What do I do?

Question

I am engaged to the father of one of my three children. I just was divorced from the father of my other two children. I have noticed lately that my fiance is mentally abusive. He degrades my oldest two and myself but denies it when I bring it up to him. He opened his house to my two from the previous marriage and now makes me feel that I owe him to marry him. I do love him and would love to spend the rest of my life with him. My oldest children love him to and tell me they can't wait until we get married but when he's around, my oldest cowers from him like he is going to hurt her some how. I know that this should be an easy answer to a complex problem but I need some imput. He has never laid a hand on me physically but he is so hurtful in his words. I don't know how much more I can take. But I have nowhere to go. If anyone has any helpful ideas, Please, please help me out with this. I fear my love for him is clouding my judgment on this.

Answer 1

Honey, you need to leave that man! I understand that he has helped you out in so many ways. I also understand that you love him. But, how can he truly love you if he talk to you and your kids the way he do? He might do have some love for you since you are the mother of his child, but is he in love with you? Don't let NO man come before you or your children. It don't matter if he is their father or not. I know that he may not be physically abusive to you, but being mentally abusive is just as bad. You can go to a shelter and also let the government help you get a place to stay until you get on your feet. Maybe you can contact some relatives and see if they can help. You don't have to be ashamed and you don't have to put up with him. You owe him nothing because you have a child for him, and he should be glad to let ALL of you stay into his home. I see that you said that you would love to spend the rest of your life with him. Do you think that you could sit down and talk to him and let him know how you feel? You guys need to talk alone and then with your children. You already know how big a step such as marriage is. You need to be sure that you and your kids will be happy with this marriage. So actually, I can't tell you whether to stay or go, neither can anyone else. But, if you are able to talk to this guy and he change his ways, stay with him. If he can't change, you already know what you gotta do.

Answer 2

You would even consider marrying a man when your oldest daughter cowers from him??? You'd better call a homeless shelter because you'd be far better off there than with an abuser. Your children should come first right now. If your daughter cowers from him, perhaps he has already hurt her. Can the father of the other two children take custody of them? If you decide to marry this abuser, then the other two children should not live with you because they did nothing to deserve such treatment. You don't love this man, you are lonely and afraid. He obviously does not love you or he wouldn't treat you the way he does. I don't believe for a minute that the oldest two love him and can't wait for the marriage. They are afraid to tell the truth because you'll probably tell him. I'm going to pray that you make the right decision and leave him. If you are at all friendly with your ex, then ask him for help. Please don't be stupid and blame it on love.

Answer 3

Sometimes verbal abuse could be worst than physical abuse. You should probably put off the wedding for right now. I have a child from a previous marriage and I'll be damn if my husband ever puts any type of fear onto my child. Your children comes first, please don't let this man treat you and your child this way. You need to be treated with respect and your children should be showered with love. You may feel stuck because like you said you have no where to go and I'm sorry to hear that. That is why I believe woman should be independent with or without a man. Do you have a job? If you do, please start saving that money- without him knowing. If you don't have a job, please try to go out and get one. You never know how bad your situation may get and you will at that point have to leave. There is no better feeling than to know that you don't need to rely on a man to survive. Your well being is far more important than some man. Wish you all the best.

Answer 4

You need to sit down with your kids and ask how they really fell about him when you aren't around. Does he talk down to your kids et. But in my opinion your childrens health and happiness should be way more important. Mentally abusive is just as bad as laying a hand on someone. Being that i was raised in a mentally abusive household i know first hand that it can leave a child with lasting mental anguish and maybe years of thearpy. Get two jobs and get out as soon as you can. faster the better. good luck

Answer 5

Honey your love is clouding your judgment on this one. Ask him if he will go to counseling with you, if he says no you go anyway. Mental abuse is just as bad as physical and sometimes is the precursor for physical abuse. Your oldest is a girl, be careful, there are a lot of creeps out there that seem like ordinary guys. maybe she has a reason for cowering that you are unaware of......I'd say get out of there as soon as you can, someway, family, welfare, somehow. It's not healthy for you and it's not showing your kids a proper role model, and believe me they learn what they live........God Speed

Answer 6

Yes it sounds like love is clouding your judgement. Doesn't it always to all of us? If he is acting this way before marriage how awful will he be after it? You could go to a woman's shelter with your children. THey will help you from there. I know it is hard but you have to do what is best for the children and yourself. Don't take his crap, you are worth more than that. Pray to God for strength and guidance. Lean on him and you will have the strength to do what you need to do.

Answer 7

Personally I would like an example of this supposed mental abuse. My X tried to pull that fast one on me but when the judge asked her to give examples, it ended up she thought I was mentally abusing her because I didn't agree with every little thing she said. The judge was outraged! So was I but since I am a man, I can't show discust, or it will again be misconstrude as "mental abuse"! So, what did he do?

Answer 8

Emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, & this is a serious problem if your children show different behavior around him & you yourself admit he is also emotionally abusive to you. This is not acceptable behavior, & if you have tried to talk to him before but he denies it, you have to make the decision whether or not you want you & your children to be around this kind of abusive behavior, & I hope you will get out of that situation because the longer you stay in it the worse it could be. Loving someone is not an excuse to endure abuse. Is it worth it to stick around with someone like that because you say you love him? Certainly not. Please think of your children - you can't put them in that kind of negative situation. Usually our instincts are right - even when we sometimes don't want to believe them. Trust your instincts if they are telling you this is an unhealthy way to live, because to me it sounds like it is.

Answer 9

well i dont know how you feel, but i do believe that mental abuse is lots worse than physical. so if he is this bad now how is it going to be once you are married. the mental abuse can ruin you daughter for life, she will soon begin to believe everything he tells her, he either needs to get help. or you not marry him.i'm sure there is some place you can live or get help. think of your kids.

Answer 10

Go to social services and apply for subsidized housing. Get on food stamps, if you qualify, subsidized daycare, and state health insurance. Make a plan to live independently.

Your child is afraid. It is time to go. Not saying don't date him, just find a separate residence.

Your man is about to become a nightmare you don't wake up from. He's still being polite. Get out.