im getting fed up?

Question

my fiance and i get on really well and are getting married next year,the problem is his ex who he has a child with. she is always calling on him for favours,asking if he can give her lifts places. im getting fed up with it,surely she should find her own way and stop calling on him,is it just me?

Answer 1

You know it's always hard to accept there is another woman in your relationship, even though it is an ex.(sometimes it's worse when it is the ex).
However, unfortunately you will have to look at what your fiance does for his ex in a different way to how you are now, or this will eventually break you up.
Whether you like it or not he will always have a connection with his ex ,due to the fact that they have a child together.
My ex helps me now and again,and we've been divorced from each other since 1986 and have both married other people.
My children aren't children at 30 and 35 but because they are our children we will always have contact if I or they have a problem.
If you keep complaining about the things he does for them,then he will start to lie to you about the things she has asked of him.
I would imagine that he helps her because she is the mother of his child.Don't feel threatened by this,be secure in the fact that he is engaged to you, and he loves you, so don't spoil that.
He will love you more for being understanding about what he does for his ex instead of making it difficult for him.
You say that other than this, you both get on really well and are getting married next year,so be sure about his love for you,as he wouldn't be getting married to you if he still had feelings for his ex.
Unfortunately, this happens quite often when you get involved with people who have had previous relationships,trouble is none of us can help who we fall in love with.
Try not to let this get you down, there are much worse things you could be worrying about.
Soon you will be his wife and possibly the mother of a child of his, perhaps you will understand how he feels about the well being of his child more then.
He sounds like he's a kind considerate man to be helping his ex, so don't loose him over this, a good man is hard to find you know.Hopefully one day, the ex will find somebody new and then the pressure will be less on your fiance/husband which ever the case may be.
Be patient things will improve, I wish you much happiness in your future marriage.

Answer 2

Perhaps the best way is to see this in reverse. Are you and your fiance able to see his child and take him/her out somewhere - just the three of you? If you do, imagine how she feels on those occasions, no husband, no child and pretty much outside of the whole loop. My guess is that the same is true of you when he goes out with his ex wife and their child - no fiance, no child and you feel pretty much out of the loop?

That being the case the only actual solution is to sit down with his ex wife and agree how you both feel out of the loop when he is with either one of you and the child.

Wouldn't the best solution be that you determine with each other during this conversation exactly what times over a week he is seeing his child and her and that is the arrangement that has to be stuck to. If the wife wants more of his time for any reason tell her that it will only be alright if she contacts you first to arrange such time and if you agrre to such extra time, you will accompany him until the favour you have agreed to is done and then you and your fiance leave.

What it really comes down to is this, the more assertive you are about how she interferes with your future life together at the outset, the harder it will be for her to cross the boundaries you have set.

If your fiance reacts badly to this perfectly reasonable approach on your part to compromise, you will need to assert yourself with him as well. Spell out the boundaries, explain why they need to be there (because from your perspective you want to have a future to build as a couple with a stepchild) as opposed to a threesome with a stepchild!

The more you set this out to both of them, the more you will gain control over the situation and make sure that they both respect you as an individual, with your own life and set of values / priorities.

You will also show both of them that you will not be dictated to or be put upon by accepting these continual favours on his part as a way you wish to proceed.

I would strongly advise you to only marry your fiance if his love for you can accommodate such an arrangement. If he balks at the idea, then he is not really ready to remarry and let go of his wife emotionally, and that is what his reaction will tell you.

Be strong and assertive and stick to your guns!!!

Answer 3

The ex probably should find her own way, but this isn't going to change. If your fiance wants to stay in his child's life, he needs to stay on the mother's good side. This may not be fair, but it's a fact. You need to decide if this is something you can live with without making your fiance/husband miserable. If you can't, don't get married.

Answer 4

No its not u,I have done that to my ex even after a few yrs of not being together.Maybe his ex isnt over him and might still want him back,thats what i think.That is a hard one to deal with and honestly he does have a child with her and he does have a responsibility for that child and if he is helping the mother he is helping the child gotta give a little leeway otherwise u could lose him.If he is willing to help her let him maybe u can try to be freinds with her not to get too close to her but if she needs a ride or something go for the ride too!hopefully that helps a bit and maybe she is over him but is having a hard time does she have a partner or is she a single mom?

Answer 5

I know how you feel, And I cant blame you for the way you feel. Tell your Fiance that you dont feel like she should be bothering you all the time, after all, he ie enguaged to you. And, Try to talk to his Ex about it.It seems like she might be trying to break you two up. And she is using the child for the excuse to keep calling him.I sure hope you can work this out before you get married because if you dont put a stop to it now, She will keep doingit.

Answer 6

OK, does he pay her child support or alimony? I have two children and have been divorced for 6 years - longer than I was married. During our divorce I denied c/c & alimony and agreed to stay in the same town. Problem is that I have no family or anyone to rely on here. My ex-husband loans me his ladder or a vehicle occasionally - last week he fixed my furnace. He's still getting a BARGAIN of a deal when you consider financially he's not being hit with anything. We're friends now and, in fact, I just prepped his Thankgiving dinner for him yesterday - for him and his girlfriend. My questions to you are: is SHE still interested in him? Is the love gone? What are his feelings towards her - just out of obligation? Are the favors to do with the child? Keep all this in mind before you judge - Remember that he will probably choose his child over both of you.....
Chin up kiddo.

Answer 7

I agree with you, actually. It isn't fair. I would definitely recommend having both of your parents present and very politely and respectfully request that you have a talk when they have a minute. When they see that you are serious and going about it the mature way, they should hear you out. As long as you keep your cool and don't name call....etc., but just state your case, they should respond in a mature manner also. Sometimes parents have a tendancy to just dictate and say what needs to be done with little to no arguing allowed. It is hard to communicate with your parents when they are in this mindset. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you! ;) I feel your pain. Smiles.

Answer 8

I am not a marriage counselor or anything but I would say that you have a valid point being upset.

A partner constantly interacting with an ex can be very troublesome.

I would sit your finance down and have a talk about the situation. If you don't do this, the problem will continue and it may lead to bigger issues.

Besides, he shouldn't really be doing that. It's very suspicious.

Answer 9

i bet he is getting fed up as well ask him how he feels and then you can both tell her where to get of but the baby issue is always going to be a problem its is kid after all cant she leave the baby at her mothers or is mothers so he can get access without him having to see her then things should improve only a idea for you to consider good luck with the wedding

Answer 10

I have an ex that i have a child with and i talk to him on a regular basis, I think that it is important for the parents to have a good relationship for the child. He and I are like best friends....now he has a girlfriend and i am single but dating people. how long have they been broken up? do you still think she has a thing for him?