What in the world do I do, My marriage is falling apart?

Question

For the last month we have done is fight! I caught him in a big lie. Well then the kicked me out at 1:00am. I had a friend pick me up. I went home the following night. We have been sleeping in seperat rooms.(my choice) Well we were trying to work it out. The last night, We had another huge fight and he locked me out. I had to call the police to get in. I never nag, yell or control him. I truely thought we had a good marriage. One min he is super nice and the next he's playing games. He told me that he wants to fix this mess. But, I just feel it's getting worse. I feel as if I don't have a hubby and I don't have a home. The house is in both our names. But, he knows i will NOT fight with him. It's just easier to say the hell with it and leave untill the next day or untill things cool down. I am so fed up with feeling this way. And I just don't know what to do. I truely love this man. I want to be with him for the next 100 years! But, i cant take this crazyness in my life! HELP!

We have been through counseling. About 5 years ago. I don't want to go back! I also went thruoght Hundreds of hours of counseling for my self. He told me today that he wants to talk more. And try to reopen the communcation.But, I am so unsure because I heard that before.

We are both in our mid 30s. And have been married for 10 years.(been togeather for 13years) And No he didn't cheat.

Answer 1

sounds like when there are problems, you clam up instead of talking about them!

Answer 2

Yours is a question that really requires about 25 minutes of time, and since you appear to need some time, I'll answer it.

I don't know what you got out of counseling, but apparently, it didn't take, and you are unwilling to try again..... You didn't say how old you ,and he are, nor how long you had been married, but I think there are a few things that are not straight in your head.

You say you truly love this man... Uh, no. You love your IMAGE of what you wish he were or what he was once. Secondly, why are you fighting, and what was the big lie? If he has betrayed you with another woman, hate to tell you this,hon, but it is all but over. Marriages and relationships are Admiration, Respect Passion, and Trust. If he has betrayed your Trust, and shared Passion with another woman, he has shared his body and soul with her, and that, hon, is a deal-breaker------THE dealbreaker for most of us... and you said he was a game player -- lots of cheaters are, because they are't sure what that other lady(ies) is really thinking. If this is the case, he is keeping you as the JERK in Reserve. There is an old French saying when things are going wrong,,,,,, "cherchez la femme" Find the lady-----. There are ways to discuss differences in relationships, and obvjously you were not taught to do so, while you were in counseling, and therefore have no skill at it, and as well, neither does he, so you two end up in a screaming match. Marriage is supposed to be love, and support, and kindness and tons of other warm fuzzies. From this note, these things aren't part of your relationship. So, that is why I am guessing, it is a "crowded" marriage.... You can't fight him, hon, I'm guessing his heart is somewhere else.....

Answer 3

This man has some deep issues to overcome, and needs counseling. You need to find a place to stay until he gets that help and has changed. No one can live like this. I'm not talking about divorce, only separation. He needs to know that you deserve more than this from him, and that his behavior is unacceptable. If he won't move out or get help, then you need to go somewhere. Tell him what you want. If he flies into a rage, tell him you have no choice but to stay somewhere where you'll feel safe. If he wants a divorce, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do to stop him. As much as you want this man, you don't want him the way he is. He needs help, the kind a professional gives, not the kind you can give him. If he truly wants to fix what's wrong, he'll do what's necessary. And it IS better to not fight with him. Fighting never solved anything. There's a book called Love Must Be Tough that deals with what you should and should not accept from the one you love. There are some definite deal breakers, and violence is one of them. This book helped me with my own feelings too. You should still be able to find it. It's by Dr. James Dobson, and was quite a help when my husband thought he wanted a divorce, several years ago. I truly hope all works out well. <*)))><

Answer 4

Okay,
Coming from a man who's wife wants to leave him after 28 yrs of marriage here is how I see it, you are in a abusive relationship to the point that your husband does whatever he can to walk all over you and then he wants to work it out; What are you going to do? If you want to stay with him that's on you, don't ask for help if your going to put up with the abuse. On the other hand I think you are very smart for not saying anything at the time because that could only go deeper into the anger you feel at the time. The only way to work this out is for both of you to change and only time and maybe a little more counseling will help. Good luck to both of you!

Answer 5

However, the key to marriage is that you can't force someone else to change. In this situation, it sounds like you're trying to make things work, and you've given him chance after chance, but he's not interested in changing, or being held accountable for his actions. Even though he may not be bad all the time, he's capable of doing bad things, and there's no sign that he plans on stopping. Furthermore, the fact that you say he is persuasive makes me think he may have an addicted personality, along with abusive tendencies. So, if you want to stay with a guy who drinks, cheats on you, has a bad temper, hits you, wastes your family's money, doesn't take responsibility for his family, and doesn't want to help you out, then you can stay with him. Otherwise, you need to realize that you can't force him to change. If you feel like you can't leave, I can try to suggest some ideas that just might help (better than nothing) , or if you just want to discuss things further, too - email me.

Answer 6

You married into this mess so why is it so different now. He was like this before you married him.

Yes, it will only get worse without counseling and even if counseling is available and you both do it, it still may not work for now because you don't know how deep his problems are and it may take time. During this time of him working on himself, you don't want to become his punching bag until he gets it right.

Best of Luck !

P.S. I did not mean for it to sound as if he was the only one with the problem because even if you don't fight back, you have a problem because you chose to marry a fighter and a controlling person.........why ? This you must check into so that you don't do it again and again and again when choosing mates.

Answer 7

Both of you need to realize that this situation is pretty normal. Some of the things that were once cute are now annoying. The prospect of having someone else seems to be good until you realize that it will probably end up in this situation again later on. When you guys have cooled down, talk about it and try to set rules, and when one fails talk about it instead of throwing a fit. Once you guys get used to treating each other somewhat civilized then the agression will start mellowing down. Leave the passion in bed.

Answer 8

If you're opposed to counseling, then you can either talk or leave. You have to get to the root of the problem in order to fix it. It sounds like he has anger management issues that needs to be dealt with. If within the first few minutes of conversation he turns to anger, just get up & leave. Don't allow an argument to ensue. If he continues on, just don't reply.. or if you do then simply say, I'm not going to continue talking to you if you're going to argue with me. You've heard the expression," Pick your fights wisely" ? There are issues you should stand up to, & others that just aren't worth the effort. If after a week you both still can't just sit down & talk, then you pretty much have your answer... it'll be time to leave.

Answer 9

Welcome to the married life.What you are going through is normal.Marriage is something you have to work at everyday.Everyone fights with their spouse.Any one who tells you different is lieying.fighting is healthy as long as after you fight you can work out your differences.{If your fighting in a positive way without verbal abuse or physical abuse}.If all you are having is arguements don't give up.If you can't work through your fights seek marriage councling.If you really love this man then you know that you will do whatever it takes to make things right.Deal with all your disagreements as they come and never go to bed angry.Try to compromise.Marriage is about knowing when and how to choose your battels.If this marriage is important enough to him he will meet you half way.I hope all goes well.Who knows maybe when you two are old and lived a life time together you might just look back at all of this crazyness and laugh.

Answer 10

It sounds like you husband has you on a roller coaster. He brings you up and down to lower your self-esteem. He wants you to depend on him. He wants you to be on his beckon call. It sounds like he is jealous and insecure and the only thing he can do to make himself feel better is put you down. I know because I've been in a similar relationship. I know you love him. I believe you. Do something for yourself. Go back to school, or get a job and be independent. Get dressed up, put your makeup on everyday. Look nice and show him that you are worth more than you give yourself credit for. Don't let him run your life. Next time you get mad at each other, don't leave. Let him leave after all, it's both of your house, why should u leave. Good luck.

Answer 11

It is wrong if your husband has hit you. he needs to be in jail for that. These days men do not think there are consequences for their actions. This is mostly because women let them behave this way. Women need to start being smarter and let these guys know that we will not put up with their crap anymore. If you want to work things out, you need to see someone to find out what each of your expectations are and why they are not getting met. If you feel that you have been reasonable, than you are not the one with the problem, and you will probably have to leave, or put up with his crap. If you leave he might come to his senses and get some help for his problems. If you are partly to blame, you both need to get some help together, and be willing to forget what has happened in the past and truly start over.