How do I manage this anger/stress issue ?

Question

From my childhood, I have been an aggressive person. I do not think twice before reacting to any situation. In just explode to it based on what my mind thinks. I do not think what the other person would feel about it. Though most of the cases I react in the right way but aggressively. By doing so many have felt am too spontaneous and my actual reaction though its correct gets faded out.
Now am engaged ! I like my fiancee very much. She is a very calm person and very composed. Right opposite to me. She doesnt get angry at all. thinks a lot before talking. But sometimes when I ask her to come out or meet she just slacks. She keeps busy of her work. Now, the issue is, though I understand I should control myself and not react, I feel stressed by doing so. I am not able to talk to her properly next time. The issue always is back of my mind and revisits me all the time.I don't want to hurt her by reacting aggressively as I normally do but am stressed out. Please suggest me how to overcome?

Answer 1

. There are probably two contributors to your aggressive behavior.
. One is habituation/upbringing. Your behavior is the type of behavior you witnessed growing up and it is the type of behavior you are in the habit of displaying. You may be able to change this by keeping a close watch on yourself, if you are not overly shaped by the second contributor.
. The second major contributor is a deficit or imbalance in neurotransmitters. This can cause chronic behavioral abnormalities, including irritability and depression, which are closely related. If you can find a medical doctor who is experienced in treating such imbalances, and is comfortable with prescribing medication to improve the balance or levels of neurotransmitters, these medicines can be very helpful.
. I have direct personal knowledge of a case of a man whose behavior was similar to yours. He sought treatment after his bad behavior created some very bad social encounters. He now is treated with a serotonin re-uptake inhibitor. His behavior is so much better that he is like a different person. He treats those around him, particularly his wife and family, with much greater patience, and he is a happier person.

Answer 2

Anger is the emotion that as children we are conditioned to respond to with submission, and it's the most difficult to control when as adults we are not able to see beyond the present situation and are harboring some inner anxiety that still needs to be exhausted.

I think if you can just calm yourself by listening to your own breathing, making sure your voice isn't louder than the other persons, that you are still in control of your emotions, then the issue of what it is that is wrong and figuring out how to resolve it will get easier. It is especially important to be listening when you are angry because there is a lot to think about. Why am I so angry, to begin with, and is this something I would forgive in the other person if the situation were reversed?

Finally remember that we as people are always exchanging a certain amount of emotional energy, and although some say that extreme anger is a sign of extreme passion or love, if you can turn that energy into something truly positive, you will respect yourself all the more and will eventually gain the same respect from your loved ones.

Answer 3

First of all -- go to your doctor and get a referral to a good therapist/anger management class - - because you NEED that treatment -- PRONTO!

I can easily state that things will NOT get better on their own - and your fiancee will be hurt in the future (by your own admission) because you have the problem with controlling your impulses -- and act out in violent manners.

After surviving a short disaster of a marriage to someone who 'claimed' he was under control (but in reality -- he DID have anger management issues -- and REFUSED to acknowledge them or get treated) that the violence starts in little ways -- first it is the verbal outbursts, then the mental abuse, the controlling behaviors, and the physical assaults -- with a 'honeymoon' period that shortens in duration after every "I'm so sorry" you think you can get away with.

I am not saying this is you right now -- but from my PERSONAL Experience -- this is what happens when YOU DO NOT GET THE HELP YOU NEED!

I am SCARED for your fiancee -- she has no idea of all the problems ahead of her IF you do NOT get treated, get properly diagnosed, and do NOT stick with your medication management (IF it is needed/prescribed by a Medical Doctor).

DO go to get Diagnosed properly. DO Attend the Anger Management Classes. DO be open to your fiancee -- so that she is WELL AWARE of the problems that can happen and MAKE AN INFORMED CHOICE about whether to stay with you OR to be able to leave (while she still lives and can walk away -- for I, personally was injured and have permanent marks from the abuse).

Answer 4

You've got several issues you are speaking of in this one e-mail, I will address the main one, which is the stress. I am kind of like this, in that I just HAVE to say something most of the time. SO, what I've done is I've learned to wait. In waiting, I find a much better, more constructive way to address whatever the issue is. I am not stressed, because I know for sure that I am going to say something, it's just that I have to wait until I have the right words, and am able to say what I need to say in a non-stressful manner.

Answer 5

First thing I would do is practice thinking more before reacting. Often we are angry because we assume the other person is being mean when they really don't know they did something wrong or have a legitimate excuse. If you think about the possible good reasons for what they did you won't be angry.

But, since your reactions are mostly spontaneous, I would suggest talking to your girlfriend about it. My girlfriend blows up and says stupid things when she gets stressed. We've talked about it and I've told her to blow up at me instead of repressing it or hiding her feelings from me. Hiding them hurts more than seeing her angry. In the end I've come to know and expect that she'll overreact and I'm okay with it since I know it's just her way of venting and not something she really means.

I hope that helps.

Answer 6

Tough question to answer but things are not always as they appear. With a history of insecurity there is no doubt you feel this way. Finding a way to deal with this is challenging but can be achieved. Do some reading, self help books are great and surrounding yourself with positive affirmantions is a great help also. If it helps my husband often looks at other women and does indeed comment about them, I too used to worry but now I just laugh and remind him that his is an old man and that woman would not want him anyway and he is stuck with little old me, or he might light to go and give it a go but don't come crying to me when she laughs. I know it all sounds so simple but it took me along time to get to this, and now I find myself looking and commenting on younger, lovelier men and commenting to hubby. Believe it or not this can be an advantage to married life and keep the excitment up. There is much more I could offer but would be here all day. I wish you luck. Just one more thing, love and respect you, the rest will follow.

Answer 7

I've never believed that people don't have control of their own emotions or reactions. I think, every time a person gets angry, it's because this person "allowed" him/herself to get angry or react any other way. You don't have to agree, but think of it this way: if someone ties you up and deliberately tries to get you angry, and holds a gun to your head. You know they they will pull the trigger once you get angry. Wouldn't you find a way to stay calm? I think, you would. As for a way not to overreact, all you need is a flexible mind. Accept ANYTHING as possible. Here's another example: suppose, you walk into a room, where a table stands on the ceiling. Instead of thinking "WTF is going on here, who did this friggin' thing?", a person with a flexible mind would think "You know, there's something not quite right in this room". That way, you will not jump to conclusions that your way of understanding the world is the only right one. Then, if someone tells you something, and you feel like exploding, because you think they offended you, you can instead look for other ways they could be interpreted - maybe, they didn't mean what you understood the first time, and wanted to say a completely different thing. Just don't treat any of the events around you as having a big impact on your life. Of course, only up to a point, but to get yourself calm, you will have to do that.

Answer 8

Try to control your anger by meditating every day at least for 5 minutes.Every body has got the patience level . Its great that your partner is a quiet person but she also has her own patience limit. No body likes partner who gets angry every now & then.
So best medicine is meditation.
Also getting angry quite often is not good for the health. Hence whenever you get angry consiously count the numbers in opposite order so taht automatically you will cool down.

Answer 9

Be less reactive to events. Act instead of reacting. When something happens not to your liking don't blow steam but instead ignore it. Don't cry over spilt milk. Take on a hobby and do exercise or meditation. These help to remove stress..

Answer 10

Get involved in a sport that allows you to take out your aggressions
on an opponent or one that requires you to work so hard that when you get home you will be . . . too tired to fight.

I took up tennis, and whenever I got ready to explode I would just go out to the court and hit a few hundred serves. Presto! Anger gone.