boyfriend worries?

Question

iv been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, all which have been happy. However, I found out that he had been going on a gay chat site which most people look for quick sex. I pulled him up about this and he said he was only chatting. I asked for his password to check his messages but he said the account was cancelled. It was cancelled the day ofter I asked this. He says he has always been faithful to me but I find it hard as to why he kept this a secret f he was only chatting. I did catch him doing this before and he promised he would not go on the site again. I know he used to meet people on this site before he met me. Has anyone been in the same situation, what was your experience?

To idiots out there, I always use protection and get tested once a year. Its not about being gay or sleeping around which I dont.

Answer 1

they always lie and say they canceled their account. Drop him and move on.

Answer 2

Finally a question I can relate to.

YES I know exactly what you mean. If you mean gaydar then I think if you're single it's fine to do what you want on there. If you're in a relationship then I don't see the need to carry on using it. If you're just chatting then I suppose it's OK-ish, but as we all know the temptation of sex is one difficult to decline.

I had this exact same problem with my current partner. I accidentily saw something that made me think. Not being one to keep it quiet I approached him and told him straight if he want's to sleep around then do me the favor and let's split as I've been out with cheats before. He told me it was just chat and that's it.

I didn't demand he cancelled the profile as it's not really my right to say but I have advised him that if I EVER see anything or hear of anything then there's no 2nd chances. He says he's never done anything apart from chatting and the only people he's ever met from there were before my time and are just friends.

We can all have horny chats on there I'm sure but as an outsider it's difficult to determine what's just chat and what's something that could lead to your partner cheating on you.

My advice is this:

Keep an eye out on this, I'm not saying get paranoid or anything but just make it clear that if anything did happen then that's it. That may scare him into being a bit more sensitive.

Good luck, but on the downside to all this. My ex did the same and said the same as your partner, not to my surprise he met someone on there and had an affair for a whole year. I found out just after he finished it so it can go both ways.

** Just read one answer on here about a friend setting up a profile and testing your b'f. I had a mate of mine do this and it did work to the extent I had some feedback but best to make sure your b'f suspects nothing.

Answer 3

In my view wombatusium has given a very good answer to this question.
Not everybody uses chat sites to look for sex. Sometimes it is only to chat to other like minded people. However, if it upsets you then you need to make your feelings clear to him and find out why he wants to use the chat site. Don't always assume the worst. Fortunately we are not all the same and we all have different needs however much we may love our partner or boyfriend. The key thing is trust since every good relationship is based on that. I have this with my partner and I know that even if he chats up other guys he still loves me. There is more to a relationship than just sex.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Sweetheart this is an old story, and too many times the girl just blindly believes the guy. You need to sit him down and say "I love you but we HAVE to have an honest talk. If you are not going to be honest we have nothing." Tell him honestly how this makes you feel, tell him your fears. Tell him you ar trying to understand but that it simply doesn't make sense. Seriously the straight men I know do not go into gay chat rooms, even the groovy fun guys who are 'okay with gays' but are straight do not go into these rooms. The only reason anyone goes there is to find a hook-up, and that is what your man is doing or is intending on doing, the cancellation of the account is a clue - it indicates guilt. If he were only chatting and if he really felt he was doing nothing wrong why close the account.

This is not going to be an easy discussion, but do you want to have it now or in five years when you are even more committed to this guy.

Believe me - I have done my share of wrong and I am just being real with you. I have blown and been blown by so many guys who have a girlfriend or wife at home it is insane, INSANE.

Answer 5

It's not something I'm especially proud of but having been in your boyfriend's position - being secretive, dismissive, and deleting my profile - I see all the hallmarks of a man who if he isn't cheating on you already, is certainly looking for the opportunity to, so it's only a matter of time. As one respondent has said, couples can agree to be unfaithful but that only works if *both* partners want this. It sounds to me as if your boyfriend does not want to be monogamous but doesn't feel able to ask you, hence the deceit. You need to confront him about this and if an admission of infidelity - or your refusal to believe a denial - signals the end of your relationship, it may be that you'll feel better off out of it. However, before you go that far, have a read of the article 'What are we doing?' in this magazine: http://www.metromate.org.uk/fs/FS72.pdf and consider if you would like to trial an 'agreement' with your bf before going so far as to break up. Good luck mate - having been both the cheater and the cheated in relationships I know how much it screws you up.

PS: I'm disgusted by the tone of some answers on here and have reported the abuse - how dare people have a go at someone who's looking for help and advice.

Answer 6

Don't worry about it, my partner and I have been together for 4 years and we both chat on gay sites all the time. I think it is healthy as it gives us time apart and allows us to make friends outside the relationship. Essentially the situation is all about trust, if you trust each other than there isn't a problem. He may just have deleted the account because he didn't want to upset you. Don't always assume the worst.

Answer 7

hi there.

had the same problem myself a while back.

heres the solution. sneaky but effective.

i had a friend set up a fake profile and flirt with my other half over the net. as it turned out he agreed to meet this ficticious adonis for a drink

actually the person that walked into the pub on the arranged day was me. with a large binbag full of his stuff. the look, priceless, the feeling, amazing, the boyfriend, history.

was single for 6 months while i got my head together, and am now in a very nice relationship with a HOT 21 yr old........have never looked back.

you deserve better. make urself happy, you dont need this ****!

good luck! x

Answer 8

I'm going to focus on the point that sticks out the most for me: he made a promise to you and broke it, effectively lying to you.

Was he guilty of doing something naughty online? Possibly. He could have; he might have been intending to; he might never have even thought about it and be totally innocent. But now it's not about that anymore- it's about the lie.

Deal with that instead, because it is a serious problem in your relationship if you can't have trust. Good luck.

Answer 9

Dude... stop being so ignorant!!

You've caught him before, he's done it AGAIN, and if you continue to date his unfaithful a.ss he WILL do it again.

Same thing happened w/ my boyfriend... I had tried calling my house phone & it would just ring... no answer. I knew he was home. I tried again... nothing.
...so I called the chat line & within the first 3 minutes I had found him. I told him what I needed to tell him & I let him have it later when I got home. I kicked his a.ss out of my house... AND HE ONLY DID IT ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It comes down to you. You have proof that he's STILL cruisin' 4 a.ss on the chat thingy. If you can handle being hurt over and over again, DATE THE BASTARD. If you decide that IGNORANCE is NOT your BLISS, get rid of the bastard!!

Good Luck w/ that.

Answer 10

It depends. I think you have every right to confront him about using the site..I don't, however, think that you have the right to read his messages--that's sorta like reading somebodies diary to me. But, if he lied to you about 1 thing I don't know how trustworthy he is. He seems to have been proven to have been lying before.. It's always hard to believe in someone again.

Answer 11

Very common but they say they lie to have stopped. Even if you love him this much try to keep him off for he may be a problem in your future commitment. (marriage) I would advise you not to for there are many young men who are saved and serious in need of the kind of relationship. The decision is yours. But many dont change for life. Mind yours .......