How do I handle his severe depression, former alcohol/drug abuse and holidays?

Question

My husband is being treated for depression. He is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict. He has an addictive personality. He is/was addicted to porn, mostly kids. I caught him looking at a video of a girl, 8-10 yrs old, and that (2 months ago) was the beginning of the end. It brought back all old memories of my own sexual abuse when I was 10. I had gone to a shrink to get over it. He wants to help me get over the feelings of my past, he says. I believe he does in his way. His way is to pressure me into sex. It disgusts me for him to even touch me. He knows ALL of this. He keeps pressuring. I am going to file for divorce AFTER the holidays, but I need advice on how to tell him there is no hope for us. I need to make sure he understands that it is MY feelings that are pushing me away because I can no longer deal with the past. He has researched suicide in the VERY recent past and that scares me. Had I known about his kiddie porn before we got married we wouldn't be married.

His mom plays a major part in this, in that she lays guilt trips on him. She is already blaming me for him changing. Only change I made was giving him an ultimatum on the drugs/alcohol. He and I had the arguement on kiddie porn. The reason I am waiting till after the holidays, is because my money is spent on my 17 yr old's Christmas (she lives with her dad). I'll get my bonus check and tax check at the end of the fiscal year. I can afford the divorce then. I know that once I leave his behavior will no longer be my responsibility, but I will still feel guilty. Too soft a heart I guess. I am not telling him I want the divorce till AFTER the first of the year, though he does already know divorce is possible. I have told him of the possibility of it and the reasons it might happen. Like I said, had I known of his thing for kiddie porn, we NEVER would have gotten married to begin with.

Answer 1

It's very difficult, not to mention dangerous, at any time to hold in frustrations and tolerate the intolerable for any reason. Sorry to say but you don't "get over" abuse that happened to you as a child. You may be recovering but that's a long, almost lifetime process.
If he is pressuring you for sex to get over ANYTHING, he's badly misguided or manipulative or both.
Think about saying that you MUST live apart from him at least for a time because his pressuring behavior brings back too many terrible memories that divide you from him. He is, BTW, not a good candidate for recovery which I presume you realize. Good luck.

Answer 2

Don't wait for the holidays to past... Get out now... even if you have to leave... You may even be able to get a divorce due to not knowing about his past and he keeping it secret from you... Don't worry about the suicide thing... That's what people with problems use as a method to keep other people around and maintain control... It's not your responsibility for his short comings... You are not responsible for keeping him from committing suicide... He ultimately is... You never know what may happen by the end of the year... and you don't want to be a victim of his problems...

Answer 3

You have to be calm and make sure that he doesn't see that you are getting ready to leave. Do the same things you normally would and just be yourself, don't argue with him and don't let him see that what he does bothers you because he will realize that you are going to leave after new years. When you are ready to leave, you will have to let cops know that he is suicidal and that he is into kids porn, so that they can watch him, because he might freak out and kill himself, you don't want that either. You are good woman for sticking with him through the holidays, just be careful and remember, god will bless you for your good deed.

Answer 4

First and foremost: It is ILLEGAL for him to be in possession of child pornography.

I will be honest and say that I cannot fathom staying with a man like that (regardless of his other issues) for one minute. And I would have probably called the cops too. Given your history, my main concern however is why YOU are staying with him at all. Being with him must be causing you a form of Post-traumatic stress disorder, especially given his pressing you for sex.

So how to tell him there is no hope? Call the police on his perverted butt.

Or pack and leave. NOW.

Answer 5

Your husband has major problems and needs to get help. The best thing for you to do is to talk him into going to a pyschiatrist for assistance. They might even put him in an institution to help him overcome all of this.

As for you, get out of that situation. Why wait? You are only going to make things worse for yourself. If you are unhappy then you should get out now.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Everyone tends to be able to conceal things to get what they want out of life, so you shouldn't feel guilty for trying to have some happiness in your life. He knew that the subject would cause him grief with you, so he held back for you to find out if ever he slipped, which obviously he has. Now that his deception has been found out, you go with your plans and pray for him to be able to handle his problems which he don't seem to be trying to resolve. As far his Mother, she's not your concern on any level, he needs to deal with her because she probably is the stem of his issues anyway. Everyone deserves to be happy, so do what you need to for yours.

Answer 7

tell the cops about his little kiddie porn addiction and we will take care of the rest, hell he wont even be thier for the holiday, sick people like your husband need to be put in jail and let the system behind bars take care of the physciatric help. he will get what he need in thier

Answer 8

I probably wouldn't put the divorce off. I would do it immediatly. He might think of taking you with him if he has time to think about suicide too long. The quicker it passes, the quicker it heals.

Answer 9

yeah....you are going to need a shrink on this one. but for what it's worth, you are very good to stay by his side thru the holidays....i give you credit for that, and for wanting to help him. after the New Year, drive him to a shrink and drop him off!

Answer 10

You don't. You kick his *** out. I am sick and tired of people making excuses for their behavior. He is a weak minded loser and he makes his own choices. Let him drag his own life down but there is no reason for you to go down with him.