First of all, I'm a pre-op female to male transsexual. I also have a very close friend, (someone who I think I could even be in a relationship with) who is also a female to male. However, he is POST op, and has had a hysterectomy. Well, tonight..he asked me if I would be willing to go off my hormones and be a surrogate mother for him! He wants a baby, and he said I'm only 1 of 2 people he'd ever even CONSIDER to do this with. I'm not sure how I should feel about this...honored? scared? nervous? angry that he would even consider me giving up my OWN happiness for HIS? I'm just in shock. What should I do?
2006-11-24 19:18:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
If I were to go off my hormones, after probably 3-6 months, I would start ovulating again, and yes, I could carry a child..however, there's no guarantee that the hormones I've taken so far could have an effect on my eggs and any unborn children.
2006-11-24 19:31:15 · update #1
Say no. Sacrifice is not friendship. Look out for yourself. Let him pay money to a real surrogate to carry a child for her, not some "friend" who's doing something else with his life.
2006-11-24 19:45:35 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow, this is probably the first personal dilemma question that has me stumped.
I know you're smart enough to know that we can't tell you what to do, but just advise. My advice is to ask whether you can handle it in terms of your gender identity, and then just the general questions any surrogate mother must ask.
For some transmen, it would be an utter shock and psychological nightmare to have anything to do with their female parts, to stop taking hormones that help contribute to their gender identity, and to have to deal with the rest of the world's reaction to a apparent man being pregnant. Other transmen have no problem with it, and I have heard of several who happily walked around looking like big masculine butch pregnant men- but then again, they were giving birth to their own children, who they would keep, and not give up. I know that you can get some flak for becoming pregnant in the FtM community (those guys did), but knowing you, that wouldn't be much cause for concern- you're not the type I would pin as worrying what others thought.
As for everything else about just being a surrogate mother, I'm sure you can look that up and weigh the options.
Overall, when I read your question, I get the impression that you don't want to do this, and that if you do, you may have buried resentment about it. That's just my first impression, though- things may change as you reconsider. Whatever you do, I'd talk it over thoroughly- as in every possible aspect until the subject is too dead and then all over again- but this guy, about his feelings, yours, and all that, so everything is out in the open and you can anticipate the emotional rollercoaster that is either pregnancy as a transman and surrogate pregnancy, or in having to say no to someone who is counting on you.
Do whatever feels right, and don't let anyone guilt trip you or persuade you into this being your duty- if you do it for those reasons, you're sure to have some bad feelings under the surface. Good luck.
2006-11-24 19:58:05 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm mtf and I'd give just about anything if I could be a mother of *any* kind so it's really hard to set aside my own feelings here...
But seriously... wow. Trying to put myself in your place, I'd probably feel... all of it. I guess the real question is whether you think of this friend as someone you *would* be willing to set aside your own happiness for.
Although, how long you've been on hormones may make it a moot point anyway. I don't know much about the effects of ftm HRT, but if it's too late it's too late regardless of what you want or are willing to do.
2006-11-24 19:31:41 · answer #3 · answered by angiekaos 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
So your friend had his eggs frozen so that he could hire a surrogate mother after he transitioned to bear his child? So if he wasn't willing to bear his own kid why the hell should he expect you to do it?
If he didn't have his eggs frozen and he just wants to own your child, why can't he adopt a kid like any other normal human being.
Tell him to **** off.
I'm also tempted to second the "you're posting for attention" idea since I *just* answered another question from you.
Dude, be a man and deal with your own problems.
2006-11-26 13:39:02 · answer #4 · answered by Evan T 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's down to whether you like to get the presents or give the presents during the holidays. Personally, I think getting them is better since he said that he has another potential surrogate. Maybe I'm cynical like that, but I'd really care for my own happiness first, especially with something like this where he could opt to adopt a life that's already here just begging for attention and care versus having his own. You should not have to compromise your life and happiness just so that he can have his kid. This is, of course, purely my opinion, and I'm sure this isn't enough to sway you. This is something you've really got to think of on your own.
2006-11-24 19:35:47 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would answer that with 2 suggestion,one is check with your therapist on the effects that going off your mones will do to your mental side,2 after being on the mones will you be able to product viable eggs.
You have to decide if putting your transition on hold for a better part of 18 months is worth it?
Also keep in mind that it wont be his own sperm being used to fertilise your egg.
My experience with what im telling you is pretty well based for i am leaping lizzards partner and a post op mtf,there is no way in heck i would of delayed my transition for that.
The ftm friends that i have(pre and post) would not have delayed their transition for nothing.
He is asking an awful lot from you.
LL's partner
2006-11-24 21:58:04 · answer #6 · answered by LeapingLizard 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is soooooooooo not a question that you want answered by others... just so you know.
But since you're asking...
NO... DON'T DO IT!! You've come so far to take that leap backwards. He may be your friend and all but you can't just ignore the fact that, in your mind, you too want to father a child.
Again, it should all come down to you and the love that you have for this boy. Your answer will be the right one.
Good Luck
2006-11-24 19:40:29 · answer #7 · answered by DelectibleD 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is just an uneducated opinion but if you are interested in it could you do it before your surgery or wouldn't there be enough time. Another thing would be if you have a child you would be legally bound to him for 18 years which take my word isn't fun. But you have to think of YOUR happiness overall
2006-11-24 19:29:21 · answer #8 · answered by gitsliveon24 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
C'mon... You're kidding right? Just imagine explaining to your child one day that his mommy's actually his daddy, his daddy's actually his mommy... well, both mommies are daddies, well, I guess neither mommy could be a daddy since neither could ever produce sperm... maybe the child would be it's own father... or uncle at least.
2006-11-24 19:46:24 · answer #9 · answered by kissmykumbaya 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
wait im confused, how can he have a baby if he is post opp female to male, are you able to reproduse like that? i hope this doesn't sound stupid, i just don't understand.
2006-11-24 19:28:18 · answer #10 · answered by Kate 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋