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My husband and I seperated 3 weeks ago after 8 years of marriage. I ended the marriage after his continued drug use and lying, deciding that my children and I would be far better of with him not in our home. I feel very relieved after my decision and much happier! With Christmas coming up I am not sure what to do with regards to the children. My girls are 6 and 9 and love their father very much and enjoy the time they spend with him. My husband and I are capable of being civil with each other which helps matters. I cannot stand the thought of not spending christmas morning with my girls, and have a family lunch planned at my brothers. I realise I need to put the childrens needs first. Does anyone have any experience or advice they can share with me?

2006-11-24 20:59:58 · 15 answers · asked by souldancer70 1 in Family & Relationships Marriage & Divorce

15 answers

talk to your ex and work out how best to divide christmas time between you for the children.

Since you have plans to go to lunch at your briothers then that is a good time for the girls to be with their dad because it means you wont be alone for the part of christmas day that they are not with you.

Perhaps if the girls were to be with you for Christmas Eve to just before lunch and then go to their dads until Boxing day morning. Then plan that next year will be the other way around.

The most important thing is to encourage the girls to hve a great time at Dads and if you know he is not likely to bother with decorations or things like that (some men are not) then give the girls a box of decorations to decorate dad's place with then they go, that will give them an activity to do with dad that will be special between them.

Remember that each year you can either take turn about for Christmas Or each year keep it the same.

Some people I have known have worked it out that the kids are with mum for the week leading up to christmas until Christmas Lunch then they go to dad's for the week. thereby splitting christmas... Other people let the kids take turn about, one year christmas is at Mum's and Dad visits to share Christmas Lunch... and the next year at Dad's and Mum visits to share christmas lunch.

Whatever you decide stick to it and remember children are not possessions. They are not yours and they are not his. So don't wage war over it. Just accept that sometimes you are going to feel like you are missing out. Sometimes Dad is going to feel like he is missing out. And that is okay so long as the children dont miss out on a relationship with both of their parents.

2006-11-25 07:18:00 · answer #1 · answered by wollemi_pine_writer 6 · 0 0

I also went through a divorce after 8 years of marriage, and the best advice that I can give you is dont make any major changes in your childrens life. They are already going though a lot since you have separated. Sit them down and tell them your concerns and see what they would like to do. A suggestion invite your ex to spend Christmas morning with you and the kids.My ex and I do this, the kids are with me for Christmas morning and my ex picks them up around noon. One other thing although you need to put the kids needs first you also need to think of yourself at this time. You made a huge decision, (a good one at that) when you split from your ex so for your own piece of mind, if something doesnt feel right then dont do it. Follow your gut oh and be sure and give your kids some extra attention itll be good for all of you. You sound like one hell of a mom to me, you are going to be just fine. Merry Christmas, SLP.

2006-11-24 21:23:32 · answer #2 · answered by SHEILA P 2 · 0 0

Well, having him over on christmas morning sounds like a good idea. I wouldn't have him spend time alone with your children though, in the light of his drug use. I don'[t think a parent on drugs is a responsible parent and I wouldn't want a child of mine be alone with him. So I think it's best if he just comes around your house for a while and then goes away again so you can celebrate the rest of christmas with you kids and familiy. If you ex really wants to spend a lot of time with his kids, or have his kids to himself for a while, he should deal with his addiction first. I know he hasn't so far so I doubt that he will do now, but that's his choice and not yours. I think doing what's best for your kids also means that you don't expose them to any danger and I think letting your ex have your children by himself might be a dangerous situation. I wish you all the luck you need and congrats on your decision to divorce him.

2006-11-24 21:51:26 · answer #3 · answered by chocolatebunny 5 · 0 0

Invite your husband over early Christmas morning to spend time with the girls together...then attend the lunch at your brothers. No reason holidays cannot be as normal as possible even in a separation

2006-11-24 21:31:19 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Invite the husband to come and spend some time with the girls...be civil to one another and be honest with the girls...Do you really trust him to be alone with the girls if he has a history of drug use and lying that were enough for you to leave him? Keep the problems, except for that part, between the two of you and don't treat him badly or speak badly to him in front of your children...deal with the issues as adults and protect your kids...sounds to me like you are doing the right things...I wish you and your girls well....happy holidays

2006-11-24 21:24:24 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

This is the first of many times like this you are going to have to deal with. You have to come to the realization that you are not going to have them with you on every holiday,birthday,etc... It is just one of the sad facts of separation and divorce.

Since you have only been separated for 3 weeks and do have a good relationship with him tho,the two of you should be able to come to an agreement as to holiday plans.

Generally in divorce,the parents alternate Holidays unless they can come to some other agreement. I would also suggest that one of you has them Christmas Eve and one Christmas Day.
The way I look at it...if you invite him over to watch the kids open their presents,you are giving the children a false sense of security and hope.
If you truly want to end this relationship then you need to start being in control of your own life and making your own decisions.

Good luck to you,this isn't an easy road to travel.

2006-11-24 21:13:50 · answer #6 · answered by zoya 6 · 0 1

first of all I want to say I applaud you for your decision to move on. It is better for children to be from a broken home than to live in one.

Ask your X over on Xmas morning so that you can both enjoy the kids.
Do you feel safe having the girls alone with him> Maybe he can take them out for breakfast and get back home so you can go to your brothers.

I hope all works out well for you all

2006-11-24 21:07:08 · answer #7 · answered by clcalifornia 7 · 0 0

I think you need to break it off completely and not have visitation in your house. You are still holding on. Have Christmas alone with the kids, and let him take them somewhere in the afternoon. Don't deprive them, but you have to make the break. He needs to be out of your life so you can form a new life. You will meet someone. You apparently are a very good person to even ask the question.

2006-11-24 21:32:44 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

Ms; the first Christmas will be the hardests as you adjust. Talk to your girls to let them know that all althou you are apart you both love them and will always be there for them. Spend the day with family to keep your mind off things.
Good Luck.

2006-11-24 21:53:26 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

I do think it's important that you not interfere with your daughters' relationship with their father, and that includes making derogatory remarks about him in their presence. I realize that can be difficult, if he is suddenly in the position of being able to play candy man, leaving you as the disciplinarian, but I think the girls will see through any such act in the long run.

The key is to compromise, so the girls can have adequate time to spend with you, and with their father.

2006-11-24 21:21:45 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

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