AM I being REALLY STUPID? Should I TAKE HIM BACK?

Question

My husband left me eight months ago. He said that it was because he was unhappy and we weren't getting along. I found out later that he had met someone else. He didn't live with her but he saw her. They stopped seeing one another a month ago (How do I know this? Mutual friends VOLUNTEER information. This is how I also know that he called it off ( not that it makes a difference, anyway.) Always remember, adulterers: Your spouse doesn't even have to ask. It gets out.)

He now says that he was having a midlife crisis ( He turned 41 last month), that he is truly sorry, that he loves me and that he wants to get back together and be a family again. We have three young kids.

Am I being a fool to even consider it?

Answer 1

Once a cheater always a cheater...my ex wife did that to me. I took her back...more than once...and she just kept doing it. They just want the comfort of their spouse...their cake and it too!

Answer 2

I don't think you are being a fool to calmly consider it.

What would be foolish would be to jump back into marriage with a cheater who blames his behavior on some outside issue ('midlife crisist) as if he had no control over it. I would strongly urge counseling. He needs to own up to what he did and understand that it wasn't some stupid excuse, but his own issues that led him to cheat. If he and the two of you go through counseling he fully understands the causes of his behavior (which I've seen is usually a panic of "I'm never going to sleep with another woman again! Boohoo!" or "Being married with 3 kids is hard work. Where's the excitement?") and the two of you can make your marriage work for both of you (date nights, etc), then you may have a chance.

However, that said - YOU have to examine your own self and understand how likely it is that you can truly trust him again. Some people can and some people can't, no matter how much time has elapsed. Only you can know if you will always worry that if he's late he's cruising a bar or if he wouldn't have come home to you and the kids if it had worked out with the other woman. Only you can know that.

Good luck.

And BTW -- if you do take him back, make him pay for it for a while so he understands the consequences. My mother took my father back in an almost identical situation and when all was said and done her forgiveness made him believe she was a fool for letting him off the hook so easily and he treated her like crap thereafter. He would have respected her, if she'd made him wait for a while before forgiving him and letting him back home. A tactical error on her part.

Answer 3

The question is do you love him and do you think that you can trust him again, and do you want to give it another go. The thing is what is your head telling you to do. Do you believe that he is truly sorry?

He said that he was unhappy and because the two of you weren't getting along, well I would have thought that the sensible thing to do would have been for the two of you to sit down together and try and work things out not for him to find someone else.

If you think that the two of you could be happy then consider it, but I wouldn't take him back straight away tell him that you want to take things slowly, and try and re-capture the magic. Start going out on dates, get to know each other. Don't just let him back into your life and fall into the same routine say that if the two of you do get back together then there are going to have to be some changes

But you must do what you think is the best, go back with him because you want to and truly believe that the two of you can work at it. Don't just go back because he is sorry and he says that he was having a mid-life crisis. Think about it he is only 41, and if you go though a rough patch again is he going to find yet another lady friend and leave you.

Answer 4

It really depends on what the rest of your marriage was like and if something like this has happened before. I mean if he's a compulsive liar, has cheated before, has been emotionally/physically abusive...perhaps this was the deal breaker and you should leave. However, if you have been quite happy with him up until this occurred, perhaps it is worth giving him another chance. If you do decide to give him another chance, I would definitely recommend not letting him move back in right away and that you should both definitely go to marriage counseling to work on the current issues and any that might surface as you try to put this in the past so that you can potentially have a future. My only question though is why did it take him 8 months to realize this? You guys have been there all along and it is only now that he is ready to own up to his mistakes and take responsibility for them? or Was it that the novelty wore off of his little single life? I don't know but whatever you do, the ball is in your court and if he's ready to be a man and own up to being your husband and your children's father, he needs to put his money where his mouth is and actually take action to change. I was married and dealt with a cheating idiot who always told me how sorry he was for cheating, lying, etc but then never came through with the action to change so you have to be careful not to let this go too easily because you guys have to work on this relationship bc the damage has already been done and now its a matter if you can both work together to heal the wounds and survive this whole ordeal. I wish you nothing but the best of luck and I hope that whatever choice that you make will bring you happiness and what you deserve:)

Answer 5

I think only you know the answer to that. How did he treat you before he left......was he respectful and loving? If so I say give him another chance. My husband left after 27 yrs. of marriage because he just didn't want to be married anymore. There was no other woman( know this for a fact) but he was 47 and said he felt life was passing him by. He moved 20 minutes away and called me regularly. I, on the other hand never called him. I left him alone to figure things out which after 6 months he did. He wanted to come home because he said he'd made a mistake. I really think he was depressed and angry in general and thought a change of address would fix him. At the time I blamed myself even though I knew I was a good wife and mother. I now know his leaving had nothing to do with me. I couldn't have prevented it......the problem was in him. I also have 3 kids(they were 21, 24, and 27) and even though they were older they were still devastated by their father's actions. It'll be very hard for you to get over his unfaithfulness, if you ever do, but he deserves a chance to prove himself. For your marriage and also for your kids, it's definitely worth giving it a second chance....still there needs to be some ground rules layed out before he comes home. You gotta be strong about that. I got some counselling...my husband never did, but he's much better now. He was always a very responsible person, so it just goes to show that anyone can have a lapse of judgement and screw up.
I wish you luck and go with what you feel is right for you and your kids.

Answer 6

Sounds like he is someone at least worth trying. You do have three kids. If my husband had said once that he was sorry and didn't continue to blame me and use me as the excuse for his behavior, I would have taken him back.
He has to prove to you that he has dumped her, though. Personally. Not through an email or anything. On the phone or in person. I would also go to counseling for a month and have him take you weveral times a week in the meantime. Additionally, make sure that he has an STD test. If she takes another woman's husband, who knows where she has been and what she has given to him.

Take some Benedryl if you get too stressed and drink a lot of red wine tomorrow. Laugh. It will do you good. Don't allow him around for the holidays, however. He can't have his wife and family for th eholidays and otherwise not. Start demanding (nicely and with a smile) that he live by your rules starting today.

Answer 7

I don't think you're a fool to consider it, but you have to know that you can rebuild a relationship that you lost your trust in. I've been cheated on (never married, but by boyfriends in the past), and I dumped them like a sack of bricks. The only reason that your case varies so much is your children. I grew up without a father in my life. I've never even met him. You really need to consider some things before you make any decisions: Does he really love you? Do you think that he wants you to trust him again, and if you do, will he betray that trust again? Is it worth it to get back together with him just for the sake of your kids, or do you really still love him as well? Just make sure you make a decision that isn't going to end up hurting your family or you again. If you want and can trust him again, then do what you feel is right. Good luck to you. Your situation is difficult and complicated.

Answer 8

I don't think you are being stupid. You have a past together, you believed in a future together and it's hard to let go of all your dreams and beliefs no matter how badly you've been hurt. He may really be sorry and you may even be able to work things out but if I were you I would give myself some more time to think things over. I once accepted someone who had cheated on me and hurt me and I never managed to forgive him, made both our lives hell and he ended up marrying another. You need to feel ready to either forgive or move one, and that takes time. Plus, this way you would show your cheater husband your real price - he needs to work TO get your forgiveness, not AFTER. Anyway, don't try playing games - be yourself but really be honest to yourself - are you really ready to forgive and forget or do you need some more time?

Answer 9

I don't think you're being a fool. It's a tough situation to be in, and it's near impossible for anyone to answer this question for you. You know what they say about Once a cheater......
BUT, if you feel that it was just a stupid "thing" that he went through, and that he'd never do it again, maybe you should trust your instincts.
I've always said that if a man cheated on me, he'd be toast and that I'd never take him back. However, I've never been married and I don't have kids. Those things make a difference.
Follow your heart, chica, but be smart about it. And remember, do what you feel is right for YOU.

Answer 10

You know, Ive never been married and I have no kids so this comes from a single women. I myself could never enter back into a relationship with a man who left me to date someone else. I would feel that he looks at me as second best or at least not his #1. Maybe I live in a fantasy world but the man that I spend my time with needs to be a man who feels damn lucky to have me in his life. I want him to think and know he has the best. I dont want his sorry *ss back after 8 mths of running around with someone else. Who says he isn't coming back to you until the next interest comes along ?

Answer 11

Don't do it. This man up and left you without considering his love, respect, or commitment to your relationship together - and now after he's had an affair (who cares that it's over with), you're just going to take him back like nothing happened? I can guarantee you he'll do it again. I would divorce him and say you realized in those 8 months that your life is so much happier without him - and then just focus on your kids.