Want a divorce but has no courage...?

Question

I have a husband who has very high expectations of me as a wife. If i ever did anything slightly wrong, he will come down on me like a ton of bricks! hard! He will mentally and emotionally abuse me like shouting at me and yelling at me, telling me to pack my bags and leave, telling me i am a no good mother and a useless wife, along with other unusable descriptive terms to describe me. I have been putting up with thiis for 10 years for the sake of my children and i am afraid i can't tolerate anymore. i often think of divorcing him but cannot bring myself to do it because of the children and what i have to face as a single mom. I am not working and have gotten use to a certain lifestyle. Please tellme what to do....

Answer 1

"Leave him" is good advice honey, but thats easier said than done.
I suspect that because this man has mentally and emotionally abused you your self-esteem is at rock bottom.
You think you can't make it in the world as a single mum... you'll never cope financially... you can't do it the children...
HE has made you think like this and you have to escape and start to live your life before it's too late.

Can I just tell you that you CAN leave... You CAN make it as a single mum... You CAN cope financially... Your children will be BETTER OFF without living in this environment.

I know it seems much easier to stay in an abusive relationship when you have children and a nice lifestyle than to leave all your security behind and start again with nothing but you are far stronger than you give yourself credit for really you are.

You probably run your beautiful home single-handedly and you probably look after your children very well with little or no help from your husband. In fact, what you don't realise is that although your self-esteem is low, you are indeed a very strong lady to be able to live with this man and cope with all his demands day after day after day- you CAN do this alone.

Firstly, if you have a good lifestyle and you don't work that probably means your husband earns a reasonable salary to support you all... he has to maintain his children and help provide a home for them if you split... IT'S THE LAW.

Men are notorious for telling women they will never cope they will have nothing- and of course they will make sure of that.
Listen to me... Men like this will say anything, call you names, make you feel like you are a worthless no-body just so they have control over you. In reality they are lno more than insecure little boys who get their kicks over having power over the one person who adores and loves them- you're an easy target for him. He feels like he controls you and that makes him feel good- what a prick!

Your husband can say all he likes but In reality the law protects you and your children and you WILL have enough to live on... depending on their ages and if they live with you, you could claim the house in any divorce setlement. At the very least-you are legally entitled to half the possesions. Just because you don't work means nothing- you have been the home-maker, you've had his children, no judge in the land will not be on your side!

Come on girl.. show this man that you will not stand for being buillied any longer.. throw HIM out. Wait till he's out of the house all day... pack his things throw them out on the street and change the locks before he comes home! BE STRONG!
If you can't face that then you could actually consult a solicitor and possibly get an injunction so HE has to leave your home if you can prove that he has been abusive. You'll have friends who will testify to this I'm sure- thats all you need. DO IT

Get yourself sorted, show your children that you love and care for them but you will not be bullied. They will respect you so much more as they grow up- what kind of example are you setting them living the way you do right now?

You WILL be able to start again... make sure you get everything you are entitled to financially- ok, you might have to get back to work, but it only seems scary because you have no sense of self-worth- you CAN do it!

You might look back to right now in 5 years time and be in such a happier place, your only regret will be that you didn't have the courage to do it sooner.

You deserve better than the life you have. You will meet someone one day who will love, cherish, appreciate and above all, respect you.

Go for it & good luck!

Answer 2

This is my situation. I was married to my ex for well over 5 years. He cheated on me more than once. I let the first time go as I thought we were great again. We had our first child together and he cheated some where around when my son was 1. So a couple of years pass, were doing great, and we decide to have another child. I get pregnant and a few days before I had our second child I found out he cheated on me again. I was pissed and sad and everything in between. I stayed for a year to see if I could make things work for my kids but I couldn't. I couldn't talk to him, sleep in the same bed with him or anything I slept on the couch. I just told him I loved him because he was the father of my boys but I was no longer in love with him and I wanted a divorce. I had a car while we were together which my parents had gotten for us since we had no ride but he decided that he needed a ride more than me ad gave my car back. We never had a house, we just rented or lived with family or friends. and as for bills e took what was his and I took what was mine. Getting a divorce from him was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am happy now, very happy a

Answer 3

The first thing you must do is get out of your mind that you are staying in the marriage for the children. You are not. They are, in fact, being damaged by being in a family where abuse is commonplace. Children need both parents in their lives but are severely damaged when they see one parent abuse the other. Why? Because they learn that's acceptable. Second, the fear of the unknown (life after marriage) is huge isn't it? You must balance the needs of you and your kids against the damage being done to you and to them. I can tell you, from years working in children's homes, that children are severely damaged by what they are experiencing and it takes a great deal of help for them to recover. The longer they are exposed to the toxicity, the greater the damage.
Find a trusted counselor, a minister, an attorney, priest and talk with them. They can guide you on how to proceed. I'd look toward a day when you tell your husband the abuse is going to stop and it will be stopped by him or by you and you are prepaed to separate if that's the only way it can be stopped. If he refuses to get help, which he'll need to stop, you carry out your plan for separation. You do understand that your husband is responsible for child support and will be whether there is a divorce or not, right? Lord help you. You do NOT have to live with abuse.

Answer 4

You already know the answer to your own question its just how you go about doing it and when to do it. Arm yourself with evidence - record the rows secretly, hire a detective if you can face it. What are you doing that's so wrong? Again you know the answer to this so if your not doing anything very wrong he's just using you as his emotional dumping ground. If he is telling you to pack your bags he either does not think your strong enough to go through with it or he wants a divorce too. Either way you need to move out to get his respect back even if its for a month. If he doesn't realize that he's been taking you for granted and ask you to come home then you know you need to get a divorce. Don't make it easy for him make sure you have some evidence of your troubles for the divorce lawyers. Be strong, you life will blossom again.

Answer 5

Wow! for your own self-esteem and sanity you need to divorce him. Do you have anyon eyou could stay with? Maybe you and your kids can go to your parents or a brother or sisters home. A friend? anyone would be better then going through that. Or tell him if he doesnt change his ways you are done. Tell him you do not appreciate the way he treats you and you do not need to put up with it anymore. Do what is best for you and your kids. and that doesnt sound like its him. You only live once-remember that. Do you want to waste your life being unhappy? You could be so much better in a different situation. You should be able to enjoy life. and be able to be a good mom to your kids and i know its hard to be a good mom when you feel depressed or unhappy a lot. its up to you as hard as it may be- to get yourslf out of this. It will be hard but after its all done you will be glad you did it im sure.

Answer 6

as a single mum would you have to put up with a man shouting at you, disrespecting you, telling you that you are useles etc?

No - it would be YOUR life and you would be in control of it. Even the sh***y times. But better those are your own sh***y times than to put up with one more day of someone else controlling your destiny.

What harm would be done to your children if they continually see this emotional abuse of their mother? what does it tell them? you dont say if they are boys/girls.
BUT - if you have boys then they will learn that it's ok to treat women so disrespectfully. If they are girls - then they are learning to be submissive to men and not to treasure their own minds and bodies.
You thought you were staying for the sake of the children. Actually you should be leaving for the sake of the children.

Get out ... now. Get some support from a voluntary organisation - there must be one in the phone book.

I wish you well.
x

Answer 7

Kid are never an excuse to stay in a relationship. Staying in an abusive situation may just 'confuse' your kids as they may start accepting that that is how a man should treat his woman and grow up doing the same thing, you are teaching your boys to be abusive and your girls to have very low self esteem an accept this crap from men. As their mom you are obligated to try to provide the dest safest environment from them there is no law that says it has to be done with their father. In this case a healthier environment for the kids would be if you are seperated.

You did not sy if you were 'marketable'. But if you don't work this may be a good time to get a job.A good place to start is to speak to your family first someone who can help you plan a network if you ASK FOR A DIVORCE.. You'll need their help to arrange where you'll stay, help you get a job, help you seek out and consult a good divorce lawyer etc so when you ask fora divorce you'll have a back-up plan worse if the divorce and custody battle turns ugly you'll need all the support you can get. I don't mean that you should tell your whole family just maybe your parents or a very close sibling who you know will be there for you. You are used to a certain lifestyle but your sanity and esteem are too high a price to pay.

If you divorce him you will not be a single mom. The courts will order him to pay child support(maybe alimony). You will be a happier mom who is seperated from her children's father. Mybe he himself wants a divorce but don't want to ask for it. Try to find out all you can about your husband's finances so you get a fair judgement at the divorce but don't turn this into a money battle remember this is about your sanity and well being.

Think about it, if you have a daughter and she was in the same situation what would you tell her to do? We usually give our kids the best advice we can so take that advice yourself. You'll be a much better mother for doing this. If you get divorced try to maintain good quality relationship with your kids and don't try to turn them against their father. Just be there for them everthing is going to be different and maybe difficult for a while.

I don't think after 10 years talking could help but as a last straw maybe you could talk to your husband about marriage counselling. If you don't have the guts to ask him, maybe you could sit down and write all that you are feeling, be sure to emphasize the love you have for your family but don't downplay the hurt he's causing you, just pour everything out and ask for a divorce(write until you feel that you've said everything). It may be a good idea to put the letter somewhere where he will see it while you and the kids are maybe at your parents or so for the weekend and brace yourself for the fireworks.Once you ask for a diborce stick to your decision seek out support groups if needed and you'll be glad you did. Maybe it will get worse before it can get better.

Good luck with your decision and remember emotional abuse usually leads to physical abuse.

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Answer 8

I'm sorry to say that you indeeds deserve the despite & yelling from your husband because you don't want to make a change in yourself.

Why are you allow yourself to be mentally tortured by your husband? Just because of your children and you choose to tolerance, and end up DEPRESSED! You could have change your fate and you will lead more happier life and a cheerful person.

Listen to me, have a change in yourself :

1) Do not become housewife anymore, pls find a job for yourself so that you have your own earnings and if anything happens on you, you have back up financial at your own.

2)Do not fear your husband from now ons. Have your own principals and yell him back if you are sure you DID NOTHING WRONG.

3) If he ever yells and telling you to pack your bag and leave, DO IT IMMEDIATELY and stay at your parent's house for few days. If he simmers down, he will definately look for you. But I doubt so coz he is an ego man. Wait to see any miracle by 3 days. If he doesn't even bother to look or call you, I think you should seriously think whether you need to file divorce or not.

4) Learn some skills to upgrade your knowledge and mix with new social friends. Not to forget to grooming yourself by dressing up regularly & have a new hairdo.

5) Silent war with him and DO NOT SERVE him until he knows how to RESPECT you as his wife. You should also learn on how to irrespect him (just like how he treats you).

These are just merely guidelines for you to build up your self confidences. If you wish to find your real happiness, fight for it and try my solutions. You will see the miracle.

Answer 9

Oh, my GOODNESS. I can feel the pain in your words. PLEASE believe in yourself. Do you think it is healthy for your children to hear him call you worthless? Ten years ago, I was divorced and was scared to death that I couldn't provide a decent life for my daughter, but I did and she and I are happier today for having made the change. In the beginning it is really different, lonely and scary....but you will find that there are all kinds of support groups out there for you---and they realize that you have to have care for the children, so they provide that so you can go and get recharged. In addition,though, you have to decide which is your preference---do you value your quality of life (that is, your HAPPINESS) or your opportunity not to have to work outside the home more? The truth is, if you're going it on your own, you have to go to work and your children will have to have care. Period. But do you know how many people have come from that situation and become wonderful adults? It has no bearing on today's society---in fact, it's the norm for people to be in care in the U.S....so don't think that you are doing your kids such a disservice to leave them for work. My daughter and i are closer than anyone would imagine, and I was careful to spend good quality time with her when i wasn't working--and still do. It hasn't made on iota of difference in our relationship....but it has been stressful for me at times to keep everything organized. But honey, it's way better than being abused----and that is what he is doing. The other response was correct---he will have to support you until you can get on your feet....but not until you see an attorney (many of them take your case for free until you get a judgment) and formally start proceedings. I know it seems daunting, but you can change your life so much for the better! My suggestion: fix yourself up, put on makeup and a decent outfit (he'll probably hate this and accuse you of seeing someone else), take your kids to a friend's or family member's house and go see an attorney who specializes in divorce (see the phone book--there are a ton of them---call and explain your situation and ask for a free consultation, they do it all the time) and get some GOOD INFORMATION about your rights and privileges. Then, you can make a good decision....but I think you already know what you should do, for your own sake AND that of your children, who every day get a horrible vision of marriage and love from seeing him abuse you---and who someday will probably think this is all they deserve too, if you stay.

Good luck to you, dear; I hope you have the courage to take the first step and breathe free for the first time in a long time. you won't regret it, I promise.

Answer 10

Get your priorities straight....the kids don't need to witness and eventually emulate his behavior. If you are considering a divorce the either do it or let go of the thoughts and live your life as it has been.

As for the lifestyle you have become accustomed to that is low on the list. The kids and your emotional and mental health should take priority.

You can get child support, possibly alimony, discuss your problem with an attorney and pay cash for the visit so your husband doesn't see a bill.