My sister has been married 2x. It took her 17 years to figure out that her husband wasn't met for her. Now shes in a relationship w/ a married man. He has told her for 2 yrs now that he's getting papers & still hasnt come up w/ them. She wont get couceling & I dont want it to take 17 years to figure this one out. She has 2 wonderful daughters three sisters & a great friend. Her family has told her countless times that we dont like him & we can see right through him. She sticks up for him & tells us what a wonderful man he is & we dont know him. She never wants to talk about it. She keeps setting dates for him to produce papers & the dates keep coming & going. She ends it but gets right back w/ her after a day or two. I would love to know what he's telling her. Oh the clincher is he works at the same place as her & comes in her work area whenever he wants. He was sapose to have the papers for Thanksgiving. She found out this morning that he didnt file papers. How do we help her? Help!
2006-11-22 01:55:26 · 27 answers · asked by Reetz 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He's never going to file and he will have to dump her (which he probably won't) before she'll get the message.
2006-11-22 01:57:59 · answer #1 · answered by E B 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
He isn't going to file the papers. As my grandmother used to say - "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" You might point out the obvious about this "wonderful" man. He is a liar and a cheat. Were they to end up together - what makes her think he will treat her and their marriage any differently? My ex did this same thing. He kept telling her he was going to leave me as soon as our daughter was a little older - then it was when she graduated from high school, etc. He also told her we no longer slept together, I didn't understand him, all the cliches. Imagine her surprise when I found out and made him confess to her that we had been having sex 2-3 times a week all the time they had been together. ( The poor man must have been exhausted!) Then he told her he wanted to break off the relationship and make our marriage work.( I was the one who said no way and kicked him to the curb.)I am sure your sister's boyfriend has been feeding her the same tired lines. I do hope she realizes that what she is doing will end up destroying several lives in the end. You cannot build happiness on another person's misery. Also - what kind of example is she setting for her own children? Will they ever accept this man? Will his children ever accept her under the circumstances? She has a lot to think about.
2006-11-22 02:10:40 · answer #2 · answered by arkiemom 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A few questions to ask her.
Does he take her out in public during the daytime?
if so then there is a chance that he has REAL feelings for her, if not, then she's just a booty call.
If he got a divorce, would there be financial responsibilities he would have to face? (like child support or alimony)
If so, then he may be living by the 'it's cheaper to keep her' philosophy, in which case, he won't be coming up with the papers anytime soon.
Either way, she needs to evaluate the relationship, and determine if the pro's outweight the con's or vice versa. That will tell her what to do, but if after 2 years he hasn't filed papers yet, then you can bet your bottom dollar that he will NOT file those papers in the next two years either!
Hope this helps
2006-11-22 02:04:39 · answer #3 · answered by Mister 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to let your sister make her own mistakes and learn from them. If you are always helping her then she will never learn. And by the sounds of it why would he file papers he has the best of both worlds doesn't he. He can have his cake and eat it too. Problem is if he is doing this to her he is doing this to other women not just your sister. And with them working in the same place that makes it that much more complicated. She sounds like she is old enough to make her own decisions even though they are not the best ones, but she has to make them. You can tell her though that when it comes to the holidays get use to being alone because he will be with his family not her. So it isn't a very happy situation to be in when he is married. If you really want to help her, you could always call the wife and let her know what is going on. Let the cat out of the bag so to speak of. But just remember that it all rolls downhill and it will on your sister since she works with the jerk.
2006-11-22 02:01:46 · answer #4 · answered by ncamedtech 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
First of all, if he hasn't filed by now I don't think he's planning on doing it. He's just getting what he can out of her and when he's had enough he'll leave her or if she gets pregnant he's gone. I think she should know that she's hurting someone else by doing this and he's not a good man if he's willing to cheat on his wife - that's being dishonest. Even if he did leave his wife for her, there's a good chance that he'll do the same to her.
If you, your family and friends have spoken to her about it and she won't wise up all you can do is love her and hope that she will get some sense in her brain soon. Also, stand your ground when it comes on to the man. Tell her that you still love her but he's not welcomed in your home/presence.
2006-11-22 02:04:00 · answer #5 · answered by princess_j2006 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I was "the other woman" for 6 (yes, 6 years). Trust a fool. He will NEVER file papers. Why should he. He has his cake and can EAT it too. He loves his wife. That's why she is his wife. I believed and deeply loved this dirt bag for a long time. I wasted a good portion of my life. It took me another 3 years to get over the pain. Show this to your sister. She is hurting her beautiful daughters, not to mention the example she is setting for them. My sons still remember everything...all the pain he caused our family. All the times I shut them out to be with "Mr. Wonderful". She's hurting everyone that loves her. You know why you don't know him? It's because both she and him are ashamed of what they are doing. I wish there was something you could do but sadly there is not. Love is blind. Your sister is blinded by love. Just be there for her when he dumps her, because he will. Of that I am 100% sure and she will need you desperately.
2006-11-22 02:08:47 · answer #6 · answered by smango59 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you know where this guy works?better yet find out his home phone number and blow the whistle and the cheating bastard.His wife and kids have a right to know.And your sister needs to realize that shes breaking up a family shes the other woman and has no rights in the relationship.she is just a piece of *** and I very sorry if that offends you but that is exactly how this guy sees her.And ask her how she'd feel if she was the wife and her husband was cheating on her.I hate to say this but women like you sister make me sick.Tell her to get a life but not to steal someone Else's!
2006-11-22 02:04:59 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't help her. She's determined to be a fool and/or loves the drama.
All you can do is stop enabling her. Do NOT act as if he is really her boyfriend or that they are really going to get married one day. Tell her that you are done playing this game with her and explain why ONE last time. Tell her you don't want to hear about it and you will no longer be offering her tea and sympathy for her life choices. If she brings it up, change the subject. Stop providing a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen.
2006-11-22 04:26:20 · answer #8 · answered by Karen L 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
First off shame on your sister for dating a married man, after two years its not like she doesn't know. And shame on the dirt bag shes dating for cheating on his wife and for lying to your sister. No he wont leave his wife. It rarely happens and if he hasn't done it in the past two years hes not going to do it in the next two years. Maybe he enjoys the possibility of getting caught cheating, maybe hes just slime either way you need to sit down with her and calmly express your feelings but back them up with some evidence of things hes done or said he would do but hasn't. I'm sure you've tried this before but its going to be the only thing that works. Shes probably afraid to be alone and maybe doesn't think to highly of herself. Reassure her that you, and the others you mentioned, love her very much, will always be there with her, support her and just want whats best for her. Good luck!
2006-11-22 02:02:12 · answer #9 · answered by miss m 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Until he produces those papers. He's just talkin'. If he wanted to get divorced he would. He has his cake and is eatin' it too why would he be in a hurry. She needs to back off a bit and lay down the line that he should move on this if he's serous about her. What is he waiting for? There is nothing to wait for. She's waited 2 years. Apparantly she is not at the top of his list and she should be. She's settling and she doesn't need to do that. But you're going to have to let her figure that out for herself. She's not going to listen to anyone. Her feelings are leaving her blind to the big picture. You don't have to like him and you've already voiced your opinion to her. Just be there for her. She'll figure it out and when she does don't say we told you so either just be there for her whatever she decides.
2006-11-22 02:00:53 · answer #10 · answered by sxyalmond 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
unfortunately there's not much you can do but be there for her. she's an adult and has to make her own decisions. it just like trying to get someone to leave an abusive relationship, they have to want to do it for themselves no matter what you say or do. after 2 years he's probably got her so brainwashed she cant tell right from wrong or even distinguish whats best for her and her kids. he's not leaving his wife as long as he has both women and he's probably telling both of them whatever they want to hear to keep this going. and if she already has low self esteem that just makes it even easier to charm, persuade, pull guilt trips, and lie, lie, lie. he's obviously very selfish and careless, especially knowing children are involved. but either way, she has to decide to leave.
i heard of a man that had an affair for over 20 years while both women knew, and when he died he left everything to his wife and their family but not a cent for his mistress and their children. i cant even imagine wasting that much of my life away and dragging my innocent kid(s) along the way.
2006-11-22 02:12:04 · answer #11 · answered by madi 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋