should i tell my wife i have been cheating on her for the past 4 years?

Question

i have been married to my wife for 5 years, but i have been cheating on her for 4 years now. it started off by just having lunch with the seceratary from where i work, but then it turned to only sex, and thats how it has been, thats all we talk about whenever we talk, and we talk most of the day because she works with me. i love my wife, and we have 3 kids together, i know i wouldnt leave my wife for the other person but should she find out? or should i just try and get rid of the other person. to tell you the truth, i love the sex with the other person more than with my wife... but i dont know i am confused big time, maybe i dont even love my wife anymore.

my wife has not found out because i work with the seceratary all day, and we dont love each other, so there is no jelousy whenever my wife calls me to the office. i leave home at 8am and get home at 6pm, and on the weekends i am with my family, but i usually have sex with the other person during my lunch hour at a near motel...

Answer 1

Well, love is a choice. People always confuse it with an emotion. Emotional attachment will get your through about 9 months. Beyond that, you have to have something different. You married your wife.

I am not giving advice here. The proper thing is to tell your wife and deal with the consequences like an adult. Sex is not what life is about. You are acting like a child demanding everything and thinking only of yourself. The betrayal is one thing. Holding out for when she finds out is worse.

That is my humble opinion. Do as you will.

Answer 2

Do you realize that even though you say that your secretary is "just sex"; that you have actually had a relationship with 2 women for the past 4 years? Sex or no sex; you spend more time with your secretary than you do your own wife. Do the math.

Guilt keeps you tied to your wife. The children, the history; "what would the families say" etc......You have to do what is best for you and your wife.

You do need to tell your wife; It is done and you admit that it's still going on to date. She will likely want out of the marriage. In any event the trust factor has been compromised and that is where you both need to decide whether you want to salvage the marriage or move on. Because it will take lots of time; inclusive of the fact that whether you stay together or not; others will find out...women talk to family and friends. You will be deemed the self serving a*sshole and justly so.

For the past 4 years you have not allowed your wife to carry on with her life as you have yours. What you have is most definately not love with your wife. Love does not deceive.

You're afraid of losing something that either was never there in the 1st place, and likely never will be. Which is the "thought" of the perfect marriage with the kids and such.

Your children deserve a quality environment which means comittment from both parents to love one another unconditionally. If you truly care about your wife as a woman; and your children becoming "whole" adults one day. You will do the right thing and let your wife have the opportunity to decide if she can forgive you and continue; or move on with her life as you have yours.

Your marriage has been over for 4 years. Make choices that are not about you, but those of your family. What is best for them? You've already deemed what was and is best for you.

Answer 3

There is always a reason why spouses cheat.
The most common answer to why spouses cheat is that something is wrong in the marriage and the affair is a bi-product of those problems, even when most other aspects of the relationship are working well. “The problem” is often one that the faithful spouse who would never think of cheating does not see or has elected to ignore for one reason or another.
Other times, the marriage has changed and evolved in a way that leaves the cheating husband or cheating wife feeling left out or somehow empty. Those changes may include a shift in attitudes toward one another and the problems ensue. When a spouse feels that his or her needs are not being met, some turn to their work, others to drugs or alcohol and many to the arms of another man or woman.
There are others who engage in an affair or infidelity purely for the sex. They do not want their relationship to end, they simply seek the thrill that being with someone else brings. You i think belong to same group. So most likely it is better to tell her that you do not love her and you want out of the marriage then to tell her truth which will humiliate her unnecessary.

Answer 4

first you should be ashamed of yourself because this woman has given you 3 children and an 5 years of her life, and this is how u repay her. your prob is that u have been with your wife but u dont value or respect her because if this affair has been going on for four years and you have been together five then your whole marriage is a lie. You need to tell her so she dosent give any more time to your sorry azz. you ont love sex with this other woman more you love the idea of someone who prob looks better than you wife and dosent have three chilren to give her attention to so she can staisfy you at your convenience. this a sorry excuse Not only do you not respect your wife for all she has sacrificed you are inconsiderate selfish and nor do u value the sanctity of marriage.Tell her an hope she doent kill you becasue I would, I wish u no good luck that she will forgive u and take u back, u dont deserve it.

Answer 5

I believe every woman has the right to know. Is it wrong to cheat? Absolutely! You say you love your wife but, I disagree. A person who loves their wife doesn't find the comfort in someone else's arms or bed in your case. I think you are afraid of being alone. I think you are insecure and need someone to make you feel like a man. You are a boy that needs to grow up and love and respect his wife. How would you feel if your wife was sleeping with another man and she said it was just sex and you are the one she loves? How do you know that she doesn't know and maybe is two timing you? "He who laughs last, laughs best" One last thing, how would you feel if you children found out that you cheated on MOM? You are not only affecting your wife but your kids as well. You need counseling.

Answer 6

Wow. You're only married to one person. That's supposed to be the only one you have sex with for the rest of your life. But since you've already done what you've done, just kick the old habit and stick with the vows. I really think that's the way to go here. About telling your wife, just think about whether or not she'd want to know. If my husband cheated on me and I never found out, I couldn't be too mad, could I? Ignorance is bliss, but there are MANY people out there who would rather know. So be sensitive to your wife, not to your own feelings. But if you've been having unprotected sex just keep in mind that one day you may find that you don't have a choice.

Answer 7

This is not a problem.

Yet!

But because you are not a playa like me, you have made a big mistake by boasting about having two women in your life in a feeble bid to try and make the other males jealous. This will backfire later tonight when your wife will ask you to spell 'seceratary'. After you fail , your sorry behind will be rapidly removed from the matrimony home and you will have to ask your 'seceratary' if you can move in. Her reply will include statements along the line of 'If you upped my salary when I was shagging you, I'd be able to afford a place big enough for two. But you didn't and I am now shagging your boss. Also please note that I am using the capital 'I' even when I speak.'

Nice move sucker. Now you will be homeless and have NO women to boast about.

And your boss is about to sack you too.

Lifes a beach!

Answer 8

Well, I don't care to be judged or to judge people in general. But you're sure to be called numerous names here.
My father had numerous affairs while married to my late mother and she found out about his affair by accident. It devastated her.
I'm also pretty sure you'll get many other answers here that are better and more articulate than mine.
I'm wondering if you love your wife so much, why are you with this other woman?
I would say it mostly depends upon how you think your wife might take the news. Is she strong-willed?
Actually, I think your wife is bound to find out sooner-or-later. And my dad didn't have the guts to flat out tell my mother. So maybe you should have some guts and tell her.

Answer 9

Oh my god...i feel sorry for you. You have made such a big mess and I'm afraid you will never be able to fix it. You should've stopped the affair shortly after it began...actually you should never have started it, but four years...no, no, no. Yo have a big big big issue to deal with. I hate to be pesimistic, but you will probably end up losing both of them as a result of your own stupidity. If your wife finds out, she will be heartbroken, but if you don't tell her now she will find out in a few years and you will have been wasting her time. Also, there are children involved here...poor things. To find out their daddy has been with another woman since practically before they were born is not exactly a picnic. You have to stop the affair with your secretary now, and then you have to tell your wife everything. Brace yourself, be prepared for anything. The chances are the marriage will not survive, but in the off chance that it does, you would be very very lucky. Prepare for the worst case scenario. You may have to rebuild your life completely after this, but sometimes we just have to accept it if our life takes a big bad twist. I wish you the very best of luck, you will need it...

Answer 10

well if u want to leave her and go marry the secretary u should just tell her... how come your wife doesn't know that u are cheating on her? I mean is she that dumb? Women usually are feeling those things... anyway think what you want most... a wife that u can cheat whenever you want or the secretary... and if u think u love her then I must break the news for you... u don't love her u just got use to her...