child discipline? using a belt....advice?

Question

I have a bf of 2 years. I have 2 kids from another relationship age 9 and 11. We are expecting a baby together in a few weeks. YES we do plan to marry. Anyway he has never hit my kids with a belt. A situation came up yesterday with behavior in the 9 year old. He took off his belt "never used it". I know he was hit with a belt as a kid. I WAS NEVER hit with a belt. I am strongly against it. I wrote him a e mail today at work about how i thought that a belt was never acceptable. I am seeking advice on how to work around this issue with him and my kids. I want to be clear i 100% have no issue with a corrective smack on the butt for the kids with a HAND. I see this becoming a huge issue with my bf later if this is not cleared up. What are your views on using a belt?

i said nothing in front of the child about it i also feel parents should never over step eachother in front of the kids. The kids don't know this is even a issue.

Answer 1

Geez, not a belt. I had a belt used on me A LOT, and anything else that was handy. I basically lived in fear of doing anything that might upset my parents. It is a horrible way for any child to live. I have a dis-association axiety disorder, meaning I cannot stand to have a close relationship with anyone out of fear.

You need to get this under control before you marry him. This is something that you two definitely need to go to counseling for. It is a known fact that more male children are killed at the hands of the step-fathers. There are other ways to discipline children. The reward method works very well. Your sons are at the age they can appreciate having privileges taken away, and rewards go a long way instead of giving them a beating with a belt. And it is a beating no matter how you look at it. You risk having your boys taken away if someone finds out about it. You should read this link. This can be more serious than you think.

http://www.psych.ucsb.edu/research/cep/buller/cinderella%20effect%20facts.pdf

Answer 2

By the age of 9 a kid should behave well enough to NOT need a spanking of any kind.
Our three boys were disciplined with spankings when they were little & they have not needed that type of dicipline since, because they all three know that mom & dad WILL BACK UP WHAT THEY SAY!!!!
As for using a belt, do you really think that swatting a 9 year old on the butt with your hand would do ANY GOOD??? It would have no effect, causing you more pain than it would them. No child should be "BEAT", but I see nothing wrong with a smack with a belt if it gets their attention & lets them know you are serious. But, by the age of 9 there should be other methods of discipline in place. By 9 they are too old to spanked most of the time. I know there are times when this may be necessary to get their attention though.

Answer 3

Oh dear,what a shame you didn't work out your attitudes to discipline before you became pregnant.Issues like this can tear a family apart.Do not allow him to hit your children at all! Hand or belt,it's all the same,it's not acceptable.You either have to agree between you that you will handle the discipline or make him promise to never take a belt to any child! Imagine a few years later and you realise that he is happy to chastise your 2 kids but not the one you have together,and what will the kids make of it.Sort it now or get back on the single parent train.

Answer 4

I think it is very important to be on the same page with discipline.

This has been a source of tension for me and my hus for years now. But, it is something that you two can set guidelines on.

I agree, no belt. What is next, hitting with a rubber hose ? What worked years ago is now considered child abuse. I too have used a hand on the butt rarely, but this is a far cry from hitting with a belt. I reserve this only for extreme times.

He may have some issues to work on from his past as well.

good luck to you.

Answer 5

A step parent should not be the disciplinarian, and no child on the face of this earth should be hit with a belt. Even if your bf just takes it off, it's a bullying tactic...your kids will be afraid of him, but they will not respect him, and they will not trust you.

Answer 6

I can tell you right now, hitting child with a belt never hurt nobody period. I am 50 years old now and I have 2 kids of mine own. I was spanked with a belt, switch, and hand when I was growing up. I did the same thing with my kids when they were growing up a well. I did not turn out mean nor did my kids. I can tell you also, not only did I learn how to behave in a store but so did my kids. I never had to worry about how they were going to act any where that I took them. I had so many people to brag to me about how well behaved and well mannered my kids were. And no I never "beat" my kids, I spanked them. As far as the age goes, from first walking to 4 or 5 the hand is plenty. From then until teenager the switch or belt. From then on the grounding.

Answer 7

belt is 100% WRONG!! Spanking with an open palm over a clothed behind is the only acceptable spanking, and I only do it when a child has put himself or another in danger, not just because he ate too many cookies or he mouthed off. But he should not be the one to discipline you kids if he has a history of abuse. He needs to understand his limitations and act appropriately. Some parenting classes could help him out too, so he can see how his upbringing was abusive and not normal. Its hard for kids who were raised with abuse as a daily fact of life to understand that what they see as typical parenting behavior is abusive. I wish you both good luck!

Answer 8

I would never let anybody hit my kids with a belt, I was beat as a child and I refuse that allow my child to feel that kind of pain ( physically and emotionally ). My children are not even aloud to be stood in a corner.When they do something that I dem wrong we talk about what they did and why,the most that they ever had to do was sit at the bottom of our stairs till they calmed down and are ready to talk. My children are very well behaved and we have very few problems.

Answer 9

A lot of people will tell you not to spank, hit, switch, or whatever in "any" situation however, I feel that sometimes, it is needed. But only in worse case situations. However, your Fiance needs to take time to calm down before the discipline is administered. It needs to be explained to the child why, and then they need to be re-assured that they are loved after the punishment. Now, if a child has to be disciplined by a belt more than twice in a year, there is more of a deep seated problem, and I would recommend counseling.

Answer 10

Definitely talk it over before it becomes a major issue. If it's that important to you, you need to do some thinking because 1. A man should be the head of the family (that's the Bible talking, and it's how some men were raised) and 2. Your kids won't respect him if he says one thing and you say another. So don't EVER mention this disagreement in front of your kids. Keep it behind closed doors and figure it out before it comes up again.