I'll make it short...Married more than 2yrs. Separated since June 2006, found out he's been cheating on me all along...He came back September and wanted to work things out..I gave him another chance (because of our child), but found out he was still unfaithful (found out his cellphone code)...We had a big fight so he left. It has been 2mths since we had any communication... slowly picking up the pieces, went back to school and working to support us (hoping by nextyear, I'll have enough money to file for divorce). Today he called and left a message saying he wanted to speak to our child (only 20mths old)...I know he has the right...but my feeling is, he's a father only when its convinient..(BTW, he's not paying child support because he quit his job and went back to school)...I don't wan'na talk to him right now, I know I will fall apart...This is driving me nuts right now..... any advice?
2006-11-25 15:06:22 · 15 answers · asked by R 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Do nothing. He really isn't likely to make waves, because then you can give him grief about support. He probably just wants you back. Stop putting it off- file for divorce Monday. Even if you need to sell blood, or live in your car. File, so you can get rid of the cheater. Then, you can move far from jerk boy.
2006-11-25 15:16:27 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Oh, Hon. The decisions one has to make in life is just not easy sometimes. This is one of those times.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Here you are, trying to move on with your life after the betrayal of someone you love. Someone who was supposed to love you. There are no words for that kind of pain. I often equate it to an atomic bomb being set off in your heart, destroying so much of you.
You do need time to recover, time to deal with the pain and to heal. Seeing him does not help you do that. Seeing him only brings up the ‘what ifs’ and the ‘if onlys’. Seeing him is like seeing your dream of a family with the father of your child go up in smoke. That is a lot of pain.
You don't deserve that kind of pain. You are a mother trying to raise her child without any real help from your child's father and you are also going to school so that you can give your child a better life. That is LOVE. I can tell that you love your baby very much. You are not a 'When the mood strikes me' kind of mom.
I think what is really going on is that you are afraid that he is using your child to get to you. That your child will only be hurt in the process. You are afraid that he will string your child along as long as it suits him, then he will do to your child what he did to you, break his/her heart.
I can understand that fear. You do have to do what is right for your baby. If seeing your child's father is not what you can do right now because the wounds are too fresh, then don't see him. You are the one there for your child. You are the one providing for him. You have a very full plate. If your ex is going to cause that plate to tip over, then stay away from him for a while. You see, you can't be there for your baby if you are falling apart.
I am not saying never let your child see his/her father, I am just saying wait until you are strong enough to do it without falling apart. You are the steady in your child's life. He cannot lose his steady. If you are not there, his part-time father could make a mess of his life.
If you have a friend or family member who could supervise the visits between your child and his/her father, then give it a try. The best thing for your baby is to have two responsible parents in his/her life. Two healthy parents who truly cares for him/her. If your husband cannot give your child a healthy father who will not just parent when it is convenient, but who will be there for your baby the way a real parent is supposed to be there, then it is better to wait until he is ready to become a real parent.
I say give it a little time, and then let him see your baby. Make sure he makes a commitment and keep it as far as visits are concern. He may not be working, but he should find a way to bring by milk, or diapers, etc every so often. It is what parents do. It is called being a grown up. A real parent would not quit his job to go to school full time if he has a child that needs to be supported. You are a real mom. He could learn a few lessons from you. I wish you the best and God bless.
2006-11-25 16:39:30 · answer #2 · answered by ME 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's simple, the two of you get together while another person is babysitting your son - somewhere else - and you work out a custody plan. Then you both sign it and stick with it. Then you agree never, ever, to badmouth each other in front of your child, you shake hands and go your merry ways. If he wants to be involved in his child's life, then you have an obligation to allow him to do so - you can't deny him his child. BUT he has to follow the rules, show up when he says he will, care for the child to a high standard, and never badmouth you.
All you have to do is act like adults and get along for the sake of your child, who has a right to have both his parents in his life.
But you do not have to put up with an adulterous husband. Leave him to his own devices, but put your child first. It isn't the child's fault that its father is unfaithful and immature.
2006-11-25 16:21:29 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First thing is pray!
Second thing is you must be the bigger person for your child's sake, because you seem to be the only positive roll model for this child. Never deny him to see his child because the child will resent you, he hurt you not the child. But as far as him wanting to talk with the child that is okay too, let the child here his voice. But you need to not get involved in there relationship. The only thing that he needs to know is that he can see his child but if must be on your time when it is proper. (saturday afternoons) As soon as he wants to talk about you and him, the visit is over. Even he is not paying child support let the child see him, he just has less rights to make the decissions in the childs life. But the child wants two parents.
you will get through this.
2006-11-25 15:16:24 · answer #4 · answered by ronnell1972 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
be very carefull on denying him contact with the child, even though it seems like the right thing to do. It can come back and haunt you. Let him dig his own hole, and try to rise above your emotions to answer the question of what is going to be best for you, and your child. His second chance was not taking seriously by him, so don't fall for giving him a 3rd.
2006-11-25 15:15:21 · answer #5 · answered by ckgene 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
On the child support: take it to the state division of child support, if you live in the US. They will bill him for child support whether or not he is working or going to school.
On the divorce money: In most parts of the US, (I'm assuming you live here) you can get the fees deferred or waived so you don't have to wait to save up for it.
On the phone call: Just don't answer. If he wants visitation, you can set up supervised visits where you don't have to see him. :)
2006-11-26 01:28:21 · answer #6 · answered by kristalshyt 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't even consider getting back with him unless you know he won't cheat on you anymore Which is impossible for someone like him. I would think of the child. Do not deny the child the presence of the father. at least allow visitation rights. Move on with your life. you don't need someone like him ruining your life. You can do much better than him.
2006-11-25 15:27:42 · answer #7 · answered by Adrian R 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
u are doing good things with your life, and thats key.... however, you are so lucky that your childs father wants to be there. honestly, my ex is a total loser, but my daughter loves him, and i would never stop her from talking/seeing him. we have to be the adults, and set the healthy examples
2006-11-25 15:11:28 · answer #8 · answered by *never give up* 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
why don't you do what every other woman in the country does? Leave him. Don't worry, your own happiness is all that matters. Don't worry about your son. He'll probably end up a delinquent but your own happiness supersedes that. Be a good mother and take him away from his biological father. Make sure you lie to your son though so he knows that his father wanted to be involved but you were so disingenuous that you only wanted child support, not a guide for your boy. Oh, I forgot. Men are shaped by their mothers, not their fathers. Uh huh.
2006-11-25 15:17:19 · answer #9 · answered by oythebumbler 1 · 1⤊ 5⤋
Don't talk with him and stay away from him.Find someone that will be faithful to you and that will care about you and your child.
2006-11-25 15:22:50 · answer #10 · answered by In the Kitchen with Dinah 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋