I need major advice please!!!!!!!!!!?

Question

I am in a very diffucult situation righ tnow and would like to find some support and advice on what to do and how to handel things. Well first off I am a 21 year old married mother of two girls who are currently int he custody of the state. They have been out of my home for about 6 months now. They were taken away due to our financial problems. My husband and I have been also having alot of marital problems. He is an alcoholic and his drinking is also part of the reason why our girls are not living at home at this time. He refuses to get help or just stop on his own. I'm not sure if some of you think this is alot but he drinks a 12 pack every night. Right now we are already having problems with saving our money and making our bill payments on time. He spends about $200 a month on beer. That money could be going to other thigns we need to pay for, but he doesn't seem to care. Anyways, to my point. I have wanted to leave him for over a year now but I don't know how I'd even be able to make it on my own without him. All my family lives up north while I now live in the south. They are unable to help me with anything and I have very few friend here, non in which could help me at all with anything, little or big. Right now I have no money to my name, it al goes to rent and bills, and beer. I tryed to keep it from him but he always seems to get his hands on it. You may say to open a bank account that only I can access but in the past he had talked me into commiting account fraud when we wer in difficult times and I am not longer able to open a bank account under my name for the next 5-6 years. Yesh, I know I am not perfect but at the time I made that mistack we were about to be evicted and homeless, we had trouble keeping our utilities on and I didn't know of any other way except that at the time. I want to get a divorce from him but I'm soooo scared I won't be able to handel it myself. I am sooo scared that if I go to a case worker with DFAX here, that my girls will never come home. I don't want to live in a shelter. I have no transportation on my own and don't even know how to drive. I don't know where to begin. I'm so terrified that if I leave my whole life will be worse then it already is. I can't even stand to be near him anymore. We haven't been intimate in months and I even hate the thought of kissing him goodbye anymore. I am soo unhappy and want out so badly but I just don't think I can do it by myself. Has anyone else been in this situation or know someone who has? What did you or they do??? What do I do???? I don't want to fail my girls, I want them home again with mommy like they should be. I can't stand it anymore!!!!!

Answer 1

I answer a lot of questions, and yours is not an unusual problem, but it takes some guts and determination to wish to change. Read and then read it again tomorrow. And good luck.....

Firstly, your children do NOT below with you.... you and your husband are disfunctional---Do you know what that means? and do you understand what that implies? It means that you and he cannot parent in your present situation....That to leave those children with you would damage their chances beyond anything you can see, to become contributing members of this society.... that is why they were put in protective custody. They are better off just about anywhere else than with you two. So, accept that fact for now.

Secondly, it's the "you two" that appear to be the problem here. Your ability to manage money is so bad, that you cannot do it well enough to feed even your own children...(by your own admission!!!) again, that is why they are not in your household.... the state has decided they need a better environment. You have admitted that your husband is a drunk. And, since he can support his drinking habit perfectly well as is, he has no reason to stop. And yes, honey, 12 cans of beer in one evening certainly entitles him to the label of an alcoholic. (Addictions are all difficult to treat, much less cure... No alcoholic ever considers himself cured, just not drinking presently. If you do nothing, your life will continue just as it has, you will simply get older with this guy, and your children will grow up in foster care without you. The two of you are more or less "gone" but your girls will have a chance to get out of the mess you and he have created and possibly create a life for themselves thanks to the state and the wonderful people who do foster care.)

But what about you? You have said that you are unhappy, and indeed you should be...OMG who on this planet would trade places with you.... This is a great country, with lots of opportunities and second chances for anyone brave enough to get out of a mess, and go it alone for awhile. So let's talk about practical answers. Of course you don't want to live in a shelter... does anyone? Geez hon, it is no life at all, but it sure as hell is better than what you are with. All I can suggest is what I would do in your place.(and, when I read this question, you have already decided that about the only thing that would cure your problem is if someone gave you a ton of cash. I don't see one word in here of "What are my options? What kinds of things can I do to improve myself? What kind of training can I get that will pay well? Where would I go for counseling in careers?" I don't see any questions like this...All I see is an implied, 'give me some money so I can have what I want (my children) and someone else pay me for doing nothing...poor me, I know no one who will take care of me, no friends no relatives, I'll just sit here until someone saves me from this drunk I am married to..... yadayadayada..." You get the picture?

As it sits, you will not get your children back. You do not have a marriage, he is a parasite. Leave, get into a shelter for awhile, then a place of your own. Get a divorce. Get a job. After you get the hang of this working stuff, get some therapy. (the state will provide that too) Go back to school if you are college material. In five years, you should be in pretty good shape. Then you can make a case to get your children back. Now, of course 5 years sounds like forever. But those years are going to pass anyway, with or without you moving ahead. In five years you can still be there, or in 5 years you can have some education, a job, some respect, some money of your own, and your children back. Which road looks better? From a therapists point of view, this is a no brainer. But the choice is yours.

Answer 2

HELLO,
YOUR ONLY CHOICE WOULD BE GO TO A SHELTER.....AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT THEN TOUGH YOUR DOING IT FOR YOUR GIRLS....I AM A MOTHER OF 2 GIRLS AND I WAS YOUNG WHEN I HAD MY FIRST....I WAS ALSO WITH AN ALCHOLIC AND HE DID THE SAME THING TO ME ....I HID MONEY ALL OVER THE HOUSE AND HE WOULD FIND IT TO SPEND ON BEER OR WHAT EVER ELSE HE COULD FIND....BUT YOU NEED A STABLE ENVIRONMENT FOR YOUR GIRLS AND ONCE IN STATE CUSTODY IT IS VERY HARD TO GET YOUR CHILDREN BACK.....BUT YOU HAVE TO PROVE TO THE STATE THAT YOU CAN DO IT ON YOUR OWN AND THEN THEY WILL GRADUALY GRANT CUSTODY BACK TO YOU BY VISITS EVERY WEEK AND THEN OVER NIGHT STAYS,..THE GIRLS GROWING UP WITH OUT A MOTHER IS HORRIBLE AND YOU NEED TO THINK OF THEM RIGHT NOW AND THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT HERE THAT WILL HELP YOU JUST HAVE TO ASK FOR IT AND STOP WORRING ABOUT IF YOUR GOING TO MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN AND SAY I AM GOING TO MAKE IT NO MATTER WHAT.....YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE ATTITUDE THAT YOUR GOING TO MAKE IT WITH OUT HIM OR YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE HIM AND THE GIRLS WILL BE LOST TO THE STATE FOR THERE WHOLE LIFE AND YOU DON'T REALLY WANT THAT I CAN TELL BY WHAT YOU WROTE......LEAVE HIS SORRY A## ON THE COUCH WHERE HE CAN DEAL WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS HIS SELF AND DON'T LOOK BACK AND MAKE A NEW LIFE WITH OUT HIM....YOUR CHILDREN ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SOME MAN THAT IS DOING NOTHING BUT USING YOU ANY WAY AND HE MORE THAN LIKELY MADE YOU LOOSE YOUR GIRLS ISN'T THAT ENOUGH TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE AROUND??????PLEASE WAKE UPI AND SMELL THE GRASS ON THE OTHER SIDE AND THINK OF HOW YOUR GIRLS ARE FEELING WITH OUT THERE MOMMY AT THEIR SIDE.....I KNO YOU STILL PROBABLY LOVE HIM SOME WHERE OR ELSE YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE ASKING FOR ADVICE....BUT TIME HEALS OPEN WOUNDS AND THERE ARE PLENTY OF MEN THAT WILL EXCEPT YOU AND YOUR GIRLS THAT WILL TREAT YOU LIKE GOLD.....SO PLEASE DO IT FOR YOUR GIRLS AND GET AWAY FROM HIM AS FAR AS YOU CAN AND IF HE REALLY LOVES YOU HE WILL STRAITEN UP AND GET HIS LIFE TOGETHER......BUT ODVIOUSLEY HE DON'T BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE FOR YOUR GIRLS SAKE AND YOU WOULD NOT BE GOING THROUGH THIS.....HOPE YOU TAKE MY ADVICE AND GET THE HELP YOU NEED.....GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

Yes I have been there. I have two boys who live with their father, My second husband was on drugs and a heavy drinker. When I got prenent I was in college at night, working 40 hours a week and he sat at home. When I got feed up this is what I did...I left and stayed where ever I could night by night....Then I put out a restraining order...There is housing and other types of assistance. i know you said that you didnt want ot live in a shelter but that will prove to the state that youare tring for your kids sake. They can help you find a place and start over. They will also help make sure you see your kids. If you dont gret out now it may be to late...For their sake get some help. I now have my boys every Wendsday night,every other weekend, summer, and all of the school breaks. For 3 years my ex told me it wouldnt happen...I have them to love and that makes leaving worth it!

Answer 4

Been in your shoes before and it is very scary. But you have to leave him in order to end the vicious cycle you're in. Think about it - your kids are in foster care just so he can waste the family's money on beer. His priorities are screwed up and you just hanging in there is only going to make it worse. Doing it alone is scary but you can do it. Go to a church and ask for help. Churches have programs in place to help women in that situation. You can have your check direct deposited on a debit card until you get your banking situation straightened out. (If you pay off what you owe the bank, you don't have to wait the 5 years all they want is the money back and youre good to go.) Call the social worker in charge of your kids case, find out what you need to do to get them back, and then do it! When you get them back, move back to where you have family to support you, watch the kids while you work, etc.

Don't ever think that you can't do it, because you can.

Answer 5

okay, first thing, find out where to apply for section 8 housing( thats the help with housing, if your income is low enough, which you personaly have none so should not be a problem) ussually they have a 1-3 year waiting list, so do that now. then if you dont already have public assistance, ie...food stamps, wic, ect, apply for it. call whoever is in charge of you kids, and ask them exactly what they want for you to get your kids back, make it your newst most important check list you have ever had, and do everything they say you need to do. call a womens shelter, i know you dont want to, but they are thier to help dependant women become self sufficient, they can offer you a home, protection from abuse, job training, help you find available resourses in your area, and they can help you with anything you have to do to get your kids back. if your husband is not willing to quit drinking, they will not give your kids back if you stay with him, so, once you know where your going, just leave him. if you do it while hes gone write him a letter letting him know why you left. he may get help of his own when your gone.

i wish you the best of luck, if you need more info, you can contact me, i would be more than happy to help...just remember those girls and what is best for them is the most important thing right now.

Answer 6

Ok i know that you must miss your girls but its problably better where they are in the mean time. you need to take responsibility as a mother to leave this man and start over. if you want your kids back like you say you will do whatever it takes to get them back. it will be hard but you will be happy without this man. and you will have your kids back. so the decision is pretty easy as far as i am concerned get rid of him find a job and start doing whatever the state tells you to do to get your girls back. you can do it. your girls are depending on you this man cost you your girls now he is not worth it nobody is worth more than your kids. be strong. there is help put there just ask. make sure you get some child support from this asshole too. good luck to you.

Answer 7

You need to leave him! It will be very hard, but YOU CAN DO IT! It's the only way that (eventually) you'll be able to stand on your own two feet and take care of your children. I suggest you go to a caseworker and ask for help. Be completely honest, and tell them that you want a fresh start and will do anything to get your kids back.

Everyone deserves a second chance! Good luck to you and your girls.

Answer 8

Try going to Metropolitan Housing. Maybe they can get you set up with an apartment or house as your first step. If he is abusive try going to a battered womens shelter they will be able to help you get your life back on track. If none of that works then go down and get your drivers license and try to get a job. You need to become independent and start the process of seperating yourself from the problem before it gets worse.

Answer 9

Been there done that.....Go to a shelter or whatever you have to do to get away from him...The first step is the toughest, but once you are out it get easier every day you are gone from him.....DO this for your children, they are depending on you. Once he finds out where you are he will be trying to get you to come back, making you promises he will not keep. Have a restraining order against him.
If you e.mail me, I`ll try to help you more.
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Good Luck and Be safe

Answer 10

get some money, get the hell out there. pack just clothes. move back with a friend, and family. start over. your kids are in the best situation as of right now because neither of you are responsible. get your life straight before you can help your kids.