Wife cheated on me with another man. affair lasted 1 month. After she lied about it, i kicked her out.?

Question

we were separated for a month or so, she has begged me to let her come home. we have 2 children together. i'm 31 and she is 24. she has promised not to cheat again. how do i trust her and get past the hurt? She has told me that she loves me and wants to be w/me. but that she developed some feelings for the other guy. He is only 20. and worthless. nojob, no license, been in trouble w/the law. recently went to jail. he basically has nothing to offer her. we've been together for 5 yrs, and married for almost 3. we are trying to make it work. we both love each other; but why would she screw somebody behind my back after i've been sooo good to her? i'm paranoid she will do it again. any thoughts?

Answer 1

Trust is one of the hardest issues to address in any relationship. She broke your trust and its going to take a lot of work for that to ever be right again. I would honestly get into some marriage counseling for this reason alone.

Answer 2

Been there, and had it done to me. Fact is and with an excellent marriage counselor; they will do it again.

Trust is a precious emotion and once the trust factor has been altered - it is humanly impossible to ever trust that person again.

It is the nature of the beast in humans. Kind of like a protection mechanism. And in some cases it's been also called; following your gut instinct.

You're young. 31 is young! She is 24, which through the fact that she chose to have an affair with a virtual nobody presents the fact that she has no concerns past her own sexual prowess and that is a strong indication that "if" and when a man does come along that can offer her more, she will do it again.

Sorry, once bitten, twice shy. Cut her loose. What you have is not love. Love does not cheat or lie in order to self serve.

It will be hard due to the fact that you do have children. But, do you want to teach them to "settle" for anything less in a relationship?

You'll be stronger and happier in the long run. Move on.

Answer 3

Know how you feel, same thing happened to me. Only you and your wife really know the answer. The question is if you both believe your love is strong enough to over come and get past it. I'm sorry, once a cheater not always a cheater.

If you decide to talk to her about it, try to get a feel for her emotions at the time she had the affair. Only about 1% of all affairs are for "just sex" reasons. She may have had something else going on emotionally at the time that made her vulnerable. Be weary not to blame yourself or take what she says like she is blaming you. Her feelings of the time were just her feelings, don't take them personal no matter what. Once you both recognize her emotions @ the time, then you can address that issue so it never happens again or you see that you can't do anything about it, then you have different choice to make.

Answer 4

I don't get it..you either want to make your marriage work or you don't. Seeing the other woman is not the way to do that. It's sex and if you don't have enough control over your di** then your marriage will never work. But it sounds to me like your wife was doing the same thing after you told her. You two need to grow up and take responsibility for what is happening in your life. You have a 3 year old to think of. If you are going to get a divorce then just do it and get it over with but stop cheating on one another. If you do get together, you will never have a strong marriage is you don't stop cheating and you have to start talking. Good luck.

Answer 5

You have a right not to fully trust her, but did you take the time to find out WHY she did this unforgivable thing? Was there something in the marriage that she was afraid to ask you for that was a need on her behalf? Both men & women have a tendency to go outside thinking that it's better than confronting the spouse about what seems to be lacking in their relationship only to almost if not totally distroy it. More than likely, she won't do it again, but she'll do without that need that caused it in the first place to keep from loosing out on her marriage. The two of you need to communicate which is a big factor in relationships staying together.

Answer 6

Did she tell you about it or did you find out on your own?
If she told you, maybe she is sincere, if not who knows?
You know at the end of the day only you know if you can forgive and forget. The fact that the guy was a loser is pretty irrelevent unless she didn't really want it to go anywhere.
I don't think I could do it because I have tried in the past in a 5 year relationship. The signs were all there that it was still going on (only iwth different women), he was just plain going to cheat. He did things like hide his cell phone etc....was looking at dating services on line, yah I know, how stupid could I be...
I would check up on her for a while if you do take her back, maybe that sounds evil but I would want to know. I might even go so far as to put a tap on my home phone, I mean you have to KNOW you can trust her, not spend a meserable lifetime wondering. I don't think it'll be easy but she is young, has 2 kids and maybe she just is lacking something she needs. Find out if you can, find out WHY. Good luck, puts a knot in my gutt just thinking about it.

Answer 7

you will never really know if she will do it again, no one can explain why she did it, maybe to boost a low self esteem, and proove to herself she was still desireable. see if she will go to therapy, since she is sorry about it, and loves u i believe everyone deserves a second chance if they do wrong, as long as it isn't a pattern of behavior, and hasn't ever happened before. i do believe with the right mindset, that anything broken can be fixed. don't throw away 5 years with someone until u first try to make it, know that it will take awhile for u to feel safe with her, and she must understand that one just doesn't get over betrayal that easy. no one know's the future, but since she has expressed to u she wants to come home, i would say she has had her fill of this person, and realiazes what she almost lost by her choices. since u have 2 children u need to do all u can to save the marriage, even if it means u have to find forgiveness in your heart. just trust that it won't happen again, we all got to trust someone.

Answer 8

Five years is the only time she cheated, or found out about it? If she love you and she has feelings for him im just saying it's probably sexual. Most of the time a woman with children will look for security, you need to get to the real bottom of the situation, because what's ever going on or not going on is what the problem is. I wouldn't want a no-count for a futur for me and m kids.

Answer 9

I did that, learned my lesson and now I am engaged. I have a very supportive and wonderful man. I think she is young and scared and confused. Marrying so young, didn't get to be 21, and just having so much responsibility at such a young life. I think you need to talk to her and express your concerns. If you truly love eachother, it will be. Maybe she needed something different then her everyday life. Take it slow and discover eachother again. Date eachother and find that spark again. It happens a lot when you have a young parent and children. It is very hard. I am sorry this is happening but believe in eachother and try to find it all again. Good luck

Answer 10

If you think she will do it again, then why put yourself in that situation? You don't need to have that constant worry on your mind. If she loved you, she would not have done that in the forst place. If she has developed feelings for the other guy, then she doesn't love you whole-heartedly and has broke her vows. Focus on your children and don't let her bring you down. I could tell you to divorce her, but you need to make your own mind up. You have two choices: 1.) divorce her, or 2.) let this get to you for the rest of your life. Your decision. Best of luck! :)