My boyfriend of over 2 years was married for 3 yrs before meeting me and has 2 young children. He misses living with his children deeply even though he sees them almost every day, he picks them up or takes them from daycare and then he has them most weekends. We are now engaged and planning to marry some time next year or the year after. But I sense this sadness with him over not being with the kids. He doesn't want anymore children, mainly because I don't think he wants his kids to think he replaced them in any way. I am fine with that, but I just don't know what to do to help him be less sad. AND I fear that even though he cares for me deeply he may want/try to rekindle the relationship with his ex-wife so he can be with the kids fulltime.
2006-11-24 14:11:24 · 20 answers · asked by Lydia 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I did not ask him not to have any more child, he told me he didn't want any more.
I am not being selfish, in fact I am willing to be with a man and love his child as my own and do whatever it takes to include them in our lives and have him see them everyday when possible.
2006-11-24 14:25:53 · update #1
Make sure you have enough pictures of them around...he needs to get used to the current siduation. Girl be glad he cares about his kids....my ex has not called my kids in 3 months...didnt even call my son on his birthday....this guy seems to be a keeper_
2006-11-24 14:14:25 · answer #1 · answered by Chickybabe 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Hey Girl been there! I could tell my guy wanted to be with his kids very much and I knew that he loved me. I also knew that there would always be a place in his heart for the kids and the ex no matter what. So I told him to go try to get back with her maybe this time it would work. If it did Great (for them not for you),But if it did not and he comes back then you know he is yours and you treat his kids just like they are your own even when they are not with the two of you. It will be hard at first but it will be well worth it in the long run. Just remember if you tell hem to try again with the ex and it works out this time around You never really had him to begin with and it would probably would not have worked out any way. Hope that helps. All else fails ask GOD!!
2006-11-24 15:20:14 · answer #2 · answered by confused 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sad and I have 50-50 custody.
If it were me I think I would want to hear positive affirmation from you. Tell him he is a great Dad and the kids have such a wonderful father. Let him know he is not any less of a man for being a part-time father. Point out other families that don't have it so good. Maybe talk to him about saving up some money to go to court and get 50-50 custody in the future....
2006-11-24 14:37:39 · answer #3 · answered by HonestGuy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You actually need to get out of this relationship, for a few different reasons. I don't mean to sound harsh but what the deal is you say it is okay that he not want anymore children, but what will happen if after you get married and you decide that you want to have a child what do you think is going to happen you are going to start resentment towards him and his feelings. It is not easy for him but he really needs to get over it and soon, before he marry's you, he may need counseling to get over this whole situation. I also think that you should consider how much time is he going to concern himself with his not being able to see the kids, and not the new marriage. Please stop and think about all of this and more before you marry him, make sure he is stable and okay with the whole situation and the kids being with him part time
2006-11-24 14:24:34 · answer #4 · answered by melissa052572 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First do you want to have kids inthe future if so then this guy really isnt the one for you since he doesn't want anymore kids next if he has a chance to take them to and from daycare sometimes and gets them on weekends sometimes I think its something more than the kids he could be miss being with her as well and just wants and misses his family ask him if that is the case and then you will know what to do from there
2006-11-24 14:53:57 · answer #5 · answered by teresa d 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Even if the situation involving his children were not to change there will always be a situation where he feels like he has sacrificed the relationship with his children when he decided to be with you. I have experienced this with my husband for the past 6 years. To ease the situation for me when there are major events and holidays I always try to include his child in every thing that we do such as decorating their bedrooms and waiting until they are around to put up the christmas tree. You need to let him know and make him feel comfortable always that you love his children as if they were your own. Believe me it will make the world of difference in everyone lives and you will be at peace that he doesn't want to rekindle that relationship with his ex- because he knows that he has everything in you!. Hope that this is encouraging. If you want to continue conversation let me know! eayoung7707@sbcglobal.net
2006-11-24 14:41:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
your not being selfish, you just dont know what to do. i agree, just ignore the ignorant statements from some of the posts. i guess they assume you are blocking the path of them getting back together.
i wish my ex's gf cared about my kids, let alone he even bothered with them.
anyway, your fiance want to be a part of the kids lives, and is. he just isnt used to this 'new' part, which has changed. i know some guys that took a few years to adjust. he just needs to adjust (and time to) and all you can do, is do what you have been, be supportive. being kind, patient and fun with the kids is perfect, keep up the good work! just try not to get in the middle of their issues (for they are the parents of these kids). time and time again i have seen it in court, the new wife or girlfriend in the middle of something where she didnt belong (mistaking it for being supportive).
the issue of him not wanting more kids, will effect your relationship, for you may want kids. all you can do is keep talking about anything that concerns you, and listen when he talks. you will know, after time, if he is indeed the man you wish to marry.
stay strong.
2006-11-24 15:20:27 · answer #7 · answered by Yvette B yvetteb 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Love. Just love him. It sounds like you give him all the time in the world to see his kids. It also sounds like he is a good dad. Men like that are hard to find. Give him space to think about what he really wants. He would not have asked you to marry him if he didnt want to marry you. He is never going to replace his kids if he has any with you and that is very selfless of you to not ask him to have any. I think you 2 will do fine. Just love eachother and make sure he feels comfortable with the arrangments.
2006-11-24 14:20:15 · answer #8 · answered by Hello!!! 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It would be great if he and his ex-wife reunited and the kids had a stable, 2-parent home. Then they could live with their own father rather than visiting him. If he, a grown man, feels this sad, imagine how the children must feel.
How can you help him? I don't know. This is the consequence of divorce. I'm sure the kids feel worse.
2006-11-24 14:16:03 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your fear is normal, but their relationship ended for a reason. He needs your support--and you can't really help him to be less sad. He is sad over his children, not you, so keep that in mind. You are being wonderfully supportive of his feelings...keep that up, but be sure to keep communication open with him. He can't read your mind, and you can't read his. If you are to be married, the most important thing you can do is be there for one another. It will be tough...but you know you've got someone who adores his kids, and that is a great quality for a man!
2006-11-24 14:18:10 · answer #10 · answered by Mamma3 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋