how should i handle this situation?

Question

I met someone after a very bad breakup with my husband of 25 years, the new person is in the same situation as he is divorcing (end ) of 25 years also.We had been connected and gone out for the past month and sometimes it seems like he has excuses when we set up times to go out more than once a week. We talk everyday 2-3 x a day but go out once a week,I want more but he seems to get close and then backs away. Ive been out of my situation for over a year- hes been out of his for 9 months. Hes a little older than me,and i do like him but my patience is thin. I had a hard time opening up to anyone and i did with him, but maybe im making too much of this? I just want someone who wants to be with me and do a lot of things together and see often, ect. He says ask him anything and he will answer hes just very busy (owns his own company) and that i need to be a little flexible. How do i keep from taking everything to heart or am i right in how im feeling?

Answer 1

You need to give him more time. You may have recovered from your divorce but he may need extra time and space to do so. Your feelings are not wrong, however you need to give him a little more understanding when it comes to him commiting to you. Maybe he's scared of getting too close too soon so I would advise for you to be a little more patient.

Answer 2

most of the replies are telling you to give this chap time for him to find his way after his break-up. Well I feel that reallistically you also need to give yourself more time to find out just who you are on your own before getting too involved again.
you are really not that long out of a 25 yr marriage where you would have been constantly giving consideration to your husband & children - if there are any .
take some time to think about just exactly what is going ot be the BEST thing for YOU.
It is easy to be swayed by the attentions & flattery of a new male in your life if you had felt neglected & unappreciated during your marriage.
if as you say you are talking 2/3 times daily then that is pretty full on; step back from that for a start & make it no more than once a day - maybe even every other day - give him a chance to miss your voice/company & find some other interests for yourself.
as others have said also - just because you feel ready to move forward after a year he may not be -
I have watched others get "seriously" involved in new relationships too soon after a separation & in doing so make very poor choices that then leads to further grief for them.
Do enjoy his company when the opportunity is there - BUT if you fell that you need more than he can offer at this point than it would really be kinder to both of you for you to let him go.
Also have you spoken to a counsellor at all since your marriage break-up to help you define just what your needs; strengths; weaknesses are?
Stop & think about these things & keep in mind that coming across as ''too needy'' will often turn prospective partners away.

feel free to email me if you wish to 'chat'

Answer 3

It is important to remember that divorce is sometimes like death. There is a grieving process that has to take place in order for us to move forward. If you were widowed and so was he, do you think you would be in such a hurry to move into a new relationship after a year or less? Most people wouldn't. A lot of studies on remarriage and dating after divorce show that there is a high likelihood of subsequent divorces. One of the big factors is how much time passed between unions. Usually those marriages that took place less than 5 years after the first have the highest likelihood of divorce.
Take your time, get to know who you are without a partner to define you. This will make you happier in the long run, regardless of your status, be it married dating or single. I wish you luck.

Answer 4

A 25 year marriage is big thing...he won't get over it immediately. Give him some time & space. If your patience is so thin that you feel you can't wait any longer, consider seeing other men, too. Just make sure to let him know up front. There's no rush to get into another committed, serious relationship. Enjoy your single life! Live it up. It's been a long time since you had this kind of freedom available
:-)

Answer 5

Since he is also on the rebound he may think that you are being "needy" and that is scaring him off which is the reason for him suggesting you need to be "flexible". He doesn't want to become responsible for your happiness. Although, you both come from similar backgrounds you each need to develop individually. 25 years is a long part of your life to give up and be on the move again with another relationship. Slow it down. Let him take the lead. He may not be healing emotionally as quickly as you may feel you are. Back off. People make time for the things that are important to them. Stop talking with him so much everyday. It leaves little reason for you to see each other.

Answer 6

Wow 25 years of hurt can take along time to heal. It sounds like you have alot in common. If it is meant to be it will work out, but with both of you having 25 years each of past hurts and memories you have a combination of 50 years to deal with...lol It sounds like you want more than he does right now, patience is a virtue and if he is worth it to you, you will be patient and help him thru all his issues. You can't make something work that isn't meant to be though, no matter how hard you try. Making something happen doesn't last. Good luck and I wish you the best.

Answer 7

You may be discovering one reason why his marriage failed - he could well be a workaholic and emotionally distant. Also, it could be that 9 months is not long enough since his divorce for him to be able to commit himself completely to a new relationship. For some nine months is long enough, for others, it can take much longer; it depends if a person is "emotionally divorced" from his/her marriage before the actually divorce, and how long. This situation may or may not change over time. You might want to consider couple councelling if you are serious about this relationship.

Answer 8

It sounds like the story of my life. gotta keep this company for me and my son, construction. can't afford to take off we're working 7 days a week. I just don't have time right now, but later own we''ll get married but it may be a year or two maybe three. We're on a roll right now, got all these contracts that are all going at onetime. I've put up with that now for 5 years and sweetheart it don't get no better, jobs just keep rolling in, I'm like I work at a Oil Company 5 days a week and the other 2 waiting for hm to take me to dinner on the weekends. He just hates to leave by yourself but , but one day it'll get better. I'm like you just about had it right up the ***.

Answer 9

This is a loaded question. My best advice is to be patient, and see how the relationship develops. He may be busy with his business, or on the flip side, may be playing games with you. Only time will give you the answer you're seeking. Good luck!

Answer 10

You should just step back and give him some space. It's only been 9 months for him...he still could be dealing with emotional issues. Be patient and don't push.