I have a major dession to make about my marriage, and I'm merely hoping for some honest feedback.Stay or go?

Question

I"ve been dating my now husband for 5 yrs. and in the last few years he began to critisize almost everything I did or said, yet in little ways. It was so subtle that I'd thought it was just me. After we got married 5 monthes ago I'm realizing that this problem is pervasive and undermining my self asteem. If it is'nt what I "dont do", it's what I shoul've done, or I'm over reacting. Those are his answers when I ask why he is on me all the time, picking @ everything I say and do, untill I feel I'm merely an irritant to him. Yet I took my vows very seriously, and don't know what to do, I'm incredibly sad almost all the time, and I feel like a failure. After all the years we were together, do I just forget him? And if so, how do I rebuild "me"? I've lost me somewhere, along the way, thank you for any help or advise you can give! It would mean alot.

Answer 1

This book REALLY helped me examine my marriage and decide to stay or go.

LOVE MUST BE TOUGH

I am SO SORRY that you are basically being torn down. Please find a trusted friend that can be there for you and help you maintain perspective on what is right and wrong. And talk to them so you don't blow up like a tea kettle one day and then he says "See you ARE blalblablabl" like an ******* b/c that is what they do. So release that tension.

He is being difficult and unrealistic.

The book will help to tell you to stay or go and if you STAY how to act to potentially change how things are.

Answer 2

Im sure its a little of both you feel so small in his eyes now tht any thing more he'll say is considered a put down to you and you dont' want to hear it.

He could like things done a certain way and he gets frustrated when he feels you should already know these things. he loves you of course but he expects more from his wife your not just some woman on the side or a girlfriend. I think he just has a set way about doing things and would like for you to have thought of them yourself sometimes its good if you can read your husband i mean before he has to come out and ask. it makes htings much easier. And he will be more relaxed.

Try it his way don't look at it as a put down or he's berating you he isn't doing that by the way you wrote its more what you should have done in this for instance case. Maybe he wants you mature enough to handle things when he's not around and wants more of a wife not wanting to baby sit you wondering what will come out of your mouth that may be in appropriate.

You can fight this all you want but yous ee where its getting you your miserable he isn't changing. i would suggest really tryingto look at this from another angle and then give it your best shot dont' say you can't do it till you tryed. and after all that if you still are doing what he wants and yet he still complains then its not you. he's just a nit picker

Answer 3

Sit down with your husband and have an honest talk with him. He may not even know what he's doing and how it makes you feel. Let him know that what he is saying is hurting you and making you feel inferior. For example, "When you complain about the way I do ___________, it makes me feel like I can't do anything right.. like nothing I do is good enough.".

He might have some legitimate complaints, but isn't communicating things to you in a respectful way. However you do it, to save your marriage you have to be able to communicate things good and bad without bickering 80% of the time.

So, get books, see a counselor, do yoga... whatever it is that will help you two to start talking about what is really going on. Bless you for taking your vows seriously, and taking the first step to realization that something needs to happen. I wish you both the best.

Answer 4

Stay - From your brief description of the situation, it doesn't seem like its a lost cause. Nowhere do you mention that you have brought this up to him - have the two of you discussed your concerns? If not, maybe he doesn't even realize what he's doing it. Even if he does. maybe he doesn't realize how much it bothers you. The two of you obviously loved each other long enough and to the extent that you were married - why question if you should stay or go without a fight for your relationship. Obviously your description is brief, and my comments may be way off. However, there's a lot to be said for a good conversation. Good luck!~

Answer 5

I took my vows seriously also, but do you remember anywhere in the vows that say you have to be belittled all the time? We use the "Vow" word as a crutch to not do the right thing. I was emotionally abused for 15 years. That wasn't part of my vows, yet I stayed all that time.

I have been divorced now 1 1/2 years and I realize how wrong I was to stay in a damaging relationship. It isn't what God wants when we take our vows.

I lost myself and now I am finding who I really am. It's scary and fun all at the same time. You know what you need to do. I know how hard it is to muster the courage to bury something that is dead, but do it now before you have 15 years invested in a train wreck. I also have 3 kids that are heartbroken too. How do I ever tell them that their dad is a creep? Someday they will see that I did the right thing and hopefully that will give them the courage to always do the same. GL

Answer 6

There are a couple of things you can do before you call it quits. First there is the I want to talk you have to listen speech. Sit him down and say "Hey, I am an intelligent person with real feelings and I don't like what your saying." Explain to him how you are feeling, why you are feeling it, back it up with evidence and support your arguments. If he still says that you are overreacting, you tell him that... the second thing you can do is seek councilling. Talking to a third party often helps others to realise their flaws and issues and help to resolve them. Working together for a better relationship takes compromise and communication and patients.

If nothing seems to get through to him, nothing at all helps him to understand the way you are feeling, the way he is with you, then for your own good leave him. Its not worth years of resentment, sadness and fighting only to feel like you've lost who you are. You are a beautiful person, know that and sort out your life. Good luck

Answer 7

My personal experience after 15 yrs of the same type of negativity, & even though our divorce has been final for just over a year, I struggle everyday with my own self-worth and because we have two young children together he can still manipulate me. I allowed this person to suck the life right out of me to the point of not having a clue who the real "me" is, but even though I struggle on a daily basis, I know I made the right decision. Don't waite like I did, eventually everything will end up being your fault, regaurdless of how its phrased. I know first hand . If I had only known then what I know now if you know what I mean. Run, run as fast and as far as you can, and if you trip along the way and look up to see him standing there, but of course it was somehow your fault you tripped over him, stand up, brush your self off and keep going. Good luck

Answer 8

i have been there done that. I lived with mine for 8 years married for 2 years and now divorced for 6 years. And am just now "rebuilding" myself. You need to get out now if things are as bad as you say. Self esteem is not something you get back easily believe me! He may not physically abuse you but psychological abuse is worse. If you have noticed it over the past 5 months then it has been going on for longer than that. Just because you love him does not mean that you have to stay and keep getting abused. He will never change. Look at his family and see if he learned by example. Don't live your life that way. You did not say if there were children involved but would you want your children growing up in that?

Answer 9

Your husband sounds like an "emotional" abuser, & you are his enabler. "After all the years we were together..." Do you want to spend more of the same? I've been married twice; the first when I was much too young, & in the second, when I truly realized I was "losing" my autonomy, I had no choice but to get out as quickly as possible. Please, don't "let" yourself lose yourself! The second time wasn't as easy (perhaps it's never "easy"), & it took me awhile to "re-discover" myself--but do believe me--I did, & looking back, it was perhaps the most wise thing I ever did. "Freedom" of self, self respect & esteem, a whole new world opened up, & I've never felt better about myself, or my life. Some day I'm going to write a satire on "The Joy of Living Alone." My second wasn't without positive qualities, & there's something almost "poetic" in that, after the divorce, we were the best of companions, & I was his ONLY caretaker as he was dying. In my humble opinion, I don't think we ever "forget" someone we loved. I also learned, as years went by, to remember the "best" of him. But, I shall NEVER regret leaving him. I feel, had I continued, I'd have gone up in a poof of smoke & totally vanished. WHATEVER you choose, you must, & can, "rebuild" yourself. Living feeling "sad" isn't living at all. Perhaps you have a good friend with whom you could talk about what's going on, just for input, not advice or judgments. I value your sharing; I hope I've in some way been able to "help."

***I feel I must add that: We even discussed problems ON TAPE so we could really listen to each other, & I suggested family therapy (I had an adorable stepson) but after the first session, they both refused to return, & I continued alone for a little while. The therapist simply confirmed what I already knew in my heart.
& THAT is where you need to look deeply, since no one else can "tell" you what you SHOULD do.

Answer 10

if he's been doing this behavior for "the last few years" why did you marry him 5 months ago? you went in with your eyes open knowing what hes like, but there must have been something you still liked about him or you wouldnt have married. ive lived with women before and its funny how when your just living together its easy to just put the things that you dont like about the person on the back burner cuz you always know in the back of your mind that you can walk out anytime. but the second your married, the permanence of the situation suddenly hits you and all the things that you didnt like but didnt do anything to stop, suddenly overwhelm you cuz you know its suddenly permanent. its a kind of panic. try to concentrate on the things that you love about this guy. there must be some things. i think the real problem here is why a sane rational woman would go ahead and marry a guy thats been belittling her for years. i think a good therapist may help you find the answer to this question. and if you can figure out the "why", it will give you the self-knowledge and power to confront your husband in a way that he will understand just how serious you are about it. good luck, and i commend you for your stand on the seriousness of your vows