My wife thinks I was a virgin when we married because I lied to her. She was definately a virgin. Was I wrong

Question

My wife told me she was a virgin and that she only wanted to marry a guy that had never had sex before. Well I had been with 4 women before her but since women can't tell if guys are virgins or not, I just lied and said I was. I know when we married she was definitely a virgin and I'm glad she has only had sex with me because I wouldn't have wanted other guys doing that with her. We have been married for about a year now. Should I tell her I wasn't a virgin or just not say anything about it? To me I don't think it matters wether a guy is a virgin or not.

Answer 1

You were WRONG to start your relationship with a lie. Now, you're having to face the consequences of your lies.

It might not matter to YOU, but it obviously DOES matter to HER.

Answer 2

You sound like a holdover from the 1950's who wants to have his cake and eat it too. You say you're glad you're the only man your wife has slept with then you say that male virginity is irrelevent.
I don't see why it should bother you if your wife does it with someone else. Part of the idea of saving yourself for marriage is that you're being faithful to that special person before you've even met her or him. That's why some people (particularly religious types) believe that fornication and adultery are one and the same thing. Virginity is about more than just an intact hymen. It's also about the experience or lack of experience that makes up a person. There's a saying that whenever you sleep with someone you're sleeping with everyone they've slept with. Your wife wanted a man who wasn't bringing other women to bed(figuratively speaking) and you have the chutzpah to celebrate the fact that she didn't bring another man to bed(figuratively speaking again) after deceiving her.

Whether or not you tell your wife is your choice? It may be best that she never learns the truth because it could cause more hurt than healing. If she does find out it wouldn't bother me if she files for a divorce. Nor would it bother me if she got back at you by sleeping with another man. After all, fair is fair! If you can have your experiences with other women why can't your wife have experiences with other men? She would only be making herself into your equal. If you accept the premise that premarital chastity equals marital fidelity you wouldn't have any right to complain if she does.

Answer 3

You were wrong to lie about this but since you did and it has been a year I wouldn't say anything at all. It is besides the point now but you should be ashamed of yourself for telling this particular lie. You talk about how happy your are that she had not been with another man, suppose she feels the same way? You have cheated her of something precious so if you go and open your big mouth now you could blow the whole thing because no matter what else you will be proved to be a liar and that is not the way to treat one you are married to. Do not hurt her just so that you can feel better. You told the lie so now you keep it unless you want a lot of lingering problems in your marriage. You did wrong, make sure you do not do anything like that again. Cheaters never prosper and Liars always loose.

Answer 4

Most definitely. Obviously, your conscience must be bothering you for you to bring it up. What if something comes up with her health wise down there and she doesn't know any other way that it could have appeared specially if she knows she only sleeps with you, what's gonna happen then? Or what if she happen to meet one of these women out in the street and they introduce herself to your wife (you know girls can be vindictive like that sometimes), would you want her to hear this information from someone else? You've just been married for a year, so it's best to let her know NOW before you let time go by some more and just get it off your chest. I'm sure she will be upset for a minute (or a while), but when you are open about it and let her know that you made a mistake by not telling her because you didn't know how to present the situation, fear of losing her or didn't know how she would view you afterwards, I'm sure she will try to have a listening ear and try to work with you on the trust issue that will be there after she's told. It will take time to build her trust again, but if she loves you and you work to amend the mistake, I'm sure it will work out fine. But don't let a lie linger it WILL come out sooner or later. And it's best to let it come out thru you than thru someone else that's going to boast that lie in her face. You feel me. Good luck.

Answer 5

Why is there always a double standard when it comes to men and women having sex. You had sex before you were married and you say you wouldn't want your wife to have had sex with other guys. As someone who is currently engaged, I would want honesty. Marriage is built on trust and honesty. Both my finance and I are very open and honest with each other. Whether or not we had sex before him and I met doesn't matter. The relationship is about us now not the past. You cannot go back and fix the past. Tell your wife the truth ain't no since in her living a lie. If she loves you like you say she will understand. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

You shouldnt have lied. If she loved you she would still have married you. No women cant tell if guys are virgins and guys cant tell if a woman is a virgin either. I think you should tell her. Its wrong to continue the marriage with lies. If it didnt matter then you wouldnt mind if she came to you and said she lied she wasnt a virgin either, right? If somethings comes up down the line like you having HIV or AIDs you would have to tell her. Why not avoid conflict later in the realationship. Good luck

Answer 7

If thats what they want and their lifestyle then yes but some people just want to sleep around and they should get married too. I've heard that staying virgins until marriage holds the marriage together more because you create a special bond with that person that you havent created with no one else. I plan to stay a virgin until I get married but it's all pretty much a lifestyle choice.

Answer 8

Hmm... I would have to say that was slightly (actually, pretty darn!) manipulative on your part. Would you appreciate it if your wife had lied to you about something pretty important to you, in order to get you to marry her? I think either way it would hurt her. At least by telling her you can be honest about it, finally. And really if you have a strong, good relationship, this isn't something that should cause too many bumps in the road... however she will feel hurt.
Better you tell her than she runs into one of your exgirlfriends, or a buddy slips and spills the beans. Being lied to and having everyone else know but you can be very hurtful.

You'll know what's right for you and in your relationship. Good luck.

Answer 9

You should have never lied about being a virgin........that said......
Confession may be good for the soul, but bad for marriage. You are glad she's never been with anyone else, and guess what? She feels the same way. Why is your virginity and less important than hers? We're not talking about your opinion any way, we're theorizing about hers. I feel to tell her now would be a huge mistake. As long as you don't plan on adding to your list, I would let it go. It will cause her great pain if you tell her and she will have a hard time trusting you. Let the guilt be your punishment. Don't punish her to make yourself feel better. Let her think she is your one true love. To me telling her would be cruel.

Answer 10

Well, if you didn't think it mattered, why didn't you tell her then? Obviously, it DOES matter, if only to her. I don't really know how one can build a relationship on a lie, that just doesn't seem right to me. Whether or not you want to tell her, it's your call - but if you do, she will probably flip out and will never trust you again; might as well serve her with divorce papers.

I personally happen to feel that it doesn't matter how many people myself or my partner had had sex with in the past. I wouldn't lie about something that was very important to my partner, but would try to have them understand my point of view, and to like me for who I am, not who they think I should be. The whole situation seems really weird to me.

Answer 11

Yes, you were wrong to start a marriage with a lie. You should have told your wife before she married you and she could have decided if it mattered. Tell her now and instead of just deciding if it matters if she married a virgin, she also has to decide if she wants to be married to a liar. Good Luck.