is there anything I can do for my friends who just lost their baby?

Question

He was 6 mnths old, and I haven't met the baby, we grow apart in the years (not intentionally). I don't want to go see them, with my baby, and make them feel worse, but I feel guilty not doing anything.

Answer 1

I lost a baby at 4 months. Honestly, going for a visit isnt what they need. You havent seen them for a while, & never met the baby. That time in my life was a haze, and I remember very little. What I do have is a big box of cards that people sent. Just letting me know that they cared and were praying for me. Some people also sent money to help with medical bills, as we were pretty poor & had no insurance. Some people sent gift cards for restaraunts so we could get take-out & didnt have to cook. (If you do that, remember to get the card from somewhere that has car-side pickup, or delivery, and remember to enclose a note sayong you know htey need some time alone, and this way they dont have to deal with groceries & cooking) Dont send flowers, it is just another thing that they have to watch die. I know it sounds dramatic, but even little things like that hurt when the wound is so raw. I threw away all the flowers everyone gave me. I was just so angry and I needed to work thru that. No plants, it is another thing they have to take care of. And, most of all, NO babies to visit. My cousin showed up at my sons funeral with her baby that was 3 days older than mine. I know she didnt mean to hurt me, but I wanted to slap her sensless. Just send a card with some simple words. Say "I know we have grown apart, but I am thinking of you, and love you, and I am so sorry for your loss. Keep it simple and sincere, and they will remember your kindness. I still read all the cards every once in a while, and even tho the pain never ever stops, it makes me feel loved.

Answer 2

I'd send some flowers or a plant first - some bright, cheerful ones with a heart felt message. I'd then follow up in a few days with a phone call and a visit. Find a babysitter for your baby - you can bring him/her over at some other time. When you actually see your friend, let her lead the conversation. One of the worst things that I've heard said to someone who's lost a loved one was said a couple of months ago to my sister in law at her husband's funeral. The person told her that he was in a better place. I winced when he said it and immediately thought about how totally inappropriate that was. The husband had died suddenly at the age of 33 in an accident. He had not been ill at all and we miss him terribly. I hope that your support will help your friend get through this difficult time.

Answer 3

Well. This is a sticky situation. I would say since you have kinda lost a connection, I would send her some flowers, a card, or something you can remember that she likes. Then write your number on a card and let her know she can still confide in you. On the other hand, you could wait until she reaches out first. I know I really didin't want to talk about the loss of my child. I needed some time to wrap my head around the fact. So, be patient and you'll know what to do for her.
Peace and Blessings.

Answer 4

Give them time. send some flowers and a card. Do NOT visit. there is nothing worse then all the babies you see after your child has passed away. they seem to follow you everywhere. Let them know that you support them but wait till They are ready to make contact.

Also, don't write stuff like 'God has a reason for everything' and 'These things happen for a reason' or 'It's meant to be', just write how sad you are for their loss, sad that you never met their child, that you are thinking of them, all the trite stuff. they really don't care about you at the moment, they're dealing with their own feelings, so trite is good. then ask them to call you if they need anything, that sort of thing.

Hope this is helpfull, from one who knows.

Answer 5

Makes me cry to just read about this... if anything were to happen to my baby I wouldnt be able to handle it. They must be distraught. You should do something to let them know you share in their pain, but you are right not to bring your baby to see them. I would go in person, give lots of hugs and let them cry on your shoulder. That's all you can do. Right, DONT say anything like 'it was time' or 'they are in a better place'. I would be very angry if someone said that to me, even though I believe in heaven. When my best friend miscarried twins I fought hard to say something like that as I think it would just be worse. I acknowledged her pain, and said I had her in my prayers. When she started to tell me she felt it was her fault, I then stepped in and said NO, it wasnt your fault and you better not think that. But otherwise, no words are really needed as your presence alone shows that you care. Bring some food because they wont feel like eating and certainly wont cook, but they need to do 'normal' things so as to make time pass. With each day that goes by, hopefully things will get better for them.

Answer 6

that is so awful. i would go visit them and give them a hug and just simply say "i am so sorry and i am here for u", your right not to take your baby though. thats pretty much all u can do. don't ever say things like "it was his time" and "he's in a better place", try not to say too much, because people are very sensitive at this time and things may be taken the wrong way. u really don't want to hurt these people any more than they already feel. its ok to let them talk about their baby.

Answer 7

I just went through this with a friend of mine...she lost her newborn last august on the same day our other friend became a father it was a very awkward time...you can visit her but im sure she's being bomb barded by family and friends which sometimes can make it worse.....make your visits kind of short but grieve with her...share her tears...when this happened to my friend i didn't even try to say anything uplifting i didn't try to say he's in a better place..or it was his time or anything along the lines (things like that are better brought up when the emotions arent so raw& she wants to discuss it)...i just wrapped my arms around her....gave her a huge long hug and cried with her...sometimes there is no place for words in this world and this would be one of those times..but..try and let her know if she needs anything that you're there for her....don't just visit once...you can kind of "check -up " on her by bringing her some food or anything she might need....it's going to take your friend awhile to be OK again so just check on her every once in awhile...talk about some of the old times when you were friends...but id make the visits short at first until she hints around to wanting company more frequently.....try not to ask her if "she's OK" a bunch of times...because every ones going to do that...& i would not bring your baby around or discuss children unless she wants to & you should pray for her &her child and her family in private ( you can do this with them if they are extremely religious)good luck with everything,god bless.

Answer 8

It's very difficult to lose a baby. While seeing another baby may sting, it also helps console someone who just lost one of their own. If you are still not comfortable with bringing the baby, go over by yourself and try to give her a break from her troubles. DO housework for her, bring over dinner, etc. It feels wonderful to have a friend looking out for you when you're in need. This will probably strengthen your realtionship.

Answer 9

If the lady had other kids babysit them for her or do her laundry or make a meal for her. She needs time to grieve and its best that she doesn't have to worry about chores. If you live far away from her send some flowers and a card with a heart felt message. Don't give her the lame card that only has one line saying "With sympathy for your loss, I'm so sorry"

Answer 10

Yes. There's a great support group online and has places all over the USA.
...............The Compassionate Friends.........for those who suffer the loss of a love.

They helped me talk again, helped me learn how to function again, they helped me learn how to write about it without crying, and they taught me that all children are valued...regardless of the time we have them...........all misscarriages, stillbirth, sudden infant death, car accidents, war, and cancer.

My daughter Susan (s/b 12/22/1988)...see I learned how to write it and they said you will find ways to honor her.....so when I went to Walt Disney World this year, I chose to buy a brick ...in her memory as this is the place I would have taken her. I also donated a bible in a church, donated vestments to a priest in another church...and got a plaque in her memory when they built a new catholic school. Parents, friends and relatives will find a way to honor ...........the loss of a love.

You are right...if you go to see them with their baby if they haven't gone to a support group, will make them feel worse.

A nice card, or a plant sent to their home with the words "we share in your loss of your love"...will really help. I kept reading and rereading the cards, and the compassionate friends support meetings helped me to function again with my friends and go back to work.

We all have the 5 stages of grief:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining - if only I did this, that would not happen
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

We work at our own pace............I'm the one in the back of the church ...right before Christmas....crying...silently.