what is wrong with me?

Question

In school, I was the bullied child..the fat, ugly little girl that everyone picked on. In high school..no one to eat with in the cafeteria, that sort of thing. I went to college at 27, same thing. ignored, etc. went to nursing school..left out of the groups/cliques.. I have always tried to be a nice, helpful person. I compliment people, ask for their opinion,etc. i am 50 now, do have family and friends, but in new situations, I am a loner. For instance, started a new job. Had to go away for training. Just finished one week and dread returning Monday. same thing. Everyone has formed their little clique/friendships. they all go out together after class. they laugh and talk, again, i don't even have anyone to sit with in the dining room, so I quit going. This is a very stressful situation for me. I want to be included..yet I will not intrude and put myself where I am not wanted. all the fat ugly little girl stuff comes back. I am just always doomed to be the outsider?

Answer 1

I have exactly the same problem. I was teased because we were poor and I had buck teeth and wierd hair. My last job, I worked with a young man and a woman about 8 years younger than me and they completely ignored me. They didn't even include me in job-related conversations. I have never fit in anywhere. Are you straight and religious? I have found that a lot of places where I go, people are mostly talking about bars and sports and stupid things so I don't talk to them and they don't talk to me either! I was told I have social anxiety and I believe that our problems lie somewhere in not really caring if we talk to anybody, but yet we want attention. We don't have the confidence that people will be interested in what we say. I always figure how many people would be interested in somebody like me who is a bookworm, does not do anything but think about how to decorate my kitchen or where to plant my next rosebush. I don't know. I think we need to find happiness in ourselves and be happy who we are. Sometimes you have to just push yourself in to other people's cliques at least just for a moment to let them know you are not stuck up (maybe that's what they think). If people cannot look past another person's looks or have empathy for a quiet person, then they are not worth having as a friend anyway. By the way, I am also the person left sitting alone during breaks when I am taking a class or whatever. It is what we choose or we wouldn't be sitting there. I just don't like to go outside where everybody else is smoking, etc.

Answer 2

Misty, I've been through the "fatandugly" thing (you mean it's not one word?) and I know it's very hard on self-esteem to have others making fun of you. (Young people especially can be very cruel...and it's because they are so unsure of themselves.)
From your writing and the fact that you went to nursing school it's obvious you are both an intelligent and caring person, and you have people who appreciate you for who you are now, but when you get in new situations it's easy for the old feelings and insecurities to come back and feel overwhelming.
You are probably also an introvert in the Jungian sense. This is a valuable personality trait, it means you are reflective and thoughtful, but extraverts are more common and so again you may feel as if you don't fit in.
The truth is that most people have those same insecurities to some extent -- in fact, that's why they stay with familiar people and groups rather than reaching out. It looks like being stuck up from the outside but I have often been surprised to find that someone I thought "had it all together" was really shy.
Be patient with yourself; be an observer of people, keep being helpful, kind and courteous. You won't be "the new girl" forever. See if you can get to know one person when the two of you are working together.
Have you tried just coming up to a table at lunch (where there's an empty chair) and saying, "Mind if I join you?" Even if no one talks to you, they will know you're not deliberately avoiding them. Sooner or later someone will appreciate your gentle listening heart.
You might like to read the book "Please Understand Me" which talks about the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory and explains Introversion/Extraversion and other ways in which we bring our own individual gifts to those around us.
My heart goes out to you. Think about how you got to know your current friends, and that will help encourage you that you can do the same in the future. And treasure your family and friends ... to have one person you can share your heart with is a true blessing.

If it continues to be difficult, consider seeking out counseling in a group setting. You should be able to find a group that is not expensive and helps its members to develop relationship skills they may not have had the opportunity to learn earlier. (When you're "different" as a young person -- fat, bright, tall, etc. etc. -- you miss out on some opportunities to learn social strategies. It doesn't mean you're weird or sick or something's wrong -- it's just you may need some catch-up lessons! (You'll also discover that there are others who have as hard a time with this, or even harder.)

Answer 3

Unfortunately, you are carrying that excess baggage from childhood with memories of being left out, and psychologically, you as a nurse, understand the ramifications of being left out as a child and carrying these feelings into adulthood.

I would suggest a therapist to talk to, to vent these feelings of insecurity. In the mean time, you need to tell yourself you are worthy, as important as anyone else, and not harbor these feelings of inadequacy. I realize it is easier said than done, but try to take baby steps. Approach a group of women, or mixed gender, try to include yourself in whatever topic they are discussing. At some point, you will be able to engage in at least a comment, or some sort of dialog exchanging thoughts, or light hearted comments getting a laugh or two. Don't become too discouraged if your attempts fall short of your expectations. Don't give up. Try again. You are as worthy as the person next to you.

Answer 4

Nothing is wrong with you. I am also 50 and experienced some of what you did. You must first like and accept yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. Confidence attracts people no matter what you look like or what size you are.

Don't let another day go by feeling like the victim. Don't abandon yourself anymore. Other people have abandoned you but you have abandoned yourself. It didn't make sense to me the first time someone told me this but now it makes all the sense in the world.

Learn to love you and drop the victim, you will be happily surprised at the outcome.

Answer 5

I can relate to what you're going through...I have been in the same situation....I think we're gonna have to start being more outgoing and try to jump in there at some poiiint and if we're sending the message that we don't want anyone around....try to work on one person at a time....I think too, some of the people aren't worth the trouble....if they have to be convinced to be our friend...well, I do know how you feel and I am praying for you and myself....maybe some other answers will give you better answer....but I will sincerely pray...

Answer 6

I had the same situation at college. Half of it was me. I am distrustful and overly sensitive at times. The other half was them, some people have to feel like every aspect in their life is a challenge. The minute I started not caring and getting into my studies, people started approaching me. I think when I went into serious study mode I may have projected myself as some type of challenge, because some of them were hostile towards me in the beginning. I know now that I can't please everyone, but I sure can please myself.

Answer 7

People don't "join" social-situation groups by invitation. People socialize/interact with others just by being around them. Perhaps others are interpreting your quietness as aloofness. Perhaps they are reading you as not wanting to be around them. Find people in the group(s) you are comfortable interacting with and sit with them. (Just go sit by them---perhaps asking "Is this seat taken?" Don't be insulted if someone says it is taken, it may be that that person tries to save a seat for another, but MOST of the time people don't do so. So likely the response will be, "Have a seat!") Just be yourself, people will love you.

Answer 8

No of course not! ur not doomed as an outsider! u just have to let ppl get to noe u... talk to them, make friends with them, dnt let anyone hu dsnt even noe u pick on u or call u the fat ugly little girl, ur a person just like them..... evry person always has sumone there for them. just go back and start talking to ppl. ur not puttin urself where ur not wanted cuz ur onli not wanted if u dnt bother to talk to ppl and try to make friends

Answer 9

Stop overeating.

Find a hobby or sport you like. Then when you and another person have that hobby or sport in common, you will become friends.

Another name for friendship is commonality.

It does not have to be planned, it just happens.

OK, OK, it doesn't just happens. There is logical lasting reason that it happens.

Answer: It, that thing you both have in common, is bigger than both of you. Why is that important? Because it rises above petty bickering and selfish egoism. It is the focal point, or beginning point, for all discussions.

Answer 10

That's really sad. Every body has groups and some are weird, go join one of those. Or maby try dressing up all pretty or go to a therapist.