A long story, If you have time I would appreciate your imput. Please this is very serious.?

Question

Seven years ago I met a man who protrayed himself as being very passive and easy going. We had both been married before, I have 2 kids ages 28 and 24. He has one age 12. We have had constant difficulties with the 12 year old she reciently had to go live with her mother because she was expelled from the school system where we live. She constantly lies, steals, refuses to help with chores, breaks curfew, mouths off to everyone, the list goes on and on....My husband refuses to dicipline her or allow me too and if he does as soon as I leave the house he lets her do what ever she wants. He now refuses to let my kids visit and if I let them come he doesn't talk to me for weeks. The hardest part is my granddaughter she's 4, when she's here she can't do anything he constantly diciplines her. He says someone has to do it I spoil her and he say's my daughter is lazy and doesn't bother. Granted my kids aren't perfect but they don't deserve this kind of treatment. Any suggestions? I'm lost

Answer 1

I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it does...but you were divorced once...you can do it again. Enlist your kids help to get you out of there if you need to. Just don't let ANYONE every have that kind of control or power over you. If it starts here, it may go a lot further and for your own safety--physically and mentally....take care of YOURSELF.

Answer 2

you have been given a lot of good advice already, but i have had some experience in mixing families. I have a son 25 yrs old and a daughter 32 yrs. old. my ex had two girls and one boy. Long story short we divorced. At any rate, this child of his is not going to change. she is already past the time of her life that you or your husband will have much influence on what she does. This may or may not be why he is doing what he is, to your children. I personally think he is jealous of the relationship you have with your children. he wants you in his life but not your kids and unfortunately for him it was a package deal. that is exactly what i would tell him. but at this point he has already made his bed. by telling you that your children can not visit he has hurt you and it won't go away. even if he changes his mind you will still resent him for it. unless you can sit down and discuss things and come to a decision about everything you will end up very bitter toward him. I would never let a man come between me and my children. I have 4 grandchildren, and i sometimes correct them. but i spoil them most of the time.It's being a grandmother and you can't let you husband take that away from you.

Answer 3

Obviously Ur husband is frustrated. He failed as a father for his own child. Probably hard divorce for this girl.. He feels guilty for this how she behaves, he feels it s his mistake that s why he does not want to allowe u to tell her anything... He loves this girl and he is lost and unhappy. This girl needs a special psychological care. And he as well because as u write, he feels even envy and hate for u, that in steed u divorced Ur children still love u, come to see u.. And when he sees how they treat u and how happy u re together it reminds him his failure ( what s not so much his problem, because for every child divorce is very hard,and this girl is taking it very hard..) and he needs to put his frustration on somebody. This u cannot solve out. Maybe just some kind of talking, strat with this that u think he s a good father, just that the situation was hard for children that u understand it.. Do NOT tell him that his daughter is BAD or anything..Just say she needs more love and care what u (together) can give her..And with some time try to offer him that u could help her to get ver divorce by some psychologist...because u know how hard it is...That only one luck that Ur children were older and not in so sensitive age of 12... Try this.If this will not help, leave him.Good luck

Answer 4

Firstly I am confused why he would not discipline or even be critical of his own biological child but feels completely entitled in doing so with your children and grandchildren. His daughter has some issues that are manifesting through her behavior. No child is just negative for no reason. There has to be more to that. But if he's not going to be a parent it's great she's living with her mother now hopefully she will be. Your kids were your kids before he was your husband. You have a responsibility to protect them from poor treatment and your husband's ridiculous notions of taking responsibility in other people's affairs when he hasn't in his own. But at the same time that is the house you share together. If he feels uncomfortable with your kids in the home you share, maybe you should go and visit with your children and grandchildren outside of your home. In the meantime you can't live with all this stress and negativity. He's acting like a spoiled child and you both are older adults. Your marriage will not survive at this rate and even in the slim chance it survives you need to determine what level of happiness you are willing to accept in your life. At some point you need to put your foot down and demand your needs. Your children are grown and living their own lives and your time with them should be treasured and pleasant regardless of their qualities as parents and/or adults in his view. I am certain you can meet him in complaining about your children's downfalls but what is the goal? Is it a competition on who's the better disciplinarian, the better parent, the better person..I hope not. Counseling would be a good idea as there is always an underlying emotion under anger that it is not always easy to reveal. Maybe in an indirect way he resents you for his inability to control his child and your ability to raise two children to adulthood by yourself. Don't ever believe you are the cause of his behavior. He himself has chosen to percieve and react in this manner. He is responsible for his emotions.

Answer 5

Personally I would get rid of the husband and spend lots more time with the grand-baby.You can get a new husband any were but your grand daughter is your blood and besides going to grandma's house is supposed to be fun not scary.Which is what it probably is for a four year old.When someone is doing to them what your husband is doing to yours.I am not trying to be harsh here.By saying these things to you.But really I love my Husband I have been with him my whole adult life and part of my childhood.I have lived and breathed this man since I was 17.And If I ever caught him treating my granddaughter the way your husband is treating yours he would find himself out the door permanently.Those children and grand children are your blood you have to stick up for them.Good luck!

Answer 6

Nothing or no man would come between me and my children and grandchildren. You are a kinder person than I. I wouldn't have taken the time to write a question on Yahoo. I would instead, have been throwing his SH** out in the yard.

And I am being serious. That situation would raise my hackles so quickly. I could deal with the demon 12 year old (well, to an extent) but to deny me my children and grandchildren--no way while I still have a breath of air in my body.

Answer 7

Your husband is extremely passive aggressive and controlling. This is spousal abuse. You need individual councelling as soon as possible to receive objective support and perspective on the situation. This is a terrible way to live, one that you should not be expected to tolerate. Once you feel ready, you might want to consider giving an ultimatum of marriage councelling or separation, and then follow through if he refused the councelling.

Answer 8

You might want to think that if he treats you and your family like this do you really want to be married to him.
He has serious issues if he won't discipline his daughter but he does your granddaughter. The rules should apply across the board. He shouldn't be allowed to discipline your granddaughter.
Do him the same way he is treating you. If you want to get your point across quit doing the things you do for him that he takes for granted.
He should NEVER say your kids can't visit. You can't help it that his child is out of control.I think that it is awesome of you to raise his daughter instead of her mother, for as long as you did.

Answer 9

That is very difficult situation. I have a hard time with the fact that he will not let your kids visit. If you love someone, you do not treat them that way. He also is blind when it comes to his own child. He certainly isn't doing her any favors by allowing her to misbehave. I would suggest counseling. If that doesn't help, get out of the marriage. You would be miserable not seeing your children and grandchildren.

Answer 10

Sounds like your husband is starting to show his true side! My step-dad used to do the same thing to my mom. She just ignored him and did what she felt was right to do. She's still married to him and he has since learned that a mother will NOT choose her husband over her children. Honestly, if he doesn't learn this eventually, separate. And if he continues with this charade, file for a divorce.