What do you think?

Question

Deep within the dank halls,
The rhymical pump of time
Forever shines the lights that be.

Mixed with crimson of anger,
Amidst the azure of sadness
Poses the white of integrity.

Strong is the scent of childhood,
Robust the smell of fired bread
Finds the aroma of erotic innocence.

Soft are the delicate seeds of cotton,
Pliant is a young virgin to her lover
Unassertive find the child of benevolence.

Tranquil are the strains of Strauss,
Hushed are the beats of a childs’ heart
Gentle discovers the thrum of intimacy.

Luscious are the fruits of life,
Saccharine are the kisses of beloveds
Tender reveals the souls that breathe.

Answer 1

oh, have you been playing with your magnetic poetry set? You've got some really fabulous lines in there. But to me they felt a bit disconnected from each other. Like you picked all your favourite lines and squeezed them into a poem. There's too many gems in there like "robust the smell of fired bread, finds the aroma of erotic innocence." There was also some stuff which didn't work for me at all...........Azure! Yuk get that word out of there! Actually you could lose that whole verse and not adversely affect the work. Not sure about the pliant virgin and "unassertive find the child of benevolence"??? what???

You know what would be an interesting exercise with this. Take all those great lines and images and write a poem short around each individual one, . All together they are too distracting, the reader can't properly ponder any of them, it's like having too many pictures on a wall, they detract from each other.

Good work though, keep it up.

Answer 2

Beautiful wordings with deep meanings, but wonder if people will care to read and understand. But those who will understand will appreciate. Keep writing.