How can I forget the past? The pain still in me deep inside. His affair with a young lady , he doesn't even told me he's sorry about it? Just a surprised that he went home ? What does he mean?
2006-11-22 00:06:36 · 8 answers · asked by cutie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Four years ago I caught my wife in an affair with my (ex) best male friend. We are still together and working on our marriage. It is possible to rebuild trust. Your old relationship is dead, but you can rebuild a new one if you desire, one where the trust and love can once again grow, however there will never be blind trust again.
There is a site called "Affair Discovery and Recovery" located at http://www.network54.com/Index/32374
It's free, it's anonymous, there are links to other good sites, suggested reading material and you can post about your feelings, vent your anger, and know that you are not alone.
Healing and recovery is possible, it won't happen overnight.
I credit the site and the people there for helping me maintain my sanity and helping us save our marriage.
Right now, concentrate on staying healthy, try to eat and sleep properly, try to go for walks or get some form of mild exercise at least every other day for a half an hour.
There are many of us out here that understand completely what you are going through and dealing with.
What I have learned is "Forgiving is not forgetting...it's remembering with your mind at peace."
2006-11-22 00:15:15 · answer #1 · answered by OleMarbleEyes 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You don't need to, nor should you forget the past. And trust needs to be rebuilt if you eel that it is worth it. No one here can tell you whether it is worth staying with him.
Having said that, here are a few things you should consider. The "cheat" was not that he had sex with someone else, a kiss could be a "cheat". Cheating is the lies and deception that occurred as part of the affair. keeping this information from you has created the rift in your relationship.
And he may not be sorry for the affair, but he should be sorry for the dishonesty. Humans are not monogamous by nature. Men and women are monogamous by social conditioning. Not all (the majority are monogamous) but many men and women do not have within them the motivation or desire to be monogamous. I suspect that that is true of your husband, though you don't give enough information to be more definitive than that.
To hide his activity he lied... that is what caused the harm to your relationship. Deception is one of the fundamental causes of divorce whether it is an affair(s) or money problems, or something else. The question is, would you still have problems "forgetting the past if this were money issues, or something else that he was hiding. If the answer is yes, I suspect that it would be very difficult to get past this and you should take action accordingly. If the answer is no, then work on the issues of trust that need to be rebuilt. I know it can be accomplished.
If he cared for the person he had an affair with, don't expect him to ever ask your forgiveness for the affair, but he should be asking for your forgiveness about the lies and hiding it. That should be part of the trust building.
And as non-traditional as it may seem, while you should never give permission for an affair, it is likely that he will have affairs again... If he can't be honest about it, as it happens... if he can't tell you how he feels when he is attracted to someone else, if you can't put the fact that he has an interest in someone else in his life, then the marriage should not continue.
Another less than traditional perspective, but also a basic case of human nature, is that no matter how he feels about this other person he doesn't love you any less or any more than he did without the affair as long as he is honest with you... that is the test of love and respect... The same is true with women too. I have been with my share of women in my life since I was a teen ager, and while I am not with them for a number of reasons now, my wife knows that I don't love them any less than I did when I was with them. My wife is the same way and when you get past the reasons why you are no longer together with them, I suspect most, though not all, feel the same way, though it is often hard to admit.
My wife and I know that the one cardinal rule in our relationship is to never lie or deceive and that creates a situation that no matter what happens in our lives, the trust sustains our love. And many things could have tested that love if it weren't for the openness and honesty that each of us practice. It is the foundation that sustains our love.
So talk to him.... don't seek his apology for the affair but for the lies... that is truly the harm, even if the two of you don't stay together.
2006-11-22 08:57:09 · answer #2 · answered by jryanwinterhaven 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
he isn't sorry, or he would tell you he is, can't force someone to admit wrong's and take responsibility. if he isn't sorry than theres nothing to work on, because he doesn't seem to care one way or the other. when affairs happen there are things that need to happen if the marriage has a chance, and there just not happening for u. sometimes we have to just let things be whatever way they are, and move on with our lives, and leave what hurts us. if we stay we will continue to feel the hurt, if we go we will only hurt for awhile, he just isn't sorry for this, and doesn't feel he did a wrong.
2006-11-22 08:37:32 · answer #3 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Sounds like your marriage is over. Sounds like he does not want to continue being married to you. If he did he would have at least apologized. Means that it is time for you to see a lawyer and have divorce papers drawn. This whole thing means you both need to end your relationship and move on in life. Do not know of any other way to put it.
2006-11-22 08:10:44 · answer #4 · answered by Rooster 1972 5 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Give him hell till he admits his fault and swears not to do it again. Then if you feel like you can trust him again, you can forgive him. But only till then.
2006-11-22 08:10:53 · answer #5 · answered by seek_fulfill 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Im not sure I understand the question as written, but in any event, YOU CANT FORGET HIS CHEATING BETRAYL. YOURE TOO GOOD FOR HIM! LEAVE HIM .
2006-11-22 08:12:52 · answer #6 · answered by Mensa Head 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Let him go you will never be able to trust him it will make you miserable.
2006-11-22 08:16:28 · answer #7 · answered by gail w 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
tell him to get lost.
2006-11-22 08:33:31 · answer #8 · answered by Apricot Brandy 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋