Trouble marriage - what to do?

Question

My husband and I finally lashed out at each other physically last night after threatening each other with divorce for the past few mths. He makes me feel like an unfit mother which has never helped the fact that I've had health issues since her birth. We're financially not doing too good either and he's not concerned. He's older than I am and has no savings, no retirement plan, no back-up plan. Neither do I but I am 10 yrs younger than him and have started to remedy the situation. I worry constantly. He works retail and is content with the hours (he works every weekend and some evenings) and the pay. He just hasn't snapped out of his bachelor-like lifestyle since our daughter was born. He lives his life day after day which makes no sense with a kid. He has no ambition for us and does nothing to better our life. I convinced him to go back to school for his BA which he drags his feet with. I don't know what to do anymore. Last night was the worst "exchange" ever. I can't do this anymore.

Answer 1

Since you never mentioned LOVE, I assume you don't love him

Looks like you should move on, and find someone else who shares your dreams and goals.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Sounds like your plates pretty full.....
Whether your husband wants to admit it or not, he's more stressed than he knows what to do with. He's probably going through a hard time with the new baby and all and needs your support. He might be ten years your senior, but he's less mature. You should know that. For awhile, try and be the strong one. If you want to give your relationship a chance someone's got to do it. And you're the one reaching out...
Don't, under no circumstances, get physical again. This'll only make things worse. Take the baby and go somewhere next time and come back when things have cooled down.
Just you talking about this on Yahoo, is a step. You know there's a problem, so just stay focused and have patience. If he loves you and the baby, he'll come around and then you can talk about your future...'
Good luck!!

Answer 3

Try to relax, for a moment. EVERY marriage goes through rough times, even great marriages. I'm certain that even folks that qualify as saints, occasionly feel the urge to beat their spouse silly; and though saintly, occasionly drive THEIR spouse crazy. No relationship is perfect. You have a full plate. A young child, and your own health problems. Toss in economic problems. All you need to do is hit the lottery. That'll take care of most of your problems. But, just in case you miss, you have three basic choices. One. Divorce and or murder. While decent people reject homicide, I wanted to deal with the full range. So, Divorce? Keep that as a last resort. Two. Give up, and just live day by day, and hope for the best. Three. Hope husband starts to make long range plan, but accept that he may not. So, perhaps YOU can handle that part of the marriage. Of course, you can't do it alone, but if your husband isn't going to do it, or help, you CAN do it alone. You'd have to accept that your husband isn't perfect. You'd probably have to work harder and differently than you expected. But you are changing, probably for the better. You are becoming a mature adult and parent. The downside of that is that it can be overwhelming. You ARE wrong. You said in your last sentance, that you can't do this anymore. You CAN do it. The question is Do you want to? Do you love him? Does he love you?

Answer 4

it is not good when to adults let alone parents hit out at each other.
try talking to him about it. if you are really not happy then it is time to start putting things into place to leave and start looking after you and your daughter. yes it would be hard but could you really live from day to day when you have the responsibility of a child?
if you can sort it out then good for you, that option wont be easy either, it is going to take a lot of hard work from both of you.
don't put up with being physically abused, neither a man or a woman should do this there are options open to you all you need to do is ask for support and plenty of people will help you

Answer 5

You are putting a lot of energy into what your husband is not doing. What are you doing for yourself and for the relationship? You knew how he was before you married him and sadly you thought that he would change. People don't change so you have to accept them for the way that they are. It sounds like you don't like the way that your husband is. Age doesn't matter. Just because he's ten years old than you doesn't mean that he should be have those things that you mentioned. I think if you love him and want to be with him then you have to seek help from a professional. Meanwhile, you are going to have to leave until you both get help for the verbal and physical violence. It isn't healthy for your child.

Answer 6

Baby your story is painful ,i think u own ur daughter the responsiblity of a bright future ahead and not becos your husband has a useless future your daughter should also have one. i think ur major concern is how to give your daughter the best all round.and the atmosphere u both had at home is not just the best for a growing up child .i think any man that can raise his hand a mother is a breast and breast don't live with people.seperation will not be a bad idea that might make him face the reality and have him sit up but if no change ,girl u are still young don't tight ur self down to bitterness for life.
good luck

Answer 7

Time for you to give him an ultamatum (sp). You have another person to think about now and that should be the first and foremost on both your minds. If he does not snap out of it, time to take the next step and contact a lawyer.

I remember the first time my wife gave me the ultimatum (it did not involve children though). She told me to get my butt in school or she was leaving. That was when I was 21, and now I am 37. I have a Bachelors and a Masters and a decent family life.

It's time you get what you want. Post the ultimatum.

Answer 8

If you can't do this anymore, then you know what you have to do. One thing you can't change him. so stop trying! You knew the whole time what type of person he was, I guess you thought you could change him, and he will be alright, well it does not work like that. Now you have to think of you and your child, that has to be your concern. If you want more out of life, then you have to move forward. I do not think I have to say any more, you know what you have to do! I hope you can work this out, also ask God for guidance, he will steer you in the right directions!

Answer 9

Make your plan and work your plan. What is it that you want from him? Getting ambition is not very specific. First and foremost, it is a terrible thing for a child to know that their parents verbally and physically abuse each other. It damages them severely.
Can you require counseling to see if there is a way the two of you can agree on a plan for your lives together? (BTW, hounding him, if that's what you did, to agree to get a BA is not a plan.) If not, separation may be the only option.

Answer 10

he isn't willing to make it better for u or your child, he is content with it being the way it is. sometimes it is best to just move on as life may never change with him. no ambition doesn't mean u will have a very good life with this man. he is not concerned about the normal things a man needs to worry about, he is probroly not the man u want to spend the rest of your life with, start planning to end the marriage if u can't get him to go to counciling with u.

Answer 11

Marriages are all about two being commited to the relationship. Sounds like he might be stuck in his youth ....... even though he's older. I would immediately start planning for your own future and that of your daughter ..... he doesn't appear to have desire to look forward into your futures.