what would you do if you had a collection, mine happens to be CRYSTALS, ROCKS/ gemstones, and your fiance's ..

Question

Boy decided he wanted to move your collection that you, "painstakingly set up in some order", asked his mom if he could set up a computer there, in the garage, and just PUSHED YOUR STUFF ASIDE???? mom said it was okay...
The computer was in a place where if he wanted to actually USE it, he could have used it right where it was...
But instead he said, "mom, can I put the computer here", right where I had set up my crystals in rows, for some reason.
Wheteher it was to look at them, or to photograph, or just to show off my stuff that I found this year.
I felt like the 14 year old was trying to START SOMETHING, and that he could have used the computer right where it was.
He has been in trouble with the law 3 times in a year and a half.
I have little if any control over him.
I felt like it was an invasion of my space, and like it was a personal attack to try and start a fight.
I noticed it two days ago, and last night the computer was not HOOKED up or anything...

So I moved the computer back to where it was and began resetting up my ROWS OF CRYSTALS.
I said something to his mom about it, but have said nothing to the boy.
He is 14, seems to have an, "I'll do whatever I want attitude", and has said he does not like me.
What should I do or say to him, if anything?

Okay sorry for the CONFUSION...My g.f/Fiancee...The boys mom.
yes He asked her, his mom if he could move my collection which he just pushed aside.
I feel like the second person allready answered my question very well. t.y.
You are correct.
Anything to get attn.
I do not think that USING THE COMP. had anything to do with any of it.
As I mentioned, it was just sitting there unplugged...

I really need to get over my "ADD" and word, or think about how to word my QUESTIONS properly.
okay, #1, STEVE is the BOY in question her.
#2. Connie is his mom.
#3. Connie is My G.f./ Fiancee
#4. Steves Biological dad Committed Suicide 5 years ago this last HALOWEEN.
#6...HMMM even with MY CONFUSING QUESTION, and some of the confusion in the answers...lol, I still feel like I got a pretty good Idea of what I was looking for, and needed. Thank you all very much.
I will really try to be less confusing with my future QUESTIONS.
But it sorta made me laugh, the answers I got...
Tell his moms, fiance's, step dads uncle, that if his cousin comes over to see his dad, he's dead!
oh sorry.
NOT FUNNY! but then
I have to try and make light of it somehow...
WHOOO
Not bored anymore after all this.lol

DJH

Answer 1

I would wait until he is home. Bring him out to where your collection was and is. Ask him directly why he wanted to put the computer there. Most likely it was to get at you, but give him a chance to explain, you might find out something else. Maybe he didn't really understand how important the rocks were to you and he thought that by moving them to the side he was still respecting them. Maybe he was actually moving his computer to the garage to indirectly spend more time with you - maybe he wants a father figure and wants a relationship with you but doesn't know how to ask for it. Maybe his mother made some rude comment to him about where the computer was before and if she hasn't mentioned this to you - you would have no way of knowing. Try to remain calm and open to his explanations, because you can guess all you want, but you need to get his view, too.
The best way to get a clear honest answer would be to wait to do this until you can come at him with even an interested feeling to see what he says. You are the adult. Don't allow your emotions to let you get into a passive-agressive- match... (You will probably lose to a 14 yr old)... again.... remember... you are the adult... you have years of experience on him, so something that you see as disrespectful - might not have been meant as you are taking it.. If you can try to understand from his perspective why he is acting the way that he is... you will have a chance at having a relationship with him and the better your relationship is with him, the better it will be with your girlfriend/fiancee because the less stress will be on her. (Think of how much stress she must be going through to have a son and a fiancee who are both living with her and don't get along...) Anger does nothing but breed anger. Try your best to be patient, loving, and understanding... (while having a few very clear very distinct boundaries) - but don't expect him to know what the boundaries are without telling him and making it clear.. and if he "forgets" once or twice.. gently remind him. If he forgets more than that.. take corrective action...

About being in trouble with the law... don't bring that into it... it has nothing to do with the rocks or him moving the computer... Why do people get in trouble with the law? (well... for a number of reasons) but one would be - if his parents have been fighting for years, chances are he has no real boundaries, he hasn't been given the love and attention he needs while growing up, he possibly has a lot of anger and resentment from family life that he has been pushing to society and the government.... Who are murderers, rapists, arsonists, speeders, druggies, etc? They're the adult version of that cute little 3 year old down the street... remember how all adults start out... and remember that even though your fiancee's son has been in trouble with the law, not everyone who has been in trouble with the law when they are young ends up in jail for life. He is still only 14... Sometimes we try to make children grow up too quickly because in their clothes or their ideas sometimes they seem like adults.. but when he acts like a child... remember.. in many ways he still is one. You have the opportunity to be the person in his life to change him around and help him see the beauty in an honest future. Maybe he already thinks he doesn't have a future. Isn't it sad to think that children at the age of 14 have already given up on themselves. What is a friend? That person - that when everyone else has already given up on you, when you have given up on yourself, that person still believes in you. It sounds like he is in dire need of a true friend... and through your love for his mother you have put yourself in the perfect place to be his friend and mentor. Don't ruin your opportunity through anger and resentment.... Give him more than he deserves. One day he will trust you and will both return the favor to you and pass it on to someone else in need. Good Luck!

Answer 2

I would take him to the side and explain to him you are not his dad but you do live in the house. That you would like to have a relationship with him but RESPECT goes both ways. He has probabley been hurt buy some other adult and thinks that if he pushes you away he won't get hurt again. Also he is testing you to see if your like most people that give up on him. Remember that the best thing you can be is an adult friend to him. His opinion of himself could be vary low. Accept him for who he is don't try to change him be an unconditional friend. Have him treat you with respect, when he doesn't ignore him. It could take a wile for him to respond the key is respect and friendship.

Answer 3

I completely understand your love of precious and semiprecious stones. I was a junior "rockhound" growing up. I was facinated with geology, stones, crystals, fossils, etc. Not very many people shared the same interest, other than those in the rock and gem club. Messing with my collection was my sister's way to "poke a stick in my cage".

I think that is what his boy is doing, but for a different reason than my sister did to me.

I think it's his immature way of "lifting his leg" and claiming or establishing his "territory". I do not think it was any accident that he disregarded your collection of precious stones. It may also possible be a power struggle between you two. What other types of offensive behaviors has he displayed towards you?

Integrated families take a long time to get on the same page. I think the statistical average is something like 7 years.

Think about things from his perspective for a second. Since he is a boy, he just has to go along with and accept decisions made by his father, who doesn't necessarily have to consult with him first. You, being one of his father's decisions, probably seem like the biggest threat to his status, and that makes you the target for his passive-agressive rage.

If he has had trouble with the law, his behavior would indicate that he is desperately begging his father for some guidance. As a step parent-figure, unfortunately you do not have much influence over his behavior. You cannot expect to. The best thing you can do is to eatablish some rapport, and stand up for yourself. You do not have to accept any disrespect from him. You can tell his what is and is not acceptable to you, and make the boundaries clear, but it ultimately has to be his father that disciplines him.

Think about how it is when you have one cat, whom you've had for a while, then you go get another little kitty. Think about how they react at first, and how they behave towards one another. Sometimes they eventually get along, sometimes never.

You could go get a large plactic bin, or a nice big box, pack up the computer, and duct tape it to death. That would be one passive-aggressive way to make your point. But if you are above passive-aggressive behavior, you could simply ask his son to please find another place to store his computer. Let his father discipline him.

Of course his mom is going to give the go ahead to disregard you and disrespect you. That's just her way of poking a stick in your cage. realistically, she has no business telling him what he can do with your stuff, and he had no business giving her permission to He was just looking for a way to validate his own behaivor.

If you are all in the same house, I would seriously consider moving out, or asking someone (the ex) to move out. There is a serious role conflict. And if his father shows no initiative with commanding respect from his son, and establishing the boundaries of acceptable/unacceptable behavior, then I would seriously reconsider marrying the guy in the first place.

Pre-marital counseling is something all engaged couples should seek. it's not like therapy, but rather an objective third party that is there to bring up things that come up later in every marriage. They discuss issues that are commonly overlooked by people blinded by love. These things include religion, kids, paying bills, investments, where to live, who's families to visit on what holidays, political views, fight styles, makeup styles, "sexpectations", continuing education, working, traveling, etc. Stepchildren and ex-spouses are another topic for discussion. I think it would give you some valuable insight.

Good luck, take care!

Answer 4

If you think this will be a thorn in your side then you should discuss it with your fiance. If you can overlook it, you should. The kid is just trying to get attention. He will do anything to keep his mom to himself. This is a hurtle you will have to overcome. The child is part of the fiance, you can't have one without the other.

Answer 5

I would say "live and let live", but I also have a collection like you and I do like it presented nicely, in my own certain way, so maybe I would be angry.

Answer 6

Ok wait...Your fiance's son moved your rocks....but he asked his MOM first...would that be your fiance's ex...why are you all in the same house....anyone else as confused about all this as I am?