I have been dating this guy for three years. He is 28 and I'll be 33. He has a child and I have 3. He does so much for me and my children and I do so much for him. We never argue and we get along really well. The problem? I'm ready for marriage and he is not. I own my own home and he still lives in the basement of his childhood home. He wants to live alone before he gets married/lives with someone. I am divorced but I really desire to have that type of committment. We love each other very much but I can't decide if I should let him go/grow without me. What do you think?
2006-11-24 14:48:12 · 22 answers · asked by mango227 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think he is right to want to live on his own before he moves from Mom's house to his wife's house. I would honor that. It will also make him a better partner in the long run - he will know what it takes to survive on his own, which is very important, especially for men.
I would also tell him that you want to have a committed relationship with him. So, tell him that you expect him to get out of the basement, get his own place, date you properly from that position for about a year. Then, if he is ready and you still want him, get hitched. But, let him do all the work for himself (don't help him find a place to live, don't participate in getting the phone hooked up and the electricity turned on). Give him space to be his own man. If he loves you and you love him, you will both be best served by his time on his own.
2006-11-24 14:58:35 · answer #1 · answered by Tammie R 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That would depend upon how important marriage is to you, and if you are willing to have him move in with you, because for sure, you are not going to want to move in with him. At 33, you are indeed probably ready for marriage... it is just sorta natural to wish that. My question is what is HIS problem? And my question to you is: Are you sure that what you think you see in him really is there?..... What do you see good about a guy who still lives in the basement of his childhood home? At 18, he has had time to finish college, and even an MA or MS. If not, for sure very high up in one of the building trades. Marriages are made of Admiration Respect, Passion and Trust. So far he hasn't done much with those years given him after hs (he did finish hs, right?). His accomplishments can't so far be very admirable, and therefore you probably have little respect for what he has done with his life. So again, you appear to be in a committed relationship with someone who does not want marriage. You have to decide whether marriage is that important, and only you know if it is....
2006-11-24 16:10:52 · answer #2 · answered by April 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't want to be critical but a 28 year old living in the basement and has one child already, not exactly a go getter in life. I don't know anything about him and he may be a nice guy, but that does not pay the bills or plan for a future or eventually have a home or financial freedom. He doesn't have to be educated just someone who gets off the hind end and strives for more in life.
If you don't mind accepting mediocre men with little motivation that is up to you, but if you think about your children and their future I would be pretty selective on who is going to be the stepfather. You know with three children it is now not all about you or him but they have to be figured into the equation.
I just don't see him being motivated to assume much responsibility
2006-11-24 14:57:54 · answer #3 · answered by John E 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds like you both care a lot for one another but one thing I know is that you cannot push a guy into marriage if he is not ready. The thing is how much time does he need and are you willing to give him that time? I gave my husband one year and one night out of the blue he proposed and we have been married for almost 5 years now. But you have already given this man 3 years and that is a long time. You need to find out exactly how much more time he thinks he needs and if it is another 3 years then I would have to say to move on.
2006-11-24 16:25:56 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Three years is long enough for anyone to know if they want to get married to the person they say they love. You didn't mention how old his child is but you stated he wants to live alone before he marries, so if he/she is 2 or 3 years old that means you have to wait another 15 years or so. If you're ready to do that then stay, but it not, leave now and find someone else.
2006-11-24 15:02:29 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all I would ignore all the sexist advice.
What would you tell a male friend or your brother to do if it were him and he was with a woman in your position. Look from his perspective for a change.
It is time women start giving men an equal turn back.
Remember, you reap what you sow. So, you have either done this to someone before and you are reaping your own behavior or you are sowing now, and you need to becareful of the seeds your planting. Why are you in a hurry? Isn't love patience that hopes all things, believes all things, and endures all things.
Why would you not be willing to wait or is it at the point of decision now?
2006-11-24 15:19:58 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Has he told you that he wants to marry you? If not, then you are definitely wasting your time if YOU want to get married.
If he has said he wants to marry you, has he made any progress toward moving out of his parents' home?
Unfortunately, I see a lot of immature 'men' these days who -- even though they are physically capable of fathering a child -- act like children themselves. A man of 28 still living at home with his parents and not making any effort to live on his own is well...pathetic.
However, if he is as good to you and your kids as you say, only you know if it's worth continuing in this pattern indefinitely. I've seen it go on until the man is in his late 30s.
Good luck.
2006-11-24 15:57:31 · answer #7 · answered by Karen L 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You've been together for 3yrs, but he still says he "wants to live alone" before comitting to marriage or living with you.
He's already let you know, he's not going to go to the next step anytime soon. Still living in his parents' basement doesn't bode well either.
Love is hard when the object of your affection isn't on the same path you hope to take. I'm sorry but it's time to cut this one loose.
2006-11-24 18:16:47 · answer #8 · answered by btdt 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
why are you in such a rush to be married etc. It didn't work the first time for you and perhaps it would be in your interests as well as this guy to take things as they come... one day at a time etc...
It's a bit patronizing to perceive your partner's unwillingness to be married as a need to 'grow'. He just doesn't want to be married. I am sure that you did not paint a pretty picture with your marriage and subsequent divorce.
Just enjoy the relationship you have together and if you want to take it a step further, ask him to move in gradually spending more and more time and nights at yours.
There is no reason to let him go/ grow without you. And to be honest, at your age ( i am of your approximate age ) it will be hard to meet someone who you are so happy with. You will have to start all over again, introducing him to the famiy etc..
2006-11-24 15:01:18 · answer #9 · answered by Just me 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Really hard question....But I suggest you talk to him about it. Let him know that you are ready for that step and tell him you can't wait. Sometimes people (guys especially) get "comfortable" with things the way they are and need an incentive to make that leap...give him some room if he isn't ready and see what happens. If it was meant to be, then it will, otherwise it won't. This is just a suggestion and you should really go with what you feel is best for you and your children.
2006-11-24 14:56:27 · answer #10 · answered by deb 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋