What would you do?

Question

My ex and I have been separated since February and I have been trying to get him to file the papers ever since. Well he keeps finding a reason to push it back. He wants to do the holidays this year as a family, and we did spend Thanksgiving Dinner together. We were only together for like 2 hours that day. Now he wants to spend the entire day of Christmas together! My parents don't want him at their house on Christmas, and I told him that we could be together for the kids to open their presents, then me and the kids would spend Christmas dinner with my parents..and then he could have the kids in the evening. Well he thinks that I should tell my parents that if he can't come, then I am not coming. But we are getting divorced, so what would you do?

The reason I haven't filed the papers is because I can't afford to do it. We are doing the divorce uncontested and he has already paid the attorney fee. If he hasn't filed by the time I get some money saved, then I will do it myself.

Answer 1

You are being very fair...be together when the kids open gifts, go to your parents, then he can have the kids in the evening to be with his family. I don't think he can expect any more than that given you're about to be divorced

Answer 2

I would take the initiative and file the papers and not wait for him. If you've decided to divorce, then there's no reason not to move forward. It's clear that he won't and is looking for every opportunity to delay the filing. This isn't good for you, your kids or him.

The holidays are difficult enough. There's no reason for you to spend the holidays together. A schedule needs to be worked out that's in the best interest of your kids; they shouldn't be put in the position of having to figure out what exactly is going on between their parents. You should have the morning with your kids and parents, then drop them off at his folks place. Let them spend the night, then get them the next afternoon.

He doesn't have any input on how you spend your holidays. You are getting divorced. He can either go with a plan that is good for your kids, or he can spend the day alone with his folks.

More importantly, don't wait for him to file. You need to file for divorce so everyone can move on.

Answer 3

It doesn't sound as though he's convinced you're getting a divorce. And it seems as though it would be more confusing for the kids to have the family spend the holidays together knowing their parents are getting a divorce. It would seem they would only get their hopes up for the two of you to stay together.
If you are getting a divorce there will be future holidays and the longer he puts off excepting the divorce the harder it's going to be for him.
I would tell him it's time to put in for the divorce and stick to my guns. You're main concern has to be for your kids and yourself not your soon to be ex that refuses to deal with reality.
You don't have to mean about it but just take the honest approach and say what you mean but mean what you say.
Good luck.

Answer 4

It sounds like neither one of you wants the divorce enough to go through with it. If that's the case, it would be a shame to get divorced just because you're too proud to admit it was a mistake.

He obviously wants to spend time with you, and you are not exactly complaining about it. If you disconnect the parent thing, and explore exactly how both of you feel, maybe this will reverse itself, and you can resolve your differences.

If I'm reading this wrong, sorry, but that's how it sounds from here.

Marriage is too important to just throw away like old socks.

If you're parents have an earful about this, I would suggest taking some time away from them to clear your thoughts and decide what it is you want for yourself and your family. Parents are infamous for having a little bit of information and trying to make big decisions with little or no facts. It's really easy to push someone into a decison when it has little or no direct effect on them.

Good luck. Marriage is important. Don't take this lightly.

Answer 5

Kids are the most important thing in divorce. So often the parents get caught up in it all and forget that the kids have feelings about it too. If they want X-mas with their father, try to work it out like you mentioned. Overall it sounds like he is not ready to let the marriage go yet. Might there be something worth fighting for?

Answer 6

Well knowing the "ex" party personally, I must say that he is very controlling and he is trying to hold onto the other with everything he has. He is trying to use the kids as pawns to always be around her. He wants them to stay on the fence. It would suck to be a kid and contstantly be asked who they want to live with. It might hurt a child to have to spend thanksgiving or xmas with each parent sepratly, but they will eventually understand why if they are contstantly told the truth and nurtured by both parents instead of just one during the separation. I would take my kids to my familys on Xmas, and let him take them to his parents when he has them. They cant be in two places at once.

Answer 7

tell him that if the reason he wants to see u on christmas is for the kids to do it later that evening or not at all. He must respect ur parents wishes. however if u lied about the breakup or made him out to be the bad guy and he wasn't u will pay in the end with the kids

Answer 8

Do Christmas the way you planned it. If he can't handle that then tell him he won't see the kids at all until his visitation rights kick in after the divorce is final. It's time for you to start taking control of you and your kids lives. In the mean time I hope he's paying child support.

Answer 9

Sounds like a control freak to me. You are going to have to be strong & firm. File for divorce yourself. Serve him with papers ASAP. Say to him. "You moved out on me remember?" Tell him we are getting divorced. We are no longer a family. We are seperated. Stop the front for the kids sake. It confuses them & makes them think you are trying to get back together. Tell your parents you will be there without him. Tell him to go to his parents or go to his place but he's not going with you & don't show up at my parents place uninvited either. If he wants to be around on Christmas he can come before you go to your parents. Stand up for yourself & your kids. Good Luck.

Answer 10

I would do whatever I wanted to do. Not what he wanted nor what my parents wanted. You are about to embark on a life that will require you to be making decisions alone. Now is a good time to begin. Besides, it's not always the best thing to be together for the children. They are wise to the problems and sometimes are at peace with parents apart. I wish you all the best.