(a big black dog with cherry beady eyes staring back at us.) overall, not bad. but where is this dog? is it behind a fence. right in front of you? how close? do you have time to run away?
(a big black dog with cherry beady eyes had come onto Beale Street, right onto the street where we were walking, and was standing right in front of us. he growled and started edging closer.)

details add to the picture, make it easier for people to see.

(we both stopped quickly when I asked my sister..) too much going on in that sentence. break it up. (we both stopped abruptly, staring back at the dog. he was directly in our path, and behind us was nothing but brick. I whispered to Michelle, "what do we do now? he's blocking our only way in.")

(Michelle paused to think, careful not to make any sudden noises. We reached for each other's arms, and slowly huddled together. "What if we go to Claire's house?" Michelle offered. It's not too far away. I think we could make it.")

again, get rid of the (we ran for about three minutes). not very descriptive. (we ran fast as lightning, swerving our way down Beale Street, the buildings around us nothing but a blur. we could hear the dog running behind us, barking and snapping. I'd never seen Michelle run so fast.)

and lastly, change (we just sat there and hung out) try something like (we made it to Claire's house safely, and we bombarded her door with frightful poundings. Claire let us in and listened to our story, which we must have told her a dozen times over. We were so scared we didn't want to walk back home. So we spent an hour on Claire's couch, retelling the horror of the vicious dog of Beale Street, until our dad came and fetched us at 5:00)

how's that?

Answer 2

[Brrrrring. I dashed out of the gate.] I waited outside of the school for my [17-year-old sister], Michelle. Ten minutes later, my sister comes to pick me up from her school. She comes to me and asks,"Are you ready to go?" I replied,"Yes." Our feet were off campus and we walked across the street.
As minutes passed by, we almost reached our destination when my sister and I noticed a big black dog with its [eyes as red as a cherry] glaring back at us. We both stop quickly at the same time when I ask my sister,"What do we do now? The dog is blocking our only way to get inside our house." She whispers to me very quietly,"Maybe we should go to my friend's house and just wait until the dog is gone." The dog stands up and stares at us again. We start walking to my sister's friend's house very slowly when the dog starts barking loudly. We speed up our pace and the dog starts chasing us.
We ran for about three miutes as fast as we could when we went past a curb. THe dog stops and turns back slowly[,] still looking at us. We slow down and look back to make sure it isn't following our every move.
My sister and I finally reached her friend's house. We both just sat there and hung out. [After what seemed like a decade], my dad came to pick us up and go home. It was a crazy day.


Sorry not much. I might of actually made it worse. I also couldn't help but putting editing in there as well. Hope this helps, but please do not copy this exactly. I don't want you to cheat!!!

Answer 3

The school bell rang and I dashed out of the gate and waited outside for my older sister, Michelle. Ten minutes later, she comes to pick me up..Seeing me, she asks, "Are you ready to go?" I nod in reply." We walk quickly through the rustling leaves that cover the sidewalk, and cross to the opposite side of the street. After a few minutes, we have almost reached our destination when we notice a big, black dog with beady eyes glaring at us and blocking our path. We stop quickly and look at each other. I whisper, "What do we do now?"

I think if you compare the two paragraphs, you'll see what I changed and why. Good luck.
.

Answer 4

[It was a mild fall day as I looked out the slightly dirty windows into the parking lot hoping that my sister would arrive on time to pick me up from school.] I watched as the second hand on the nearby clocked slowly clicked closer and closer to the minute hand. Each second seemed like an eternity, but finally the school bell rang and I quickly darted out of the gate and to the front of the school. I looked around hoping to see my sister, but she was nowhere to be found. After 10 minutes my sister, Michelle, arrived to pick me up from school.

"Are you ready to go?" she asked.
"Well, of course I'm ready!" I replied sarcastically.
"I have been waiting for at least ten minutes!" I stated

Our feet were off that campus and across the street as quickly as we could possibly move. We were about to reach our destination when we noticed a large black dog. Its beady bloodshot eyes was glaring right at us. We both came to a quick halt simultaneously.

"What do we do now sis? The dog is blocking our only entrance into the house!" I said with my voice slightly trembling with fear.


I realize that I changed things around a bit and that it is not perfect, but hey, i tried. I don't have everything in brackets because i sort of flipped things around quite a bit. Hope this helps you out. Happy Holidays

Answer 5

The school bell rang and I dashed out of the gate. I waited [there] for my older sister, Michelle. Ten minutes later, [she] [came] to pick me up from her school. She [came] [over] to me and [asked],"Are you ready to go?" [new paragraph starts here] I replied,"Yes." Our feet were off campus and we walked across the street. [new paragraph] As [the] minutes passed by, we [take out "almost reached our destination when my sister and I noticed" and put in "came across"] a big black dog with [take out "its"] cherry beady eyes glaring back at us. We both stop quickly at the same time[.] [take out "when"] I ask[ed] my sister,"What do we do now? The dog is blocking our only way [take out "to get"] in.["]

Answer 6

[At such and such a time] The school bell rang and I dashed out of the gate. I waited [impatiently or calmly or however it was that you waited] outside of the school for my older sister, Michelle. [it was rainy, sunny, crowded; discribe your surroundings] Ten minutes later, [she arrived from her school to pick me up]. "Are you ready to go?" [she asked, walking up to me; whatever she did as she asked] I replied,"Yes." [we started off and in however many minutes] Our feet were off campus and we [were crossing]the street. [describe the street, the buildings there, the number of people, etc.]
[After a few minutes] we had almost reached our destination when my sister and I [found ourselves face to face with] a big black dog. It's cherry beady eyes glared back at us. [it was standing right in the middle of the sidewalk, or the road, or wherever it was standing] [the fur on it's back bristled and its teeth showed as it snarled, low in its throat] We both stop[ed; again, keep it all in the same tense] at the same [moment] "What do we do now?" [I whispered to my sister] "The dog is blocking our only way to get in."

Hope that helps!!

Answer 7

The school bell [clanged] and I dashed out of the gate [like I was running a race]. As I waited outside for my older sister, Michelle, [I watched as *leaves fell from the trees OR snow piled up... which ever season you want it to be* and smelled the *smoke smell of burning leaves (fall) OR fireplaces burning in the nearby homes (winter), and finally] my sister [arrived]. "Are you ready to go?" [she hollered from the corner, waving. "Yeah, 'Chelle!" I said, running up to her.] As our feet [hit the dark pavement of the street,] we were off campus [and free from school for the week.]

As we walked up to the gate [of whatever your destination is--you need to include it!], we] noticed a big black dog with [-removed cherry] beady eyes [glaring at us, teeth bared.] We both stopped quickly[. "What do we do now, 'Chelle? How are we supposed to get in? That dog is blocking the gate!" I whispered, afraid to draw more attention to us].

Answer 8

At the end where you say, it was a "crazy" day, dont say crazy, it seems too.........unprofessional...it is a "dead" word, as my 8th grade english teacher put it (2001). You should say, use berserk, erratic, or bizarre...a more advanced word...u know what i mean?