How do I handle my boyfriend sleeping over with my kids in the house?

Question

I have two daughters, 3 and 6. I have been single for 3 years. I am now in a serious relationship, with the possibilty of marriage in the future. My youngest daughter sporadically crawls in bed with me during the night, now that I am not alone, I know that isn't the best idea. She now comes to my room and when she sees us sleeping, she wakes me up and asks me to come to her room. She seems very sad to be losing this time with me. I try to explain to her, but she is only three and doesn't understand. How should i handle this?

Just to clarify. I am very cautious who I have allowed to even meet my children in the past, have never let anyone spend the night before. The relationship has progressed to this point with marriage on the horizon. They spend a lot of time with him and his kids and we do a lot of things as a family. I do not appreciate the self righteous answers that some of you have provided. I am an adult, in an adult relationship. My children come first and have always come first and that is the reason I am looking for a way to handle to most effectively.

Answer 1

Don't have him stay over.

It's a simple situation...

Answer 2

I think schweetum hit the nail right on the head. I would have to agree with her. Your daughter will get confused if the two of you never get married. Also, it sets a bad example morally. I'm divorced, have been for almost 3 years, and I don't have anyone stay over when the kids are here. With the same example, my ex-wife did just what you are doing, and my 12 year old got attached to the guy and then all of a sudden, he quit coming around. My daughter was really attached to this guy and wham, he was gone. That really messed her up, her own words. Sorry, but the kids come first in my book. My wants and needs will come later.
As for your daughter sleeping with you, that's to be expected. You are all she has right now, and she is afraid she might lose you too. Don't try to explain it to her, because she isn't going to understand. She's only 3. There is a lot right now that she don't understand because she is a child. Kids sometimes do things that may seem strange to us, but there are things that the kids are afraid of losing. So, I would say it's time to put your kids first, for you'll have plenty of time in the future for yourself. Kids are only kids once. Good Luck.

Answer 3

You are an dult with a right to your own life BUT it may be best for now for you to not let him sleepover. If you are going to marry this guy a workable solution now is to let him stay a couple hours then leave or sleep on the couch or in another room where its not in the childrens faces that you are actually sleeping together. Do you have the trused network of family or friends that could babysit for you 1 night a week and you go sleep at his house? If he's in it for the long haul he'll understand it may mean less *** but you're doing it for your kids , THEY COME 1ST.

You could use this time to teach your 3yr to stop crawling into your bed at night but you don't want her to think its because of him. Its because she's old enough. If you are positive you'll marry this guy maybe you , him and the kids could start doing stuff together build a relationship, this is new to them so do it slowly don't just let him appear in their lives.

I know its tough but obviously you are not comfortablr thats why you are asking. GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

That's a tough question... if you are SURE (as sure as you can be) that this guy is going to be with you for a very long time I'd talk to your daughter and mention that it's okay with both of you (the man and yourself) if she crawls in bed with you. She has only ever known you as a single parent, so this is a big change for her. Your boyfriend can help by being open to your daughter visiting you in bed, too. Don't discourage her from doing this! This is important time to her and she needs you... she's only three. Encourage her to crawl in with you and talk to her while she's there... make it a positive thing, and there shouldn't be any problems. Good luck!

Answer 5

Your boyfriend should not sleep over when your girls are home. When you are married of course but until then,no. Your girls will grow up so fast right before your eyes and you will miss the times they wanted to sleep with you so much. This is one of the ways children learn their self-worth. No matter how you try and explain it to them all they see is you would rather have a man in your bed than them. I'm sure your boyfriend will understand if not he's not someone you would want around your girls anyway.

Answer 6

you might want to put a lock on your door. Explain what you are doing to your children before doing this. A friend of mine had to do this, and it seemed to work for her. I don't think you'll ever feel completely comfortable around the subject. I know I never did, and still don't. I am around 50 as is my boyfriend. My son is 16. And like you, it took me almost three years before any sleepovers happened. I am not terribly comfortable with it, but hope to soon.

Answer 7

Don't have him stay overnight with your children in the house, this one's easy. You're telling your very young, and very impressionable children by your actions that pre-marital sex is ok. And while I don't have any problems with it between consenting adults, in 10 years these girls are going to be 13 and 16, and do you REALLY want them to remember that mom's boyfriends spent the night over (and they will remember that, especially the older one, and she'll remind the younger one), so it must be OK for them to have THEIR boyfriends over???? Think about the message you're sending your children here. Your children should ALWAYS be your first priority, until your boyfriend becomes your HUSBAND, and he should understand this is important. Of course your 3 year old doesn't understand this....SHE'S 3!!!!!! And yes, it's definitely NOT the best idea for her to crawl into bed with you at night when there's ANOTHER MAN in bed with you!!! GOOD GRIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 8

As a single parent of three, I do not think your boyfriend should be staying the night with your kids in the house. It sets a bad moral example for them and if you do not end up marrying this man, they will be confused about why you were sleeping with him.

Your daughter sleeping with you is a separate issue, but she still feels the loss since your boyfriend is the reason she no longer does. I would tell your boyfriend that you are not comfortable with him sleeping over and that you must set an example for your kids. If he wants to stay with you, get married.

Answer 9

when your children are in the house its really not a very good idea to have him stay the night. maybe a few hours and stuff but not the whole night, i learned this from when i was little and my mother did that , i still remember how it affected me and i didn't like the guy because of it. it affects children especially if she comes in there one night and sees u naked or catches ya in the middle of something. not unless he is already living with u, if thats the case then when your daughter wakes u up to sleep in her room then by all means do it, she is feeling a little insecure and its up to u to make her feel secure again.

Answer 10

i know the answer to this one!!!

i went through the same thing. i have two boys. 9 and 4. they both are used to coming to my bed and waking me up with cuddling and kisses.
what you do, is always walk her back to bed, soothe her to sleep. then go back to bed. keep doing this regardless if new b/f is there or not. so she doesn't associate the b/f with getting kicked out of your bed. it will be a process and won't happen overnight.
work on extra cuddling time while the b/f is there. such as 20 minutes before bed. the b/f can entertain himself for those 20 minutes. and encourage her to knock before coming into your room. my boys got in the habit of doing this after awhile. they are both fine and adjusted. btw....i am now married to the b/f.

Answer 11

geez that would be hard..... But I think that you should go to her room if that is where she wants you to be even if you do not stay with her, I guess it would show her that you are still there at her becon call, and maybe that will help her sadness until she grows out of that or gets old enough to understand the new arrangement with you and your boyfriend.
Good luck
PS
You should still have a love life as long as your children come first...