help me please?

Question

i just found out the my husband was cheating on me. i confronted him about it.. and he told me that he made a mistake but that he loves me and that he wants to be with me.. i don't know if i should give him a second chance, we do have 2 kids.. tell me what to do....im a fraid that if i let it go he'll do it again... we have being together for 15 years...

HE TOLD ME THAT HE NEEDED ATTENTION, AND THAT I WAS TO BUSY FOR HIM..BUT HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THAT I JUST HAD MY BABY 7 MONTH AGO..AND IT'S HARD. I DO LOVE HIM AND I TRY TO PLEASE HIM IN EVERY POSSIBLE WAY..MY DAUGHTER IS 3 MY SON IS 7 MONTHS..I CAN HAVE SEX WHEN EVER HE WANTS.I TRY BUT SOME TIMES ITS IMPOSSIBLE...

Answer 1

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I wish there were a simple answer for you and your children. So this is what I've got.

Before I married and had children I would probably have given you this 'cock and bull' about how you don't have to take this **** and how you should leave this sorry thus and so, but 15 years and 2 children leaves you with much to consider. So, I'm going to be realistic from a wife/mother's point of view.

Look, the truth is that we never have and never will know just how much we can trust our spouses. This may be the most recent, the first or the first of many; who knows? But who says you have to let it go? I mean, if you two stick it out you don't have to bring it up all the time, but you damn well have to let him where you stand and what you won't put up with.

Before you decide whether to stay or go, take inventory of your situation. I urge you to consider his performance as a husband, a father and a provider before you make your decision. Most importantly, though, where are YOU personally? Are you educated and have a career? Basically, could you do it on your own? Can you abide his cheating (some women can do that)? What would staying/leaving mean for you and your children?

Finally, and I HATE that I have to bring it up, we are in an age where philandering is more than a heartbreaker; it can kill. My mother once told me about five years ago, "There are worse things out there than babies (and their mothers)." And she was right. Did he use a condom? Would he? I, personally, would make appointments for the two of us for a full STD panel and some counseling besides.

I can't imagine your hurt and confusion, but you have to go for what you know - for you and the kids. Assess your situation (financial, health, ALL of that) and think clearly. Make your choice carefully, and best of luck to you.

Answer 2

15 years is a long time. I mean trust is something earned and obviously you trusted him up until he betrayed you by cheating. "You "found out he was cheating, "He" didn't tell you so obviously if you hadn't confronted him about it he'd still be "having his cake and eating it too" Ask yourself, "Can I ever trust him again" You will always wonder if he's coming home late, or if he doesn't answer his phone fast enough. He's burned you once and that's shame on him. If he does it again Shame on You! Personally I would try a trial separation. Give yourself time to think with out his influence, (him being up under you) Ask him to move out for a while, and perhaps consult a therapist. If he truly loves you the time apart will prove to be a test of his Fidelity and of your sanity. Personally I believe once a cheat always a cheat. Once a person tastes the forbidden fruit, it's rather difficult to resist the temptation of enjoying it again. Good luck Sister.

Answer 3

I would suggest that you find out if it was an ongoing affair or a one time thing. If it was ongoing then I would leave him. If it was a one time thing then you could probably work through it. The trust will be gone for a wile but he'll have to earn it back. Do NOT stay with him for your children. That is the worst mistake you could make. Kids can tell when there is tension in the air and when your are not happy. To keep your children happy you also have to be happy. Good luck.

Answer 4

Give him another chance for the sake of your children. He may be unpardonable, however, he repented his mistakes and he already make a clear choice that he wants to be with you.

I knew you are feeling hurt coz your husband has cheated you but in this world, who doesn't make mistakes? Monitor him closely and if he did the same again, then you make a clear cut - DIVORCE by that time.

Answer 5

Well you need to establish the following:
Why did he cheat? Can that be permanently remedied?
Is this a long term affair or a stupid moment?
The most important thing is:
Can you trust him?
If you cannot learn to trust him again, the other points are moot.
Go to counselling and see, but don't stay "just for the kids" if you are going to hate him forever and never trust him again.
I wish you well. I wish people didn't do this to each other.

Answer 6

alrite..it is really up to u.Don`t listen to anyone except ur own heart...my husband didn`t cheat on me but we got 7 month old baby and i really understand u how it is difficult to take care of both (baby and husband) and plus satisfy the husband....and we r fighting very often...as for leaving him...I wouldn`t forgive him coz i believe if a person cheated once it would happen again...but i would stay just for kids coz it doesn`t matter what is going on between u babies deserve to have full family..i would stay as a mom but not as a wife...Good luck.

Answer 7

i would want a second chance if it were me. keep in mind though, this tends to be more of a state of mind than it is an action so he is going to have to get at the root of why he is drawn to someone or something outside of the relationship, what is it he can't share with you or communicate with you about that he is getting outside of the relationship. is it something that you can't control, like the idea of someone else or something that you can such as the two of us actually building something real together.

he probably will do it again, and again, and again, regardless of whether he wants to or not or whether or not he is just finding creative ways not to, or truly are over the idea of doing it to begin with and can finally move on. you have to think about what type of relationship it would be, as at this point, staying with him sort of enables him and makes it permissible for him to act out in this way. is that the type of relationship that you really want?

a person probably can be cured of this type of thing but personally, there has to be a lot of "outs" and "back doors" to intimacy that have to be closed and deal with before they can really be with the person they're supposed to be with, in the way that it needs to happen. it isn't about the act, because someone who never makes a conscious decision to pursue it can be just as far in the sand with their infedility than someone who is out doing all that they can to make it happen, and then everything that they can possible to keep it from someone else.

Answer 8

Can you forgive him? Are you sure it is over or is he telling you what you want to hear? I suggest you both see a marriage councilor. You cannot just let this slide or he will think is is too easy to do it again he has to know how much he has hurt you. Is he remorseful?

Answer 9

I think since it only happened once and he says that he loves you and wants to be with you, forgive him. Try to make a fresh start and forget about it.

If it happens again, you can begin to think of filing for divorce, etc.
Watch for a pattern in his behavior - not just one incident.

Answer 10

Listen to what your heart is telling you, this is entirely up to you. If you think you can fix what's wrong in your marriage then go for it. Do what's right for you.