Husband or Boyfriend? How do I know if I'm making the right decision?

Question

Trying to give the most details with the least amount of words here... Husband and I have 3 young boys. Separated in June. I started seeing Boyfriend. Boyfriend is 23, I'm 30. Going through HORRIBLE financial struggles. I broke up with BF and asked HB to come home on 10/11. He did. I miss BF like crazy. Still talk on the phone, see each other occasionally etc.
There were a lot of reasons HB and I separated. He was depressed for a year...didn't move from the couch. Let me pretty much support us for that year. Started getting cranky all the time. He is definitely willing to put us back together, but I almost feel like it's too late. He loves me the "no matter what kind of love."

Boyfriend: HOT. He's HOT. He's sweet, he loves me, he's willing to help me get out of the financial situation I'm in. But, he's not the boys dad, nor will he ever be. Last night I told BF that I'm giving my marriage 6 months. If it's not back on track in that time, we're done.

Thank you. Disgusting, I'm not. When I started seeing BF, HB and I had already visited a lawyer for divorce. I decided that we needed to try, so that we'll know for sure that this is the right decision. I want to add that the feelings I have for BF, I've never had for HB. And HB admits to never having them for me.

And for the people who are giving me crap about cheating, I'm NOT cheating. I live on purpose, and for me that means that I never, EVER lie about anything. I don't do anything that isn't worth admitting to. (Thank you very much.) HB and I, no matter what will always be friends. We're best friends who happened to be married. I think I'm just really hurting from the finality of not seeing BF anymore, even as friends (as we have been). I chose to do that because I feel I need to give HB a shot. And, if we're not on the right course in 6 months, I figure we probably aren't going to get on it, right? I'm just going through some really hard stuff right now- Painful

Answer 1

I haven't read every response...... but for the life of me I cant see where ANYONE can fault you.... sounds to me as if you have given this ALOT of thought, and from the information you've given us- you sound VERY fair.......... IF in fact you and the hubby find your way back to each other- I can see you cutting all ties to the BF. In my opinion- you have given your marriage TOP PRIORITY and a 2nd chance..... while alot of people these days are quick to just suggest a divorce. Good luck- not for you, not for the bf, or hubby, or marriage: Good luck for all parties involved.... because in the end... someone is going to come up short.

Answer 2

Wow sounds like you've already put alot of healthy thought into the situation. Probablly a good idea to give it a try with husband/father of your kids.
I'm sure you'll get alot of righteous "marriage is forever, adultry is evil" responses, not from me though. My advice, really use this 6 mos. period productively, if you guys can do councelling, it can be helpful to have that neutral third party factor, let him know what your expectations are, what it's going to take to make it work, is he good w/ the kids? For me that right there would make or break the deal, cause my kids come first. And the bf, he probablly is real hot, young energetic, everything the hubby isnt... but dont let that be a distraction, which eye candy can be. Look out for yours and your kids future, do whats best for all of you. Financial struggles can suck the life out of a marriage like a cancer. Can you go to a financial advisor or debt consolidator? Good luck...

Answer 3

This boyfriend who is hot and loves you and blah blah blah. Do you really know this kid well enough? Aren't all people wonderful when we first meet them and we see no faults? Ask yourself this, was your husband like this when you first met?
Here is what i see happening if you try the bf thing. After all the fireworks are over and the "honeymoon period" is gone. He is going to look at the situation and realize he doesn't want to take on three kids and someone much older than him. He'll split and you'll be left alone. Or, he could turn into some asshole after he gets real comfortable with you. How many times have we seen significant others turn into monsters after they quit pretending?
Good luck.

Answer 4

you are headed in the right direction, at least give your marriage a shot, that way you know you will have done everything possible. If your husband wants to really try he will and you can tell it. But on the other hand it might sound like you are settling, only you will know. If might be you will always wonder wht might have been. Let me give you a little advice. Choose the one with the best heart and the one who is most decent, that is what will win out in the long run. Loyalty and stability will be there but hot dies like and ember. When it is out it is out.

Answer 5

i think counseling would do u goood
but u did the right thing because u gave him 6 months trial
but here is what u did wrong : u are still seeing b.f
if u want to give hubby a chance be fair, be forgiving, live up to ur promise for better or for worse and let him take all the attention he deserves if he;s getting a 2nd real shot because thats kidding ur self to elvate guilt.
ur like yeah i gave him 6 months and thats it , no give him a real chance to win ur heart, be brave and dont break ur hubby's heart because it seems he;s devoted and yours for life . yours for life is GREAAAT,
and u said he's no matter what kind of love thats unconditional love that you have
dont throw that away you have a gift that gets cranky and tired and sick and goes through hardships and this gift is called a Man
he's normal

Answer 6

I dont think you need to see a councellor.
I feel as though you are handling your situation very well.
Give your relationship with your hubby 6 months, see if it improves... if not... then get a divorce.
You are a very understanding and compromising lady to even consider giving your marriage a second change.
I hope though, that your husband and you sort your problems out...just as long as you cut all ties with the boyfriend for the next 6 months

Answer 7

Your decision is fair enough to all 3 parties. However, end of the day, do consider how your kids will be in the situation too. Sometimes rationalism and love for the boys take over self-happiness in the marriage till later years.

Answer 8

What and how you say things is how we read it. Your husband was depressed for a year or more according to you. He didn't move off the couch according to you. Well if we read it correct sounds like your husband was sick and needed help. Did he get it? We don't know.

Now you asking what to do. Go with lust or go with husband who had been sick? Not for us to say. You made some vows back when you got married and seems they meant nothing to either one of you.

Go with the BF. When and if he gets depressed find another one that is hot. I am sure your boys will learn a lot from it.

Answer 9

It's not easy. But remember that lust is good in the beginning. True love is not only about passion but commitment. You got to sort out what you want first. Go see a counseller. Talk to your husband. First choice is always try to make the marriage work. Life is not only about yourself but also about the people you bring to this world. Start taking some responsibility.

Answer 10

Are you willing to sacrifice going through financial struggles with your boyfriend than with your husband? He is only 23 and still tryign to find himself, do you think he is ready to be involved with your boys emotionally and how would your sons accept him? If your husband is willing to work on the marriage, why not give him a chance and giving him 6months will not solve all your problems.