I have been married for almost eight years. I am 29 and my husband is in his late thirties. My husband and I had to get married in a rush for legal reasons and we never discussed having kids before we got married. I think I just assumed that that's what everybody wants. Well, not my husband. We didn't talk about the subject for a few years, but when I was about 25 I started having a strong desire to have a baby. He told me he never wanted children. I thought that eventually he would change his mind. Everytime I would bring up the subject, he woud get really angry and defensive. Now, at 29, I am at a point where I feel my biological clock ticking really loud. I envy every woman that has a baby and wonder why I can't be among the fortunate ones. He will not budge. He thinks having a baby is absolutely irresponsible unless you are a millionaire. He went as far as to say he'd rather be dead then have a baby. Can this ever be resolved? How do you stop wanting to have a baby?
2006-11-25 04:12:01 · 22 answers · asked by amaya m 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
This is really unfortunate, and I feel for you.
You either stay married, or you don't. If I were in your shoes, I'd want out. Having a child is a very personal decision--and you seem to want one very much. You may resent your husband over the years if you feel that he has prevented you from achieving this goal. If that's the case (and only you know this for sure), find someone else who shares your values and goals. If you think you can be happy without a child (and you don't indicate how happy your marriage is outside of this one issue, so that's a big factor, too), then stay married.
Would he consider counseling? It sounds like his reasons for not wanting a child are pretty irrational, and hearing an objective opinion might help him see this. Even if he refuses to go, seeing a couples' counselor might help you learn how to communicate about this with him.
God luck.
2006-11-25 04:21:43 · answer #1 · answered by psych_donkey 2 · 4⤊ 1⤋
The desire to have a baby is ingrained. It will never go away. The same can be said for someone who does not want to have children. Your husband said he'd rather be dead than have a baby. I think that pretty much says it all. You have a choice. You can continue in the marriage and resent your husband for the rest of your life, or you can go your separate ways now. I wish you luck.
2006-11-25 04:28:11 · answer #2 · answered by Taffi 5 · 6⤊ 0⤋
You got married in a rush for legal reasons and didn't bring it up the idea of children for a few years. I really don't believe you didn't have a clue that he felt this strongly about the issue. The reason to not have children may or may not be the real reason (he may feel he would not be a good father, or thinks he carries a bad gene for an illness) Regardless, you have to respect his wishes. If you accidentally get pregnant you will like the thousands of other low life girls that have done this and there will be another fatherless child in the world. Tell him if he doesn't want a child he should get a vasectomy (for all you know he may have one). You could become foster parents.
2006-11-25 04:25:31 · answer #3 · answered by lily 6 · 3⤊ 3⤋
sorry... not much I can say about this. I'm not for divorce, but I definitelly understand your wish to have kids. This is one of those things that means everything to people. You only have one life, and your selfish husband is telling you that you can't have the one thing that is probably the most natural desire of almost every woman I know.
I think I would do this. Let contraception be totally up to him. Tell him you're not on a pill, and you're not making any effort to keep from getting pregnant, and so it's up to him to worry about contraception. After a while he might get tired of it and things might happen... I dunno, this could backfire too. He could get a vasectomy.... Eather way, there's no easy answer. You're both at fault: you, for not asking one of the most important questions before getting married (for whatever reason) and him for not telling you that he doesn't want kids. Any guy that has half a brain would know that biologically many women have a huge desire to have kids. So making assumptions about this, is very dumb
2006-11-25 04:34:50 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
At twenty nine you are plenty young. Let him off the hook ,divorce him take nothing that is not yours. You made a mistake ,but it is not too late. Do not punish him because he does not want kids,you were wrong in thinking you could change him. One of the most common mistakes made in relationships is attempting to change the other.I have sent a few women on their ways for this very reason.
2006-11-25 07:37:04 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 0⤋
I definitely do not agree with the answers that say to trick him and get pregnant. That is doing a severe injustice to both your husband and the baby. Babies deserve to be brought into the world with loving parents who WANT him/her. You really only have 2 options and both are bleak I am afraid. You can either deal with it and never have children or you can get a divorce. This is a bad situation and I feel for you. Good luck with whatever you decide.
2006-11-25 04:22:07 · answer #6 · answered by peach 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It can be resolved by you leaving the marriage. You admit that you didn't talk about it before you were married and if you stay you know that you are going to be unhappy and resent him for the rest of your life. You can't change a person and I am sorry.
2006-11-25 04:16:02 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Here's a quote from Dr. Phil: "In order to have a baby, it takes a yes from two people. But it only takes a no from one person to stop it. Both of you need to be comfortable with having a child. Don't force your partner into parenthood. It could lead to resentment, threaten your relationship and be bad for the child."
2006-11-25 05:39:46 · answer #8 · answered by me 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion, this is a "deal breaker"; If you want to ever have children you will have to leave this marriage and remarry as it is very unlikely he will ever change his mind. If you stay married and never have children, your marriage will probably not last anyway because you will become extremely resentful. If you have a child against his wishes, he will probably leave. You can tell him that you want to go to marriage councelling (it might reveal why he is so dead set against having kids). If he is unwilling to go to councelling, go to councelling yourself to help decide what to do next, and have support in doing it.
2006-11-25 05:18:05 · answer #9 · answered by yahooo 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
29 is definitely not a ticking bio clock to start with. you have a good few years left before you have to worry about infertility. to be honest, this seems like a no-win situation if that is truly your husbands attitude. you can trick him and get knocked up-then he will either love the baby or he will feel that you deceived him and he will be always resentful. sorry to say, I think this is a good reason to divorce and find someone who wants a family. do you really want to spend your life on earth with no children??
2006-11-25 04:19:00 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 2⤋