What do you do when you find out that your 14 year old son is sexually active?

Question

I am always open and honest with my son. My husband, my self and my son's dad always keep lines of communication open. I never expected that he would come to me when he was ready for sex, since I am his mom, but i definetly thought that he would be comfortablediscussing it with his dad or step dad. I am so dissapointed. I am awlays spending time with my children and my son is really a god teen. No drugs, no hanging out in the streets, no gangs, etc. I was aware that many girls liked him becuase he speaks with me about the different friendships that he had. I found out that he had sex becuase my sister in law overheard one of his conversations with my nephew. When I approached him he was honest and said yes he did it and he was afraid to tell me. It happened at her house one day after a 1/2 day of school. Her parents were at work and the rest is history. I dont want to encourage it but I dont want him dead from a STD or getting some one pregnant. He says he wont do it again? HELP!

Answer 1

I would sit down and just make sure he understand how to protect himself, and how to prevent such things from happening again..

Explain to him that its not okay to just give into urges because he can. The real measure of a good man is somoene who loves a girl, and himself, enough to wait until the time is right. Such as when theyre older, or married even.

It might be a good idea to have him talk with his dad, or step dad if he's comfortable enough, about how to properly use a condom. And have him understand just exactly what the risk is of catching an STD.

Study it out online, you'll find a TON of information about the risks of contracting an STD. and how many people dont even know they have one, even for years.

Be reasonable with him. You cant MAKE him do things anymore, but you can help him reason more like an adult, and not a hormone driven teen. Just because sex feels like a good idea doesnt mean it is. And from now on make sure hes well monitored and doesnt have as much opportunity to practice procreation.

Answer 2

Ouch! This is truly a difficult question. If you trust your sons word than as you said the rest is history. However he was probably just curious and he did respond truthfully when asked. Did you set any guidelines for this type of thing? If so then penalties must apply if he broke the rules. However is there where no guidelines but rather an unspoken agreement then take him at his word. Monitor him more closely than normal but don’t crowd him as he will resent that. Also if he asked you to do something like protect the girls privacy from other members of the family or even the girls family try and accommodate him. This is tricky moral ground but an appal with your son in this rather touchy time will help. Lay down some serious rules and encourage him to come to you or whichever family member he feels most comfortable with. All in all it is up to you about how you handle this. Bare in mind that being to heavy handed may make him attempt to do it again and too light handed and he may experiment again. He probably knows the levity of the situation so don’t continue to get angry at him as he is probably feeling very guilty. The damage is done and can never be fixed but try and work with him and all concerned to minimise this damage.
Hope it Helps
Joel, 14

Answer 3

I would confront him, but don't make it seem like an attack. If he's sexually active, there's little you can say to make him stop, so just give him the facts on STDs and safe sex and why it's better to wait, and let him know he can come to you with any questions or problems. On the up side, I constantly have some 13-14 year old boys hanging out in my home talking openly about EVERYTHING because I'm the cool mom and they think their conversations don't make me want to crawl under a rock and die. They had a whole conversation about how they whack off with condoms so their mom's don't find out. Could be that's all he's doing as well.

Answer 4

I don't think many people actually go to their parents and tell them that they're about to launch an active sex life. Don't be hurt because you weren't told, it isn't a reflection on you. (What would you have done if you had been told?) Would you have made that kind of announcement in your youth? What would your folks have said if you had?

You are right that the rest is history. He may say that he won't do it again. That's good intentions speaking, but not necessarily what will happen. Unless their initial experiences are traumatic, people who've started having sex keep having sex. Terror and punishment only raise further barriers between the teen and parent.

Conversation between you and your son should be about the technical points of protecting himself and his partners from STDs and his partners from pregnancy. Don't let him leave this discussion until he's given all the right answers about this topic. It's unrealistic to make him promise not to have sex again until he's married, but it is right and proper to make him promise to have sex, since he's going to have it, in a responsible manner. Keep a good supply of condoms where he can get them. They are too expensive an item to come out of a teen's pocket money, and he should have every incentive to use them consistently and properly.

If it's any comfort, his early experience is not likely to do him any harm. There is a lot of hysteria about how sex harms teens, but the fact is that throughout most of history, people have not been putting off erotic satisfaction until age 21 or marriage. My paternal grandmother had her first child at fourteen, in the sanctity of the early wedlock that was ordinary in her day. The issue of teen sex is scary now because of the dire economic effects on girls who get pregnant and a political climate that closes off safe, sane pregnancy-termination options, and that's something to discuss with your son: at this point, the issue is not whether he's going to have sex, but whether he's going to see that nobody gets pregnant. Good luck and strong nerves to you as you approach this delicate issue!

Answer 5

Well saying he wont do it again is not for sure that he wont without telling you.. Just encourage him what consequences are and if he wants to have sex that its very wise for him to use a condom and if it was your choice you wouldn't recommend it right now.... Also be sure to let him know its happend and you cant take what he did back but have dad or step dad have a talk with him might make him feel more comfortable

Answer 6

First of all, do not believe for a second that he will not do it again, that was a lie. But, the more information that he has about sex, about the risks and dangers, the less likely he is to do it again. It may be a good idea to keep sex a topic of discussion in your home for a little while longer. It may be better to have a male talk to him, the female perpsective is important and he should definately hear it especially when talking about male/female relationships. Make him sick of hearing it and he will be less likely to put himself in a situation where he would have to talk to you or dad about sex again. Go get him.

Answer 7

Well, I've read all the answers so far and agree that your husband as well as the boy's father BOTH need to talk to him. AND I have yet to see anything mentioned about the LEGAL issues concerning sexual activity these days.

There is a new law on the books that ALL of you concerned need to know about if you live in the USA:

http://www.fbi.gov/hq/cid/cac/registry.htm

Some other countries have a law like this, too.

I'm NOT trying to scare you...just educate you. However, I've even seen articles on the net that claim that minors can even be affected adversely by this law. Just a cautionary warning in case he gets some girl pregnant.

In addition, you need to educate yourselves and your son on STDs. Especially the ones that can still be transmitted even though a condom is used like HPV:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_Papilloma_Virus

Do some research on the web on how to handle teen sexuality, educate yourselves about ALL the possible STDs and also the legal ramifications of an unwanted pregnancy.

KNOWLEDGE is POWER for YOU as well as your SON. Stress this to him in a gentle but firm manner.

GOOD LUCK!!!!! You NEED all of it you can get .....in addition to the massive education you will need in your arsenal. ;)

Answer 8

Well teen sex is inevitable in most cases. You as the mom should feel proud and gracious that he told you the truth. Of course he is going to be scared to tell you... You can never make him stop having sex. He will find a way around all of your punishments. He may say he wont do it again but most likely he will. My advice to you is to go to him, tell him you are a little dissapointed, and tell him if he is going to do it please use condoms.

Answer 9

Well mom, sounds like your in total shock!! Just sit him down and explain to him the dangers and risk of being sexually active...Make sure you buy him some condoms, that wont be encouraging it, it'll just make him safe...It'll make you feel much better too..Also, make sure you tell him to use a condom everytime he has sex...so he wont get infected with STD'S, or get anyone pregnant...Best Of Wishes To You And Your Son..!!

Answer 10

FIRST OR ALL.. IT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE IT BUT DON'T FEEL BAD YOU HAD NO IDEA HE WAS GOING TO A GIRLS HOUSE WITH NO ADULTS CUS OF COURSE HE WOULD HAVE LIED... AND YOU DON'T KNOW IF HE WILL DO IT AGAIN SO TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO ENCOURAGE IT BUT GO AHEAD AND BUY HIM SOME CONDOMS AND TELL HIM ABOUT SEX... HE NEEDS TO KNOW AND NO HE IS NOT TO YOUNG. JUST REMEMBER HE IS GOING TO DO IF HE WANTS TOO AND YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR EYES ON HIM ALL THE TIME SO BUY HIM SOME AND MAYBE HE WILL BE MATURE ENOUGH TO USE THEM... GOOD LUCK