When is enough enough - when its your mother?

Question

I grew up in a household, with a mother who always told me that I needed to smile and “act” happy. She lived by the motto “don’t rock the boat”. She has been married 3 times – and is working on number 4. I am only 24 – and I am tired. My sister and I were never my mother’s priority, we were never her focal point. After her third marriage failed she was already dating a 29 year old (man) and every night when I was 15, I had to ‘listen’ to them. Having gotten along really well with her third husband, her divorce with him almost killed me – and her new boyfriend was a joke. I moved out by the time I was 16 – I told my mom “Him or Me?” She picked him. – They broke up never being married – and now she is with another man – and already talking about a wedding dress. I get physically ill when hear her voice, when she makes fun of my relationships – when she tells me I sound miserable on the phone – it cause I am talking to her. But I have been trained so well that I have never told her how her life and decisions have affected mine and my sisters lives. I can’t go to anther wedding! I can’t stand to live like this anymore… I am so confused – how do I love someone who hurts me so bad and I keep coming back for more… She flew in – to AZ where I live as well as my grandparents – for thanksgiving – I don’t want to see her… I can’t look at her anymore… why do I think such horrible things about my own mother…. What do I do? Please help.

Answer 1

Because she was never really a mother to you in the traditional sense. She was and is a weak, insecure woman who put her selfish needs above and beyond anything/one else. You feel abandoned and angry, and now that you're an adult, you see how totally wrong your childhood was. I think you should be ok with distancing yourself from her.
There's a good book called "Bad Childhood, Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood: " that tells you how to accept the past, let it go, and move on-- even if moving on means ending contact.

(I recommend this book because my story is included in it.)

Answer 2

My mom isn't so great with life choices either. She's probably never stuck with anything until the end and she picks the worst people to have relationships with. She ran off to Vegas to marry some guy she met on the internet and had been seeing in reallife for two weeks. She told my siblings and I she was in Vegas.

You're not her. You can't make her change. You can't make her see what she's doing. The best thing you can do is try to talk to her. If she doesn't get it you have to learn to coexsist with her becuase shes your mother and you're stuck loving her becuase even though she wasn't a great mother or whatever she was still YOUR mother.

You're losing too much sleep over it. I mean really what you need to do is learn to accept what you can not change.

I mean it seems like your mother has a problem. She probably needs to see a therapist or something. There isn't much you can do or say to help her or change the situation because it doesn't have anything to do with you. It affects you, but it isn't about you. She may not even realize what she is doing.

I'm not saying you should give up or give in, but you can't force her to realize what she's doing. You can't make her change it. You just kind of have to support her and try and find a way to get her to get some help for herself.

Answer 3

Well, ive kinda been in your place when my dad died. I never really felt that my mom cared about me, she just cared about having fun. But the only way you can deal with it is to just forgive her. No matter what she has put you and your sisters through she will always love you no matter if she knows it or not. One day she will hit reality and become a mother. Maybe something happened to her when she was young to make her be like this and to make fun of your relationships. Try forgiving her hun. You have a short life and your mom needs you and your sisters. Try talking about it with her.. or maybe just write her a letter, because i know writing things in paper is a lot easier than saying them on the phone or face to face.

I hope i have helped=]

Answer 4

Be respectful of your Mom, please. When you see her, give her a big hug, tell her you love her & try to have a good visit. Try to talk to her about that stuff, like: When you make fun of my relationships or tell me I sound miserable, I don't like it. Say: Mom, I need some positive comments on my life, too. Then tell her you love her very much, give her a big hug & a kiss. Then start talking about something special & fun you can do together for T-day dinner. Like ask her if she'd like to make something special & different this year for dessert... try something you guys haven't made before? Best Wishes to You. She's your Momma & she needs your love, too.

Answer 5

Your feelings are valid. Express them.
Go to Thanksgiving dinner. You need to end that "Dont Rock the Boat" mentality. If you dont express the way you feel then eventually you will explode from holding everything in.
Blow up now and again. Its theraputic.
Your mother will never realize what she's done to you and doing still if you dont show her.

Answer 6

I know how you feel.
My mum put me in care when I was 13 cos I objected to being pulled up the stairs by my hair by her ex para boyfriend, while she sat there and continued to eat her dinner.
He broke a plate on my head and sexually assulted my 18 year old sister.
I moved 200 miles away as he used to sit outside my flat and watch it and he was stalking my sister.
And surprise surprise I ended up with violent men, I thought it was me, I thought that I made them do it.

So I recently ended up in refuge where I got counselling and it all fell into place.
When I was 16 my Mum was cheating with someone else and take him to my flat for sex while I was at college.

I have nothing to do with my parents, my natural father lives with my 1st husband [this hubby beat me at 7 months pregnant]

Get therapy, it will give you the confidence to make the break

I checked online recently and found that my mum is still with this ex para.

Answer 7

well tell her you respect her as a Mather but if you did not invite them they can not stay in your place because you have your friends come over or you going auto tell that you are a women now and you are able to make you decision.

Answer 8

I completely understand you need to confront her and tell her everything you feel, and if she still does not understand you just need to get her out of your life, as harsh as it seems if she does not care enough for you then you need to cut her out. You will be happier and your life will be just fine without her. good luck

Answer 9

no longer anybody loves their mom the way they ought to. mom's are the most mind-blowing human beings interior the international and benefit this a lot for his or her little ones and anybody else round them. moms quite are God's present to us!