You cant complain if you never had it?

Question

So people always say:
You can't MISS out on something if you actually never had it before.
Like sex for instance. I never had sex before in my life.
And it really eats away-bugs me alot.
I mean it must be good right? Cuz everybody wants it.
And alot of people dig in on the fun of it.
Theyre really enjoying themselves with it (and not just a little bit)And when I see youngsters like 10years younger than me, already kissing, holding hands and being so intimate with eachother.
I just get this sinking-ship feeling around my chest (yes sad isn't it? But compasion is not what Im looking for here ) :p
I mean I know how to put a (ahem) a hand to myself and everything.
But my friends say I cannot complain about, or say I miss it,
cause I never had it before.
How must I take their comments?
Do you agree or disagree? Is it true what they say?
I mean I CAN miss the "intimacy" of being with someone, Can I?
So why can't I "miss" sex then?

Answer 1

I think psychology we feel the miss, but once we get it, then we also feel the sensations involved
CJ

Answer 2

Sex is over rated as a fun activity. I'm middle aged, been there, done that, worn out the t-shirt.
I used to think if I wasn't in a sexual relationship, I was deprived. Now I know there are better things in life; companionship, comfort, love. The sex is just an occasional bit of icing on the cake.
If you're not getting any, you think the whole world is getting it on except you. Listen, intimacy is not about sex. Intimacy is about love and trust and fun and company. If you get to know someone well enough, the sex will follow automatically. The trust builds up gradually between you, and it's a natural progression.
I didn't have sex until I was married at 21. My husband was the first man I had slept with. Be proud of your celibacy, even if for the moment it's enforced!
You will meet someone who will appreciate your purity of mind and body, someone who deserves you.
You sound like you are lonely; well, that's ok. We all need love in our lives; it gives meaning to things, but sometimes when we get lonely, it's tempting to have sex with anyone just to shake off the emptyness for a few hours.
Oh, I know.
You are missing a special person in your life; it leaves a gap that friends can't fill. I'm not going to offer you trite platitudes like "join a club". I bet you know all that stuff already.
What I will say is hang in there. It doesn't last forever. Your time will come. Good luck in your search.

Answer 3

Ah ha! But what if you have had sex before, in another life or existence, and although you may have never experience sex (or anything else) in this life you do have a distant memory of it locked away inside.

It's like, I've never fallen in love with anyone in this lifetime, but I do have a yearning....there is a distant memory that I do know what love is.

It's like saying (of people who have had loveless childhoods) that because we've not had a loving upbringing we don't miss it or need it. So how come the vast majority of people who experienced loveless childhoods spend their life searching for the love they never had? In order to miss or yearn for something we simply MUST had an experience of it at some time or another. If not this life, then.....

....or perhaps it is the memory of being in the loving arms of our Creator/Higher Power (if we believe in that) before we were born...and that we spend our entire lives searching for someone or something that will get us back to that loving feeling of being nurtured, looked after?

It's a really interesting question you asked! Thank you.

Answer 4

Of course you can miss something you've never had. Our whole culture is so obsessed with sex, how could you not "know" about it (and miss it) even if you never actually experienced it. If you were in a wheel chair, do you think people would say you can't "miss" being able to walk, cause you never walked? I don't think so, because your whole world would be surrounded by people who walk and you would have a basis for comparison. Your friends are trying to get you on a technicality. I would take their comments as being not very friend-like.

Answer 5

It's true as far as my experience goes. I didn't need sex, require sex, or even want sex until I had it.
You miss intimacy because it is human nature to live amongst others, not all alone. You have intimacy, with your friends, your family, even us on YA. It sounds like you just want to have the experience for the sake of having it. It's something in life that you feel you are missing out on.
So yes, you can want it, but I don't think you can miss it.

Answer 6

If you know what you like, you know what pleasure is and your happy with the idea of sex then you can def. miss it. Its not about not having it, its about the cuddling, the kissing, the hot feeling etc.

Maybe your friends need to realise having it and missing it are not always the same thing. You miss it if you want but the more you focus on it, the less likely it will happen....believe me!

Tell your friends they can't advise you if there having sex themselves and that you deserve support and help finding your person!

Answer 7

Years ago someone said to me ''you can't miss what you've never had'' - referring to 'sex and love.'

Well, as true as that aphorism may be, you can never the less still be aware of a whacking great HOLE in your life, and can ‘feel the burning of the Vacancy’ there.

Over the last decade there has been a great any articles written regarding 'woman who have never had a baby and have the feeling of the aching need of one (and of Motherhood!)' which would fulfil them in many personal ways.

I see no difference with the needs of a ‘mother’ in a woman wanting to connect with a yet unborn child, with the needs of a human to connect with another and to fulfil that emotional hunger.

Your friends are, in effect, attempting to deny you what you experience as an emotional hunger for ‘a connection’ with another.

I don’t think much of your so-called ‘friends.’

Stay with the reality of your emotions.

Best of Luck with your searching.
Sash.

Answer 8

I think that the confusion is saying you "miss" it. You don't miss it, you desire it. You can't miss something you haven't experienced because the word "miss" by definition is a longing for something you had that you no longer have.

You can complain all you want, you are completely allowed to do that. But more than complain, you should see what you need to do to get what you want by means that you will still be proud of later.

Answer 9

I guess "miss" would just be the wrong word. When you miss something, you long for it. When you want something, you long for it. Same emotion, with different words. Maybe your friends would be more empathetic if you changed your terms? If not, it sounds like they are just unwilling to hear you talk about it and they are using the whole "miss" thing as an excuse. Go for what you long for and solve both problems.

Answer 10

Yes you can miss what you never had. Sex is the great example. We are always seeking to find that fulfilment.