How "fluid" is one's sexual orientation over time?

Question

Do straight people always remain straight throughout their lives? Do gay people find happiness in a heterosexual relationship? Do bi people have a sort of on again, off again aspect to their sexuality over time?

Answer 1

There are several documented (and quite a few more undocumented) cases of people whose sexuality has, indeed, changed over time. These are people who experience a real shift in their sexuality- they weren't in denial about anything, or really bisexual and didn't know it- they merely woke up one day and realized, with some shock, that their attractions had changed. I've heard first-hand accounts of tried 'n' true lesbians who found themselves turned into straight women- no bisexual phase edging them back, no history of heterosexual feelings whatsoever in their lives before this. It just happens like that sometimes.

That's what leads me to believe that sexual orientation is not genetic, but neither a choice- your desires come from many places and are the result of a complex pyschosexual makeup that is part personality, part experiences, and yes, part of your own willfullness. But you cannot consciously change your desires- if that happens, it does so on its own, and why- I'm still not really sure.

However, most people- and I'm talking most, as in a huge majority- never experience such shifts. They may be in denial and later come out (whatever way- gay, straight, bi), or be a (unbeknownst to outside observers) bisexual who appears to suddenly change, or may simply fall in love with someone they wouldn't usually (love, of course, being gender-blind). But mostly people stay the same.

I suppose the question you ought to be asking is not whether sexual orientation can change, but rather what limits to fluidity there are within sexual orientation. I've heard of lesbians who still identify as such- but sometimes sleep with gay men (but not straight/bisexual men). What's your take on that? It's this sort of intriguing question that is really what you're after.

So, to answer your question- sexual orientation can be, but more often than not is, fluid over time. Most straight people always remain straight throughout their whole lives, but some do change. Some gay people can find happiness in heterosexual relationships (like the whole love-is-gender-blind idea)- though whether you still call them gay is debatable in some people's eyes (not mine). Bi people are no different than gay or straight- if they do have this on-again, off-again aspect of their sexuality, the chance of it occuring is the same as for the others, like I described above (i.e. going from one side to the other).

Hope that helps; it's kind of a complex topic.

Answer 2

Yep, people shift around a fair bit.

Just out of people I know, there are a couple of older married guys who are completely committed to those relationships, and have had children and all, but are nevertheless gay (as I would use the word). Neither of them is really comfortable talking about it, they seem to feel that calling themselves gay would take something away from their dedication to their families.

I know two women, one 28, one 47 and with children, both have had long-term relationships with men that came to amicable ends, and now want to find same-sex partners.

There's a gay couple who don't sleep with each other, mostly because one of them is a priest, but are in a long-term and completely committed relationship. Gay in name, but sort of nothing in practice.

Um, and one bloke who dumped his 10-year-strong boyfriend for a woman. Now happily married. Oh, and a lesbian who had a 2-year fling with a guy, but is single now.

I don't know anyone who'd calls themselves bi since they were about 22, so can't help you there - once they have a long-term partner it stops being much of a talking point ;)

Answer 3

Personally I think str8 people are born str8 and can not become gay - sure they can try having a gay relationship with somebody but that does not mean they are gay! I think gay people are born gay and they can not become str8 just because they want to. Sure they can have a str8 relationship but that does not mean they are str8. I was married, I had sex with a women, I never liked it, I never wanted to do it, my xwife always had to initiate it. I got married to a women because I grew up in a society that told me that was what I was to do - when a boy grows up he gets married to a woman and when a girl grows up she gets married to a man and they have children. When I was growing up I did not know what gay was, I honestly thought I was the only male that felt the way I did - that I had sexual feelings for another man. So I tried to hide those feelings and one way I felt I could hide them the best was to get married. After all nobody would think I was gay if I was married to a woman! Anyway those are my thoughts on it for what they are worth. Hope this is helpful for you! *hugs* JAC<

Answer 4

I think people change if only by becoming more honest with themselves...I was in a long term straight relationship and I really loved her...but I just 1 day admitted to myself that I was gay. I can only attest to my own feelings here..I really have no idea how other people's sexuality ticks.

Answer 5

Sir Lancelot,

I'm guessing you are heterosexual or you probably wouldn't have asked the question. With that assumption, let me ask you ... Do you see any possibility of yourself ever straying from heterosexuality? Have you found happiness in your heterosexuality, or are you having an on again, off again aspect to your sexuality?

Ponder this, and it should be an answer to your question.

Answer 6

Well mine was never fluid . 40 years have come and gone and I am as queer as I ever was. I never been with a woman and never will. that would be so FREAKY and weird.

If a gay person starts in a straight life, then they are phony and living a lie. their essence isgay and they ought to be with a guy not a girl. there is no gray area. It's a black & white, cut & dried issue. No ambiguity there.

Answer 7

Sigmund Freud, as well as many other psychologists, believe that everyone is bisexual to a certain degree. it's an interesting theory really, to think that perhaps we all interested in the opposite sex at least a bit and instead of that making us a different type of person, perhaps we're just registering the feelings that others dont notice or dont know they can you know?

just something to ponder

Answer 8

VERY, VERY difficult question.

I am male, have ALWAYS been attracted to men.

When I was younger, I had sex with woman as well; even though I believed myself to be gay. I always enjoyed sex with woman.

More than 10 years ago, I stopped having sex with woman. Subsequent to that my attraction towards woman have waned. Can I be MORE GAY now? I do not know.

My main attraction has however always been men, and it is just that my attraction for woman has decreased.

Answer 9

i would like a time when labels no longer existed and there was just a sort of queer fluidity and it didn't matter whether you liked girls or boys or boys who used to be girls and everything just... was. i think people are sexualy fluid but to feel that you have to jump from label to label, box to box makes gay and straight people lock themselves in. can't we all just be queer and get on with it?

Answer 10

My sexual fluids are oriented to any time.