How do I tell my boy friends mom to back off?

Question

Me and my man are planning on getting engaged but his mother is in the way.she was never around wile he was growing up she basically abandoned him and after she and his step dad split up,boyfriend was about 22 or so,she threatend to kill herself so he felt he had to be there for her.they ended up becoming very entangled.She had a huge emotional dependancy on him seeming incestial.She says he has been the man in her life and she keeps trying to breek us up.my man and i asked her to quit calling all the time and to narrow it to once a week but she still calls every day.She always compares me and her and says i am fake and other stuff and causes us to fight.When shes not around me and my man get along so well. his mom is phsyco! she has called me and cussed me out saying i am taking him away and then told him that i was the one who called her cussing.i just want to see my man stand up for me and stand his ground.how do i deal with his mother.am i rong for thinkin shes incest?is she normal

Answer 1

Your boyfriend needs to step up to the plate and deal with his mother. Don't respond to her outbursts or let her see that it irritates you. She sounds like the type that uses this as fuel to continue her harassment. If she says anything to you tell her she needs to direct her concerns to her son because you don't give a flying F what she has to say.

Answer 2

I went through the exact same situation in my last relationship. My x bf's Mom treated him like that was her bf and was very jealous of me. Before we were together and he didn't have a gf he would send her roses on Valentine's Day, they would hang out together all the time, he would buy her expensive jewlery at Christmas........etc. When we all would be in public she would hang on him and hold his hand while we walked........people thought that was his gf.........it was not a normal son/mother relationship. But my bf wouldn't stick up for me either and chose not to even see half the stuff that others thought was so bizarre. The more I confronted him about it, the more he would stick up for her, and it caused many fights. When we got engaged she wouldn't even say congratualtions, she just walked away and acted as if it never happened. We ended up splitting up and she was the main cause of it. I am telling u right now, if he does not stand up to his Mom and let her know that u are number one in his life, this will destroy u and him. Those types of mothers are not normal, they are expecting their son's to fill the role of a man in their life and meet their needs, instead of being a son. The Mom won't change, it has to be the son who does, so seriously sit with him calmly and let him know if he doesn't stand up for you and show his Mom how much u mean to him that it will destroy what u have. I wish u all the best, and I know what u are going through........I hope it works out for u.

Answer 3

THere appaers to be this universal problem with mother inlaws and mother inlaws to be. Some are just minor problems and personality clashes that resolve themselves intome. Others well when you have some one taht has a mental health issue and can be manipulative that can be just plain hard. If she is threatening to hurt herself and your boyfriends responds it means that she has found the classic way of geting people's attention. Your boy friend obviouslyy loves his mum and as most boys/men do want to help. the mother/child bond is realy strong even when the parent is manupulative and emmotionally abusive. You could try setting up a contract with her. You ring this day and this day nad come around for tea once a fortnight/month. You could try being realy understanding and try to help her. But it sounds like no matter what you do this woman will find a way of sabbatging it and this is where is gets tricky.

Your best bet is to discuss with your B/F what he wnats to do and how he see's it and get him to come up with some ideas. Comparing her to you and telling you she does not wnat you and him to get married is not supportive and appropriate and maybe she needs to be told this. But at the end of the day you B/f needs to set some boundaries. Like ringing once a week - dont answer the phone when it rings and monitor the calls until mum gets the idea that this is a boundary. It sounds like you and b/f need to be very committed to setting appropriate boundaries. Good luck

Answer 4

No, I think you have the right to think whatever you want in this situation. It kinda reminds me of a Lifetime for Women episode. If the mother continues to call, get caller Id then you will know if it is her. Tell the mom that your boyfriend is 22 and that he can still be part of her life, but he also needs time with you. Although, how hard it might seem, take the time to maybe take his mother out to dinner just you and her and explain that you are both there for her.Maybe the mother just needs to know that you are not taking her little baby away. Otherwise, talk to your boyfriend and tell him that he is a grown man. Tell him that his mother's rude comments and reactions are affecting you. If the boyfriend takes his mother's side just to protect her, tell him that you can't deal with this anymore and that he is a grown man to make his own decisions. If it comes to worse, although you might not want to do this, have him choose between you and his mother. If he picks his mother over you...it will show his immaturity and that is a sign for you to move on with your life. Do you want to babysit him and his mother all the time to make them happy, or would you like to get on to your life and be happy for you? Do what's best for you...If he decides to side with his mother and you go along with it, you will just be miserable and there will still be controvery all the time.

Answer 5

you should not be the one telling her to back off. If this situation is getting in between you and your bf than you need to tell him how you feel so he can sit down and chat w. his mom. I think you are being a little harsh on the mother as well... You need to understand that she's been in bad relationship and the only person she has and trust is her son. Another thing to keep in mind is every mother feels threaten when they feel that they are being replace by a gf. ( I know this b/c my mother inlaw acts the same way like ur bf's mother). i don't think you should limit her to only calls once a wk afterall, that is his mother.
Have you given her a fair chance as well? Include her both of your life so she doesn't feel that she lost her son for good. She cared for her son and a different way as you care for him. I am speaking from a daughter in-law's point of view. My mother inlaw shut me while when I first got married to her son. Now that we tried to include her in some of the things she feels secure and that her son is in good hand.

Answer 6

It is not your job to be dealing with her. Your "man" should be the responsible party, and if he doesn't care enough about how uncomfortable his mother is making you feel, why would you want to remain with him? You have every right to be annoyed with her and him, but tell him that you don't want to hear about or help with her issues. Offer that you would love to listen to his feelings and comfort him, but that he needs to realize that his Mom is only going to bring him down further. Good luck!

Answer 7

Run, drop all things and run out of this relationship right away. It isn't just the mom - she wouldn't be calling daily, if she wasn't getting some encouragement from your fella.

This is some bad mogambo - and you will regret this relationship all your life if you pursue it.

Answer 8

I think in this situation he needs to stand his ground for the two of you, he needs to tell her to let him go and live his own life and be there for support only and if she cant do this maybe he should all ties with her. Then she will get the message!

Answer 9

She sounds like a nut case.

Your boyfriend needs to see to it that you are no longer bothered.
He needs to put up boundries.

If your bf won't protect you from her, you need to seriously think about how crrazy a long term relationship with him would be like with her around.

It might be insane. and you might need to find a guy who can stand up to his mother.
BTW get caller ID and just don't answer any calls from her.
Move if you have to

Answer 10

Make that man step up to bat for you. He should deal with his mother and tell her to respect you. she is not your mother and I'm sure you would tell your mom to back off if she was rude to him.