How do I over come a resentment agains my daughter who go married without me.?

Question

I just found out that my 30 year old daughter got married. She had her step father walk her down the aisle. Of course I am very angry and hurt. This is very big blow to my own self esteen and self worth as a father and as a human being. The main reason for this behavior can be contributed to her mother. I have been divorced for over 24 years and her mother still controls her children and is still as hatefull as she was when we divorced.
My question is how do I overcome this resentment that I now have against my 30 year old daugher? Should I let it go if not what ways do you recommend that I use to overcome my hurt feelings and continue resentment that I now have against my daughter.

Thank You
James Smith
South Carolina

Answer 1

Ok, first of all I am divorced with children and now remarried with step daughters. Your 30 year old couldn't have been much older than 6 when you were divorced.

Now I am not taking sides, but for one minute put yourself in her shoes...the step father is basically the one that raised her, possibly helped put her through college.

Don't blame your daughter, blame the divorce. Both of my stepdaughter's now 15 and 17 have been with me since they were 2 and 4. The 17 year old hates her biological father as he has broken her heart and broken promises to many times.

I have never run their father down to him although he is a dead beat dad, more interested in tattoos, beer, rodeo's, and cowboy clothes than his own kids. With my own daughters I have never ran their mother down to them. If the discussion ever came up, I told them that I didn't hate their mother, but I hated some of the decisions she made for all of us.

Resentment is like cancer, it will eat you alive.

Answer 2

Without any details about how well you played the role of father all these years I can only say that you have to really consider the source on this one. If the mother is really the way you say, and kept you out of her life all this time, don't assume she did it this way to hurt you. She may be under the influence of the mother and step dad. Maybe she has a close relationship with him, and if he had a hand in raising her it's not surprising that she went this route.

I think if you reach out to her and be the bigger person, and at some point ask her why it happened this way, you could both learn something from each other. If you want to be a part of her life in the future with her husband and your grandchildren, you need to learn how to put this aside and work on making the future good for you both. If you get rejected in spite of your calm and peaceful efforts to work this out, then you can be at peace with what you've done and know that it's just her.

She'll come around when she has kids of her own for sure. It changes your perspective regarding how you feel about your parents.

Answer 3

The resentment is yours and your alone. If you take it to your daughter it will only make a sad situation go worse.

I know it must hurt and I think that is where your resentment stems from, hurt and a sense of betrayal. That's understandable. She allowed her step-father to walk her down the aisle and not her father of birth. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It doesn't mean she preferred him over you. It is what it is.

Many years ago, I was faced with the same situation. I found myself in an ugly political family situation. Hurt my mom and stepfather, who both raised me, or honor my father of birth then hurt two other people. I nearly went off and got married in Reno with no parents. But I knew one would be offended or two would be offended. Damn if I do, damn if I don't. I choose my stepfather.

My father of birth was a perfect gentleman about the entire situation. He taught me more about love then, then at any other time in my life.

He showed me how to place principle above personalities and to do so with dignity and grace. I knew my decision deeply injured him, and knowing that hurt me too. But his behaviors and actions afterwards showed me what a lucky daughter I was. He was truly a gentlman.

He died a couple of years ago, and I was the only family member with him. Because he taught me how to honor others, by his demonstration how to, I honored him.

Good luck

Answer 4

it sounds like your daughters mother payed for the wedding and had the upper hand on how it was ran. she probably would have put up a big fuss and ruined her day arguing with you over who will walk her down the isle so to keep confusion down she did what her mother told her. if you can, why don't you have a commitment ceremony for your daughter and her husband and walk her down the isle or give her away and invite your side of the family and have a nice dinner party/reception after the ceremony. but talk to her and forgive her and enjoy your daughter and new son-in-law , tell her your feelings are hurt because you weren't invited to share her special day and this will give you and her a chance to make up and get over hurt feelings and move on to a better relationship.

Answer 5

How involved were or are you with your daughter?

I had my step father walk me down the aisle because he was there when my biological father wasn't.

As my fathers daughter...(my biological one) it didn't mean that I didn't love him. I did invite him to the wedding. He didn't come. I knew better than to ask him to walk me down the aisle because he had never been involved with me growing up. Why set myself up for a let down?

It's not your daughters fault. The divorce was between you and her mother. You can't ask why if you were (and assuming here) not involved in her life growing up.

If you were, and depending on how much her step father was involved in her life and for how long.......nothing will ever change the fact that you are her father. Again, did you act like her father?

Sorry for the assumptions; but you didn't define much.

Answer 6

Well you should at least let her know how much it hurt you. Resentment would probably just push her away I'd tell her how I felt about it and then let it go. If her mom has that much control over her you might as well just be happy with what you can get out of your realationship with her.

Answer 7

I have a question for you myself. All the while of you telling your story here, not one time did you ever say the words that you loved your daughter or that you ever did anything for her or was there for her at all while she was growing up. You didn't say that you paid any child support either. My question for you is if you were there for your child and did all this that I named, why is it that you never said anything about any of it?

I'm not saying that you are a bad daddy or anything like that, or that you didn't do any of this stuff. I'm just saying that you didn't mention any of it when you was telling your story here.

I know that when my own daughter gets married she has no intentions of inviting her own dad as he has never been there for her. He paid child support but that was only because I went to court and forced him into paying it, it was taken out of his pay checks other wise I would not have seen a dime.

I'm not saying that you did not do anything for her or wasn't there for her, all I am saying is you never mentioned none of it and if you didn't do anything for her, then I would say that was the price that you paid for not being there for her when she was growing up. You didn't say that your x was keeping you from seeing her either.

Answer 8

you should forgive her and just be happy for her, she is your daughter. But I would tell her that her actions hurt you, resentment is a bit too much in my opinion though. When she has her own kids she will understand what she did wrong, and she will ask your forgiveness, for now just be happy for her, you are her father.

Answer 9

Let it go...and I suggest you let go of your resentment of her mother as well, I can understand WHY your daughter CHOSE to have her stepfather walk her down the aisle.

Answer 10

That is a hard blow. But how was your relationship with your daughter before the wedding? You could talk to her and express how hurt you are and ask her why she did that.